Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!!!

We hope everyone has a safe New Years Eve and a wonderful 2012!!!


Chelsea and family

(also- I'll get caught up on answering everyones emails and comments by Monday, hopefully!)

Saturday, December 17, 2011

2011 Recap!

I can't believe this year is coming to an end already!

In 2011, I....

*Had a baby! My gorgeous son was born in July of 2011 and he is perfect. I had no idea I could love someone that much.

*Moved across the country. With an infant.

*Got spanked (probably more than in 2010, come to think of it).

*Started this blog. :)

*Bought a house (and then walked through the Worlds Largest Furniture Store to furnish it). And yes, it literally was the worlds largest.

*Had to give away our dogs (because of the move). One of the hardest things i've had to do in a long time, but they went to an amazing family, and we keep in touch.

*Realized the true definition of family, and loyalty.

*Started watching X-Factor (go Josh!)

*Learned how to make Thai food!

*Got a new car (that I totally love).

*Went through boot camp (again).

*Celebrated our adorable niece's first birthday.

*Followed the Casey Anthony trial from beginning to end and was extremely pissed and disappointed with the final verdict.

*Helped my husband write a book!

*Introduced a random stranger at my hair salon to DD.

*Painted my toe nails with pink sharpie markers thinking it would be a good form of "everlasting nail polish". Awful, awful, awful idea. Don't try it.

*Realized the importance of crying during a spanking, and the importance of fearing one.

*Experienced silent spanking for the first time (and how much it sucked).

*Celebrated my husband and I's 4-year anniversary and was reaffirmed, yet again, how amazing he is.

*Went to Las Vegas!

*Realized how much I used to take sleep for granted!

*Started the DD Social Network and met some amazing people.

*Got to meet another amazing blogger, Rogue and her husband! Talk about amazingly sweet people.

*Went on a road trip that took 5 days, over 2,500 miles, a few amazing stops, and lots of awesome memories.

*Discovered that I'm highly addicted to eBay.

*Saw U2 in concert and it was probably the best concert I've ever been to. They were amazing.

*Realized how blessed I am.

From my family to yours, happy holidays! We hope you all had a happy 2011 and a wonderful, safe, and blessed 2012!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Disagreeing With Punishment

What do you do when your husband deals out a punishment that you deem is totally unfair?

This topic seems to come up at least once (often more) in almost every marriage where DD is practiced. It's happened to me, and although it doesn't happen often, when it does- it can be hard to deal with.

First things first, there are about a billion wrong ways to handle the situation. There may not be a clear "right way", but I guarantee you there are a LOT of wrong ways. Things like accepting the punishment then giving your husband the cold shoulder for a week afterwards isn't going to solve anything. Either is completely lashing out, and making the situation worse.

So, should you "obey", and cooperate when your husband hands out a punishment that you don't agree with? Well, here's my take.

Do you not agree with it because...

It's unfair? If so, examine why it's unfair. The example I've seen the most of in this case is the husband will randomly create a new rule out of the blue, then punish for it. For instance, the wife is out shopping, and comes home at 7pm. The husband is irritated she was gone all day, but said nothing to her about it until she walks in the door. When she does, he tells her the new rule is she has to be home by dinner every night, and since she wasn't, she's getting punished. This then gives her no sort of warning, and she had no idea until it was too late. Is punishing fair? Probably not.

That's just one example of the "it's not fair!" reason, but the husband creating rules out of the blue is something that can happen, and often leads to these "I think the punishment is unfair" scenarios.

In this case, like in most others I'm going to discuss, it's going to be all about communication. Your husband needs to know why you feel the punishment is unfair. The tricky part here is whether to do it before the punishment (which will likely cause some sort of argument, since it can be construed as you trying to get out of the punishment) or after the punishment (which would also not be great because you just got punished for something you dont believe is fair, so your attitude towards him probably won't be the most respectful).

In this circumstance, I would recommend handling the situation before any sort of punishment is taken care of. Your husband should listen to you before hand (always, not just in these "I don't agree.." circumstances).

The punishment is something you're against? If you and your husband haven't discussed "limits" you need to do so. However, I'd recommend not doing so right after you break a rule, because then it perceives that you're just trying to get out of a punishment. For instance, if your husband believes you should be spanked with a belt and all the sudden you decide "wow, that sounds really crappy." and proclaim you're completely against being spanked with a belt, that probably isn't going to fly. So, anything you're profoundly against needs to be stated well in advance. For instance, in our marriage, I would never "submit" (not a big fan of the word, but not sure what else to call it. Cooperate, maybe?) if my husband used something like diapers as punishment, and I'm also completely against things like whips, and restraints (I have my reasons. Don't ask me why). I explained to him why, he understood, and thus, those things aren't "on the table" when punishing comes around. However, IF I were to break a rule and my husband would think spanking with a whip was necessary (for instance) we'd probably have a pretty big problem.

 In a situation where your husband attempts to dole out a punishment that you have made it known in the past you were against, I would definitely talk to him about it BEFORE the punishment takes place. Your husband should always respect your limits (and vice versa). When explaining your limits, it's important that you have some sort of valid reason behind them. They don't have to be valid to the rest of the world, but they need to be valid, and understood, between you and your spouse.

You believe it's too harsh? Your husband isn't perfect, and neither are you. Almost every husband, at some point, will think give (or, attempt to) a punishment that is too harsh. This usually happens if your husband hasn't taken time to calm down before deciding on a punishment. If he hands out a punishment while he's overly upset, chances are, it will be worse than when he's calm. Some punishments are just downright unreasonable (for example- being grounded for a year, or a 1,000 swat spanking) so if your husband is handing out punishments like that, that is a whole different issue to address. Also, if he hands out ridiculously harsh punishments on a regular basis, that's also a different issue.

But, in general, if you feel your husband overreacted in terms of punishment, I would recommend you give him some time to calm down and reevaluate the situation once his emotions are a little more in check. The best way to do that is to have some sort of rule in place (ideally prior to you breaking a rule even occurs) that says something to the effect of he won't hand out any punishments while he's angry. If that means he has to wait an hour (or, another predetermined time frame) from when the offense occured (or when he found out about it) to decide your punishment, then so be it. Or, if it just means he needs to take a few minutes to think about it, fine. But, if it's a severe offense, and it's something that really got him fired up, he needs to not make any decisions while angry AND not hand out any punishments while angry because it's not fair to either of you.

Then, once he's all calm, if you still feel the punishment is too harsh, explain to him why but be prepared to have reasons.

Keep in mind...

When disagreeing with your punishment, I feel it's important to keep the following things in mind:

1) There's a chance that your punishment will still "stand". You need to be prepared for that. If that happens, attempt to continue to communicate your feelings afterwards, rather than continually push the issue before hand.

2) Communication is key. Ideally, it should always happen BEFORE the punishment takes place.

3) You need to have reasons and "because I don't like it" isn't a valid one, by the way (at least to 99% of the HoH's out there). Before you approach your spouse about disagreeing with your punishment, be prepared to back up WHY you disagree with it.

4) It's crucially important that, while talking to your husband about this, it does NOT come across as you just trying to avoid getting in trouble, or getting out of taking responsibility. You need to take extra caution to ensure that doesn't happen.

5) Part of DD is "break a rule, deal with the consequences" so to speak. So, if you "just don't feel like" getting spanked, and decide you're going to flat out agree with it just based on those reasons, you really need to reevaluate DD. No one wants to get spanked. But, don't break the rules, don't get in trouble. It's simple (although sometimes easier said than done, I definitely understand that).

6) If you find yourself disagreeing with your punishments often, you really need to sit down with your spouse (after you identitfy why that is that you're disagreeing a lot) and talk things out. Maybe it means changing the rules, setting new limits, etc. Whatever it is, COMMUNICATE about it. Communication is definitely key.

and finally..

7) Husbands- if your wives come to you and disagree with their punishments, hear them out. Whether you end up changing your mind in the end or not is your own decision, but at least hear them out. The last thing you want is your wife to be afraid to come to you because she's afraid how you'll react.

(Oh, and on a totally unrelated note, my absolutely GORGEOUS son turned 5 MONTHS OLD today!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, he can sit up completely, 100% by himself. Just thought you all would like to know, lol).

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Fearing a Spanking

I used to not fear spankings. I've never liked them (at all) but I didn't fear them. When I heard "you're getting a spanking", my immediate reaction was just "understandable. Let's do this". But the "let's do this"' line began to translate into "not taking DD seriously", and "not caring" very quickly. My nonchalant attitude about it quickly morphed into a "whatever" one. Despite the fact I definitely didn't want to be spanked, I had developed quite the habit of blocking it out, and immediately focusing on everything I needed to do once it was over, the weather, what I wanted to make for dinner, etc. When at a decision crossroads, instead of picking the decision that was the best, and wouldn't get me in trouble, the trouble aspect never crossed my mind because I figured "well, if I get in trouble, I'll be ok". Needless to say, this was a problem.

I didn't want to fear spankings. I wanted to be tough. I wanted to be invincible. I wanted to be the wife that just accepts the punishment and moves on without even looking back.

But then something changed. Then I realized that it's ok to fear spankings and that there is a way to fear the spanking without fearing your husband. There's a way to make this a healthy fear, and not a paralyzing one. I realized it's ok.

Truth be told, every spanking my husband has ever given me has hurt to some degree. This isn't about pain. Some of my most severe spankings, pain wise, haven't made me fear spanking and while they did change that specific behavior, they didn't change my behavior overall. What I mean by that is this- say I get spanked (pretty severely, at that) for texting while driving. The chances of me texting while driving again anytime in the near future are very slim, to none. But the chances of me making another mistake in the near future that could potentially earn me a spanking are very high. Why that is is just simply because I didn't fear it like I should have.

Then one day, something changed. I had done something wrong and a spanking was justified. As I was heading to our bedroom, I remember thinking "well this sucks, so let's just get this over with because I need to finish putting away the laundry, packing, and making my shopping list". It was like well, in the midst of everything else I need to do today, let's just add spanking onto it.

"This spanking is going to be a bit different, dear. Not because the offense is necessarily more serious than others, but because I think you've became immune to how we currently spank".

Different? Wtf does "different" mean? And "immune"? Give me a break. I can still FEEL them.

But, like every other spanking, I cooperated. Thankfully, "different" didnt mean some kind of whips and chains stuff, and "immune" just meant I was so used to how we spanked, the ritual, the severities, the "breaks", the entire process that I just began to block it out.

By the end of my "new spanking", the pain was about the same. But the feeling was different. I felt more obedient, I felt more loved, I felt more apologetic. I felt like I actually cared! Because I did actually care. I cared a lot that I got spanked that afternoon, and all the sudden, that spanking didn't just seem like another item to check off on the to do list for the day. My entire attitude changed.

Now, I fear spankings. When I hear the threat of "if it happens again, you'll be spanked" I immediately shape up and when I hear "you're getting spanked", I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. But, despite all the fear I have of being spanked, I dont fear my husband. And that's why I consider this a healthy fear. I fear the spankings enough to where I do everything I can to avoid them. I think about them before I make a decision. They have an impact on me. Yet, I don't fear my husband when he comes towards me. When he's mad, as long as the word spanking isn't anywhere in the sentence, I'm good. And when he talks to me, I'm able to listen without fear.

Fear in a domestic discipline marriage is not bad. Without fear of the punishment, very little stops you from committing the offense. If you look at it differently- if you don't care about jail, you think it's no big deal, and it has little to no effect on your life, what's stopping you from stealing that shirt at the mall? If you don't fear getting a traffic ticket, what's stopping you from going that 10 mph over the speed limit every day? If you don't fear getting burned, then why do you use oven mitts to get things out of the oven?

The bottom line is that if you don't fear spankings, you have a lesser deterrent to follow the rules. If you've became immune to spankings, they're slowly becoming ineffective.

Fearing punishments in a DD marriage is almost a good thing I've learned. As long as you know when this fear is healthy, and when it isn't.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's never too late.

Since this blog is a mix of things (from a journal, to giving advice, to everything in between) I want to post about something. This blog is actually dedicated to someone in particular, but still, I hope everyone gets something from it.

Dear J,

I'm an extremely easy person to talk to. If you don't take anything else away from this entry, please know this: honesty will get you further in life then anything else. There's never a moment where it's "too late" to be honest.

From the beginning when I was introduced to you, I thought you were cool. I didn't have a problem with you. Despite what you may think, I don't blame you for inquiring so much about DD so that hopefully, when you're in a relationship one day, you learn something from what you've asked me, and what you've been given about DD.

The real you that I got to know was a lot better then the 4 (at least, and that I know of) "fake" you's that I've experienced over the last few months. It is NOT too late to change. It's NOT too late to come to me and just admit that the lying, manipulative, backstabbing.. (I could go on and on) behavior you've shown towards me, and others, was wrong.

I won't judge you for it. I won't even ask any questions. I will help you "re-intergrate" into the networks of people you've lied to and deceived. I promise. Just PLEASE be honest and cut the "hi my name is so and so" crap. Please. Because not only can I not take it any more, but its not fair to me to make me sit here and pretend i have no idea what's going on.

I've went through a range of emotions about this. I've been sad that someone would deceive me like that. I've been pissed off that someone would completely insult my intelligence by thinking that all the false identities you assume aren't really you. Ive been hurt that I was lied to. I've been through them all, and more. But what I've taken from this is that forgiveness, no matter who it's from or what happened, is the strongest thing you can do.

J, I'm giving you a chance that I don't have to give you. I could "out" you to everyone you've been lying to. I'm choosing to help you and to forgive you. Please, give me that chance. Please just be honest with me. Please trust me that I won't judge you, I won't even ask any questions. Just be honest.

If you choose to totally ignore this, that's fine. However, in 4 day (on Sunday the 4th) if i haven't heard anything from you, it's going to show me that you have zero intent on ever changing this crap, apologizing, or taking any sort of step to make it right. At that time, you're kinda leaving me no choice but to delete, block, suspend or remove all your accounts that I can, as well as completely block the multiple IP addresses you use and take every single effort in the world to ensure you can never, ever do this again. Please don't make me do that. I'm reaching out to you, and I'm offering to help. I'm offering you a chance to make this right with me. It can stay between us.

You know how to reach me (email is probably best. Just click "contact me"). It's never too late to be honest. Please, let me help you.



This blog may be directed towards one person, but it is written for everyone. Forgiveness is a powerful tool and honesty is a powerful trait. It can be hard to forgive someone (trust me, I'm aware) and it takes time. There are also circumstances when it can be hard to be honest and I understand that. But it's never too late to forgive someone, or be honest with someone.

This blog may not have any meaning whatsoever for some of you and that's fine. But I wanted to post it because it's my way of publicly reaching out to someone who really needs it. It's never too late.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, November 28, 2011

Asking To Be Spanked

The dilemma of whether or not to go to your husband and ask to be punished is one of the hardest things in a DD marriage, in my opinion. I think a lot of us struggle with this topic in some form, and it's a question I've gotten frequently (most recently just a few days ago). With her permission, I posted the most recent email I've gotten asking the ever-so-popular question of "should you ask to be spanked"?  I felt, since this something a lot of us have struggled with (myself included) at one point or another, this entry may help a lot of people.

Dear Chelsea,

I found your blog last month and have been hooked ever since. Both you and your husbands blogs have been so helpful to our marriage. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and using Domestic Discipline for just over 1. I was writing to ask your advice on a topic I've been struggling a lot with lately, which is how to ask my husband (or if i even should be asking my husband) to spank me.

To cite a recent example, one of the items on our rule list is to not have any  accounts of any type that each other doesn't have prior knowledge of. Well, I had broken that rule by signing up for a PayPal account in order to ease my online shopping habits. I had it linked to our checking account, and needless to say, it has caused a big financial mess. When my husband discovered this, he was understandably angry. He yelled, then gave me the silent treatment for days, then when he was done, he "reset" himself and all went back to normal. There was no lecture, no punishment, no closure of any type, really.

Situations similar to this have happened over the course of the year we have been implementing Domestic Discipline in our marriage and I just feel almost like he is picking and choosing when to practice Domestic Discipline. When he acts like everything is fine (and, to me, it isn't) it is hard for me to deal with. Is it ok, normal, accepted, etc. to ask him to punish me if i really think it will help, or should I let it go because he did?

Thanks in advance,


Dear Heidi,

I'm so glad both my husband and I's blogs have been helpful to you and your husband! Thanks for your email, and I'll do my best to answer your question.

First, you aren't alone (at all) in struggling with this. I've struggled with the same thing before, as have many other DD wives. One of the awesome things about domestic discipline is the sense of resolution to a problem that it brings both parties invovled. As much as I hate being spanked, I can admit that afterwards I feel totally forgiven, cherished, loved, and that the slate has been wiped clean. Those feelings are hard to achieve in a situation where your husband just handles things on his own (like giving you the silent treatment, then just moving on like in your case) and you're left stranded. I totally understand that and it's a problem I've faced a few times as well.

I don't think any wife wants to be spanked, and that's where a lot of wives have a hang-up about asking. It's extremely difficult (for me, at least) to go to my husband and say "Honey, I think I need to be punished for _____". When this situation arises with me, I want the aftermath of a spanking (in terms of closure, not in terms of my butt being on fire, lol) without experiencing the actual spanking, but I think we can all admit that's a very, very difficult thing to achieve one without the other. When you're thinking of saying to your husband "I think I need to be spanked" what you're really conveying, in my opinion, is "Instead of you just saying everything is fine, and moving on, I want to know that you forgive me, and I want to feel that closure to the argument/issue/problem/fight (whatever it was) that we had".

With me, usually the guilt of whatever I did wrong can only be erased by being punished (whether that's spanking, or something else) and I think that's the same with a lot of other women as well. I rarely ask my husband to punish me, but that doesn't mean I haven't in the past, or wouldn't in the future. I don't think there's anything wrong, or abnormal, about doing so but here's what I would recommend doing..

The first thing is to understand that if you do end up getting punished, because you technically asked for it, you kinda have to just cooperate at that point. What I mean by that is you can't really be like "honey, I think I deserve a spanking" and then, once you're actually in position to be spanked, suddenly change your mind and start trying to get out of it. Not only will this probably really piss off your husband, but it will make things worse. So, step 1 is to make sure you're prepared to actually get spanked. In order to get those results you want afterwards, it kind of has to happen. :(

As far as actually asking, I find the quicker you do it the better. Since I have some sort of mental hang-up by just coming right out and asking my husband, I usually just start by telling him how sorry I am for the infraction, and how guilty I feel. Then, transition that into how you're feeling (that you're upset he yelled at you, you don't feel closure, etc...however it is you're feeling toward the situation) and then end with something like "I just feel like, because we've chosen to practice domestic discipline in our marriage, it shouldn't be a 'on and off' thing. I don't want to be spanked, but I also don't want to deal with the effects of feeling guilty, or feeling like this problem hasn't fully been solved. In addition, I definitely don't want to ever make this mistake again, and I don't think you want me to either".

This sort of "opens the door" for you to be punished. In some ways, this sucks but in a lot of ways, it's really helpful. This way is more of a "feelings conversation" but it's a lot easier to do, in my opinion, then just come right out and ask him to spank you.

The bottom line is nothing you're feeling is out of the ordinary. I think all wives, at some point in their marriage, have wished their husbands wouldn't be so inconsistent with the rules/consequences, or would punish them so that they get that sense of the slate being wiped clean.

I hope this helps you, and others!


If anyone else has any questions on the topic (or anything else), feel free to email me or comment. I'd love to hear them!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Versatile Blogger Awards!

I'm so thankful to have been nominated by a few different people for the Versatile Blogger Award! A major thank you. I'm extremely appreciative and honored!
Here's the rules:
Thank the award giver and link back to them on your post.
Share 7 things about yourself.
Pass this award along to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.
Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

Ok, well because I'm not great at following the rules (like, ever! Although I have managed to go over 2 weeks without getting in trouble. Is there an award for that!?) I already broke the first one. I didn't link back everyone, but those who nominated me will definitely be in my 15-blogs list at the end of this post.

Seven Things About Me:

1: I love football. College football is my favorite (hook 'em horns!!!!) but I like NFL too. I also like college basketball, hockey, baseball, etc.

2: I love reality TV shows, even though my husband points out on a weekly basis how lame they are. I watch a ton of them (Top Chef, The Real Housewives of NJ and Atlanta, Sister Wives, 19 Kids and Counting, X-Factor, American Idol, etc). It's my way of relaxing (that's how I justify it, at

3: I only drink water. Occasionally (like once a month) I'll drink smoothies, lemonade, or Starbucks..but on a day to day basis..just water. My husband, however, has an addiction to soda so we always have it in the house (even though I think it's gross, lol).

4: The last movie we saw in theaters was Tower Heist (and it was actually pretty good). Before that, we hadn't been to the movies since like May..but we used to go all the time. We love movies.

5: We love traveling! I've traveled majority of the world (everywhere in North America and Europe, Australia, majority of the caribbean, a couple places in South America and Asia, etc). My favorite place is Fiji, and I'm absolutely dying to go to Tahiti.

6: I went to The University of Texas for college, and grad school. I'm a big Texas Longhorn fan, and I pretty much think Texas is the greatest state ever (well, one of them at least). Austin will always hold an extremely special spot in my heart.

7: I can't even put into words how grateful I am for my husband and our son. They complete me.

Fifteen Of My Favorite Blogs:

It's so hard to pick just 15, but here we go.

1) Learning Domestic Discipline. Not just 'cause it's my husbands blog, but because I really think it's an awesome source of information for people of all DD-levels. I'm extremely proud of my husband for all the work he's put into it, and all the people he's helped along the way. He truly is everything to me, and I'm so blessed.

2) Red Booty Woman. Christina's sense of humor is awesome, and I love her Dear HOH entries. I love the way she writes and I'm proud to call her a friend of ours.

3) Rogue's Awakening. We actually had the pleasure of meeting Rogue and her husband a few weeks ago, and they are terrific people. I love reading her blog because they practice DD very similarly to the way we do, and she's such a sweetheart. Oh, and she gives awesome housewarming gifts!!!

4) Trying to Learn, Learning to Try. Kay's blog is full of awesome advice (I love her latest entry Answering a Readers Question) and I always feel like I walk away from her blog gaining something.

5) The Captain and His First Mate. His First Mate's blog is actually one of the first domestic discipline blogs I began reading! She (along with my husband) kind of pulled me into "blog land". I love how her posts always tell a story. They're entertaining to read.

6) Confessions of a Spanked Army Wife. I've been reading Jessica's blog for awhile now, and I'm thankful to have gotten to know her recently. She's an incredibly strong woman, and her strength comes out in each of her posts. She's someone we can all learn something from, and a great person to talk to.

7) CDD For Life? Pooky's Story. Pooky's blog is wonderful, and I love reading it because of how real it is. I can relate to her in a lot of DD ways, and her approach to writing is awesome. I could spend hours reading her blog. Oh, and I love her blog layout!

8) Shelter in the Storm. I love all of Stormy's post, but my favorite is her Stormy's Panty Factory post. There's something about Stormy's blog that just makes you want to keep coming back and reading more (and more, and more). Her sense of humor, mixed with her incredible talent to tell DD into a story, makes her blog totally worth reading.

9) Lasey's Lane. I've gotten to know Lasey a little more over the past few weeks (thanks to the DD Social Network) and I adore both her, and her husband. I think Lasey gives excellent advice, and I think her DD The Right Choice for Me But Not For Everyone is one of the best entries I've seen on any DD blog.

10) N & C and DD. C's blog is full of poems, music videos, DD entries, "vanilla" entries, all kinds of stuff. I love the variety of what she posts. She is a great person to chat with, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to get to know her over the past few months. I'm looking forward to meeting her and her husband soon (now that we live semi-near each other!) to congratulate them on their big baby news in person!!! :)

11) Diving in With Domestic Discipline. Lisa's blog is relatively new to "blog land" but I love checking it out. Her writing style is awesome, and her real approach to DD really highlights the ups, and downs, of the lifestyle. On top of it all, she has a fantastic personality.

12) Husbandly Touch. There aren't many blogs out there written from the husband's perspective, and that's just one of the reasons why I enjoy reading Mick's blog. I think is blog is a great resource for other HoH's and his sense of humor is awesome. Definitely worth reading, whether you're a man or a woman.

13) Composing Us. I absolutely love how she writes, and I feel like I can relate to her in a lot of ways. I've never chatted with her, but I'd love to get the opportunity to one day. Her blog encompasses a lot of great DD points, it's funny, and it's relevent to a lot of DD lifestyles now days, including mine. I always laugh at least once while reading her latest entries. :)

14) Her Mischief Managed. Susie's blog is full of great information. I think her post Before and After DD is genius, and so true. Her way of writing really draws you in. Hers is one of the few DD blogs I've found where she really puts her feelings out there, whether it's an upside of DD, or a downside, and I love the honesty and reality behind her posts.

15) A Look Inside DD. Brinlee's blog is private, but if you can get an invite to it, it's totally worth reading. She has been practicing DD for a long time, and she's one of the more experienced DD bloggers that I've seen (I think she's had a blog for over 3 years now). I love how both her, and her husband, share their DD perspectives, and her punishment diary entries are often pretty creative. On top of it all, she's one of my best friends. So, don't be surprised if you see my name come up sometimes in her posts- we tend to get in trouble together often, lol.

Those 15 blogs are in no particular order, but there you have it. There's 15 of my favorite blogs. These aren't all the DD blogs I read, or all the ones I like, but they are definitely 15 of my favorite. All of them are worth checking out and adding to your reading list.


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Under Construction!

Knowing Your Roles is getting a new look!! :)

So, if you visit between today and tomorrow it may look a little "off" until it's all done. I'm going to try to get it done tonight, but who knows.

Thanks for your patience!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

We made it!

Well, we made it! Road trip is over and we are HERE!

It was a long 5-day drive. A really, really long 5-day drive. I'm pretty sure we drove through some of the most boring parts of this country (Wyoming=awful) but we made it!

Along the way, we stopped numerous times (welcome to the world of having a 4 month old who, by the way, did AMAZING on our little cross country trek). We got to see some friends of ours in Kansas City that my husband hadn't seen in years. We also got to meet Jared and Rogue from Rogue's Awakening! Talk about 2 of the nicest people we had met in a long time! It was almost like we'd known each other forever. We talked about everything you could think of, and everything felt completely comfortable. Clint and I are both really looking forward to getting together with them again soon.

I managed to do pretty well behavioral wise throughout our little 5-day trip, probably because I was so sore from all the spankings I endured before we left Utah. I know I've stated this before, but seriously, road-tripping while you're sore is an awful, awful, awful idea.

Now that we've arrived at our "final destination" we're staying with some extended family of mine until we can close on our new house (around the first week of December). Although we have a LOT of our own space here, it's still nervewracking to see if Clint would spank me here, when we aren't in our own house. Lets just say..I don't intend to find out. Ever.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Road trips suck..

...when you're sore. :(

Over the weekend (well, from Saturday to Tuesday) I managed to get in trouble upwards of 5 times. Prior to that, I hadn't been in trouble in about 4 months. Talk about awful timing, since we left Wednesday for a cross country road trip/move.

I don't know what got into me. I don't know if I was "testing the rules", just going through a phase (and a bad one at that) or simply wasn't thinking. I think it's a good combination of all 3, the more I think about it.

The past couple months my husband had let up on the rules a little bit. Not a ton, but enough to where it changed my perception of what I would and wouldn't get in trouble for. When he began "cracking down again" the results definitely weren't in my favor.

I deserved each of the spanking I got, and the offenses were definitely serious, but I still really regret it. I don't think there is ever really a "good time" to get in trouble but there's definitely a bad time and this was it. Who gets in trouble this much before a 4-day road trip? That would probably be only me.

I'm definitely feeling the consequences. :(

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Love Our Lurkers Day!

I've been traveling all day, so I apologize I'm a little late participating in LOL (Love Our Lurkers) Day!

I'm excited to get to know all my readers, so feel free to say hi in the comments or send me an email!


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

To the person in Buffalo, New York who I will allow to remain anonymous out of fairness

In life, there are going to be times when you disagree with people. There are going to be times when you think an idea is so crazy that you can't even wrap your head around it. It's how you handle these situations that show your character.

I actually don't have any issue with people who disagree with practicing domestic discipline within a marriage. My statement to them is really, really, really simple though: don't do it. Easy. If you think it's the most barbaric thing you've ever heard of, then don't do it. WHY someone would continually stalk (literally, stalk) someones domestic discipline blog (and no, this statement is not about my blog..) if they so adamantly disagree with it is completely mind blowing. In addition, WHY someone would claim they can tell everything about a person by one, seemingly small (but important) aspect of their marriage is also mind blowing.

I have a masters degree in pre-med and psychology. I am BEYOND aware of the definition of abuse. I really can't even tell you how many credit hours of courses I've taken that deal with abuse. I literally cannot understand how someone could consider a consensual, loving, and the list goes on...thing like domestic discipline as abuse IF IT IS DONE CORRECTLY.

I understand being against domestic discipline. It isn't for everyone. There are so many misconceptions about it out there it's not even funny. I think there are a lot of women (actually, men too..) out there who are jealous that they cannot (for whatever reason) have something like this in their marriage. I know that sounds odd, but until you try it, you'll never know.

I'm totally rambling, and I know that. This is the post of completely unorganized thoughts. But, there's a certain person in Buffalo, New York who royally sucks at covering up their spamming and stalking tracks (even while posting "annonymously") and this blog entry is being dedicated to you. Congratulations! You are getting the attention you so desperately seek. And, I have no problem doing it because I want you to see how ridiculously happy I am, despite you thinking I'm some abused housewife who lives with the worst man in the world. You have no idea how great my life is. None. Every single thing you think you know about me, and my family, is wrong.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to break out of my shell. I've never been one that's been open to talking about be getting punished, but I figure why not just do it? Domestic discipline is hard, there are things that suck about it..but it makes my marriage great. So why not just be 100% open about it? And, it's going to drive my pal in Buffalo, New York completely crazy, make them think even more that I'm totally abused, and that's ok. Because, deep down, they know they would give anything to be able to find a life like I have.

I'm happy. I'm loved. I'm not anywhere near abused. I think my marriage is probably one of the best in the world. I think I'm beyond blessed.

The moral of the story: If you disagree with domestic discipline, awesome. There's a whole list of things in the world I don't agree with. Let it go. You're fighting a losing battle. There is no possible way on planet earth that ANY DD wife is going to stumble upon one of your "your husband is a sick spanko, you're an abused wife, and you're a piece of shit" comments and be like "oh my God, this stranger on the internet is right!! We must immediately get rid of domestic discipline". 

Just treat people with respect. My marriage containing domestic discipline as a small aspect of it is not hurting you, I promise. Actually, it isn't effecting your life at all. You need to find happiness, and I'm sorry that you haven't. I'm being 100% genuine when I say that I feel bad for you, and I feel bad for the fact that you have nothing else, or no one else, in your life to focus on and instead you devoute hours a day to reading, stalking, spamming, etc. blogs on a topic you clearly disagree with, and/or, are completely uneducated on.

I will talk to you, listen to you, and treat you with respect if you ever have any legit, and respectful, questions.



Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Boot Camp Basics

Disclaimer: Boot camp is not for every relationship. It's actually really difficult (in my opinion) to tell whether boot camp is for you and your spouse, or not. It's something that you both need to agree to and something that I wouldn't recommend for those just beginning domestic discipline.

This is a topic that, for whatever reason, seems to cause a lot of controversy. I'm not sure why it is, but it seems like almost everyone who practices DD can fall into one of these 3 categories: completely agrees with boot camp, completely disagrees with boot camp, or is completely in the dark. There doesn't seem to be a lot of "middle ground".

For those of you who fall into the "completely in the dark" category, I'm providing a little "boot camp" outline for you. Obviously this doesn't include every single boot camp detail (because that would take me forever) but hopefully this helps.

I'd also like to say that there are many different ways to do boot camp. This is just one of them, but because it's the way that my husband and I did, it's obviously the only one I have personal experience with.

So, what is boot camp?

Boot camp is basically a multiple day (the HoH determines the length. I've heard of some couples doing it for 1 day, and some for as long as a week. My husband and I did it for 2 days.) "training" so to speak. The HoH determines the rules and punishments (which often times are more severe or more "out of the ordinary" than the typical rules/punishments the wife would have) and, in addition to the rules and punishments, there are homework assignments and random punishments (that don't necessarily have an offense tied to them) with "lessons" behind each one.

What is the reason a couple would want to do boot camp?

The goal is hopefully that at the end of boot camp you and your spouse feel closer together and have more defined roles. In addition, it helps the wife to be more respectful of both her spouse and the rules, and to increase trust. These outcomes often convince a couple who already has domestic discipline in their marriage to try and improve it.

How does boot camp work?

Boot camp is comprised of the following..
  • Punishments (for breaking the rules set forth during boot camp, and a seperate set of punishments with "lessons" behind each of them).
  • Homework assignments.
  • Communication building exercises (usually this comes from the couple discussing the homework assignments after they're completed, etc.)
Boot camp typically starts with the HoH removing all of the wifes privileges for the duration of boot camp.

Each day of boot camp contains 4 spankings. These spankings range from mild to severe, and each one has a lesson behind it (no complaining, hold still, no reaching your hand back/kicking/making it more difficult on your husband, and understanding that it could always be worse).

Each day also consists of 4 homework assignments. Some of these are individual ones that just the wife does, and some are ones that both the wife and husband do together. There is a pretty long list of homework assignments that the HoH can choose from prior to boot camp beginning, but some examples of them are listing qualities you love about your spouse, listing ways that DD has helped to improve your marriage, etc. These are always written assignments (usually 1-2 pages long).

In addition to the homework assignments and spankings, each day the wife is supposed to "practice obeying" by not responding "no" to any of her husbands requests. Failure to do so would result in immediate punishment of whatever the HoH chooses.

So, that pretty much sums it up. Obviously there is more in depth details that go along with this, but there's a basic overview of what boot camp is.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me and we can discuss it further.


Saturday, October 1, 2011

Opening Up The Boot Camp Can Of Worms

It's a pretty well known fact that I suck with can openers (I think there's a video floating around somewhere of when my husband taped me trying to use our electric can opener. It isn't as easy as it sounds!) so..maybe that's why the "boot camp can of worms" has stayed pretty tightly shut. Well, up until last week when I started to open it just a little bit. I didn't really think the "boot camp" curiosity would explode like it has. Between the comments, emails (that both my husband and I have gotten), text messages, etc. people are definitely curious.

Image from

I guess I should have known, when I wrote that last entry regarding boot camp, that people who hadn't heard of it yet would ask, which is fine. I should have been prepared to do a "here's boot camp 101" entry, but I wasn't and I'm still not.

I don't want boot camp to sound like some kind of super-secretive operation that only those with "insider knowledge" get to do. It's not like that. My main reason for not putting "boot camp 101" out there is because I really believe it's something that would create a giant firestorm of opinions and a huge uproar for some people. The other reason is I believe that boot camp is pretty much something that should either be recommended to you on a case by case basis, or something that you and your spouse mutually agree may be best for your marriage. It's also something that you need to tailor specifically to your marriage. There are many ways to do boot camp, and many "custom forms" and so writing a "boot camp 101" type thing really wouldn't even be benenficial because it can be changed, and should be changed, in many different ways depending on the couple and numerous other factors.

The reason I wrote that last entry on boot camp was really geared towards those who had already done boot camp (because it had been a rather "hot button" topic lately, and I'd seen boot camp posts on numerous other blogs). But the more I think about it, the more I think that wasn't really fair.

I'm still not comfortable doing a extremely detailed outline of boot camp because it's going to be different for every couple. However, I've decided I'll go ahead and do a basic outline of boot camp, for those who are thinking about trying it. I'll be posting that within the next few days, so stay tuned.

Before I sign off, I want to apologize if I made people feel left out about the whole boot camp thing. My reasons for not being so open about it are above, but still, I think it's a good idea to at least give people some information on it which they can then use (or not) to make a determination on whether or not boot camp would be right for them.

If anyone has any specific questions regarding boot camp that they want to see covered in that entry, please email them to me (my email is found on the contact me page at the top) or leave them in the comments below. Thanks!


Friday, September 23, 2011

Boot Camp From The Women's Perspective

It's been awhile since I went through domestic discipline boot camp (like, well over a year). But, I got some requests for this entry, and so I thought I would write it anyway.

Boot camp, in one word, is rough. There's a lot of pros to it (which I will list in a second) but that doesn't mean it isn't still pretty challenging. However, I'm pretty sure it was meant to suck because the point is to learn lessons from it so that you never have to do boot camp again. And, I'm pretty proud to say that I haven't had to go through boot camp again and hopefully never will (although, I'm pretty sure with my latest stunt, I came pretty close).

If you haven't gone through DD boot camp yet, but you and your spouse are planning on's my warning that it's pretty intense. For me, it was more emotionally intense I think, but for others I've heard that it's physically terrible. And, it is. Don't get me wrong. But emotionally, it makes you think a lot about yourself (which I hate doing) and the homework assignments within boot camp are pretty thought provoking and emotionally charged.

Despite the pretty intense spankings and the homework assignments (after just having been spanked..), I wouldn't take back the boot camp experience (I can't believe I just typed that, actually). But seriously, I wouldn't. It really added strength to my marriage, and improved my domestic discipline outlook and relationship as well. In addition to that, it built an unbreakable level of trust between my husband and I, and that, especially when using domestic discipline in your marriage, is key.

As strange as it sounds, I really didn't think I could love my husband any more..until we did boot camp. The side of him that I saw, although it was strict, was amazing. He took charge of situations where I'm pretty sure he didn't want to, he spanked me harder than I'm sure he wanted to (which taught me the ever so valuable lesson of "it could always be worse", which now makes me cooperate with every spanking I get to make it not get to that point..ever), and the list goes on.

So yeah, boot camp is rough. But, if you can get through a couple days (or, however long you do it for) of intense emotional and physical battles, it's so worth it in the end. It improves your marriage, even when you already think it's amazing, and it really changes your behavior (seriously, I'm pretty sure I didn't get in trouble, at all for like a good 4-6 months after boot camp. *sigh* those were the days..).

The best advice I have to someone getting ready to do boot camp within their marriage is the following..
  • Trust your spouse.
  • Find the positive in it. (It's there, you just have to look).
  • Look at it as a learning experience.
  • Look at it as a chance to not only strengthen your marriage, but also yourself. For both the husbands, and the wives, it pushes you to a lot of different're going to be amazed at the strength you have, and your spouse has.
  • Just cooperate. Trust me, it's way easier that way.
If you've already done boot camp, hopefully you were able to see the same results that I have, or at least can look back on it and find the positive within it. I'd love to hear your views on how it went for you and your spouse. :)

As always, if you have any questions, feel free.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Surrendered Wife

Ever since my idea that was supposed to be great but wasn't ended up backfiring, it's been a struggle to get "back on track".

I found this book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. It's essentially about this woman (the author) who was having issues in her marriage, and decided to "give up all the control" to her husband. Instead of trying to change all the things she didn't like about him, she decided to change herself.

Anyway, I'm about half-way through it now and it's really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I'm still struggling a little with letting my husband have all the control, but I just need to let go of that and trust that he makes the right decisions for our family. There's a lot of awesome points that the book brings up though, and it gives some great advice for submissive wives, and wives in a DD marriage. The bottom line is I highly suggest everyone read it (or, have your wives read it). It's a great book.

I wish I had more time to write, but my 2 month old is on this ridiculous schedule of literally not wanting to sleep AT ALL during the day (not even a little nap, lol). So, I better get going. But, if you get some time, check the book out. I plan to write more later, but until then.. have an awesome night everyone! :)


Sunday, September 11, 2011

United We Stand

September 11, 2001- Never Forget

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Giving Up Control to Gain Power

First, before I begin telling you about my awesome experiment that went horribly wrong, I should let everyone know that my laptop decided to crash a few days ago. So, between my husbands breaking last week and mine crashing the other day, we're pretty much screwed. Thankfully, his was still under warranty so he gets a new one. I, however, wasn't so lucky. And since getting me a new laptop really isn't high on anyones priority list right now, it'll probably be a long time before I get one. So, I've had to resort to blogging from my iPhone. I got this sweet blogging app for it, but still, I'm not sure how the formatting and all that will turn out, so bare with me. :)

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine got into an interesting discussion regarding control within a DD marriage. Prior to that conversation, I never really thought about it before. I don't really like the word control, because I think people often associate that with a controlling and possesive husband which often leads to them thinking abuse. But control is one of those things within a DD marriage that's actually really important that it function correctly, as I recently found out.

So, my friend essentially began telling me that she felt like her husband wasn't stepping up enough when it came to DD, and specifically punishing. She felt like she had to make all the decisions, even down to what punishment she thought was appropriate and she didn't like it. In a roundabout way, she felt her husband had given up all the control.

I, on the other hand, didn't have that problem. I never get to pick my punishments, and so when I heard that she did, little lightbulbs went off in my head. I talked to another friend about it who agreed- if we could essentially control our fate every time we broke the rules, that would be kind of cool! And thus, the great "what would happen if WE had control" experiment was born.

My friend and I recruited about 4 of our other friends who practiced DD and agreed to trying out this experiment with us. Our goal was not to intentionally get in trouble (Ever) but IF we did get in trouble for something over the course of our 30-day experiment, we would try to control (or essentially choose and leave no choice to our husbands, lol) how we got punished.

The problem with this, as some
of us soon discovered, was once one of our husbands decided to spank, we couldn't really do much. So we decided to change our experiment to not control the punishment but essentially the details of it (how many times, etc). The point was basically to see how many of our husbands would just freely relinquish the control. However, this didn't go as planned.

A week or so into our experiment, I got spanked for something (honestly, I can't remember what). About mid-way through the spanking, I'd decided I had enough and decided to just stand up and essentially stop the spanking. That didn't go so well. I pretty much always cooperate with whatever punishment he decides, so to just flat out stop cooperating like that I think really shocked him.

The way I handled that punishment essentially caused me to be punished again. You would have thought I learned that my control idea sucked by now, but I didn't. Actually, I think with every punishment I received last week as a result of him "cracking down on the rules" sent me deeper into my "need to control" mode.

The truth is, I don't really like having the control. I like having the power to make my own decisions but having control AND power isn't good for anyones marriage, including mine. Therefore, I've learned that I need to give up the control in order to gain power. When we first started DD I entrusted my husband to have "control" over the DD portion of our marriage. Obviously there are some behavioral things I need his help with to make me a better wife (and person) so for me to ask for his help (verbally or non verbally) then take that control of how he helps away from him doesn't make any sense, and is wrong.

My goal is to get back to that mindset where I have the power, he has the control. I have the power to choose the decisions I make and if they turn out badly, he then has the control to decide how he fixes them.

Last week sucked and I pretty much dont want a repeat of that. My control experiment was a nightmare and something I totally don't recommend any of you try. It's going to take some time (but hopefully not too long) for me to get back to where I was before I started this awful idea, but I'm hoping I can do so soon because being in trouble is no fun.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, August 31, 2011


Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive! We're on vacation right now and are expecting to be home this coming weekend, so I'll resume blogging then. I hope everyone is doing well. :)


Thursday, August 18, 2011

How to Convince Your Spouse to Try DD- After "The Talk" (Part 3)

Before you read part 3, I recommend you read parts 1 and 2 first.
Well, you've made it through "The Talk" part, which is probably the hardest and most nervewracking, so congrats! Hopefully it went well. 

I broke this entry up into 2 sections..."If Your Spouse Said No" and "If Your Spouse Said Yes". These are both designed to answer the question "where do we go from here?".

If Your Spouse Said No...

I've talked to a few (although, admittedly, not a lot) of people who said it took a long time to get their spouse on board and, for whatever reason, no was always the first answer they got. I would say keep trying, be persistent, but I don't think that's always the best idea. In my opinion, the more you push the issue, the further away you could potentially be pushing your spouse. So, here's what I'd recommend.
1: Give the issue space. Asking or bringing up the topic every day is just going to create annoyance and hostility. Instead, I would put the issue "on the back burner" for a bit and revisit it later. As far as when to do that, it depends how anti-DD your spouse was. If he/she had the "no way on this earth are we ever doing that" reaction, I'd probably wait a month or two before mentioning it again. If he/she was a little more open to the idea but still had some hesitations, I'd wait a couple of weeks. You be the judge on the timing. But the key is to not continually harp on the issue if it's something they are against. 

2: Explore the reasons why. I listed some of the common hesitations that spouses often have in part one. Chances are, one of those listed is the reason your spouse is declining the DD idea right out of the box. Whether it's one of those reasons or something completely new, take a look at why they aren't willing to give it a shot and research or talk to others who practice DD about how to help calm some of their fears and solve some of the problems they're having with it before you talk to him/her about it again.

3: Don't get discouraged/act out on purpose. I know these are two different things, but I'm lumping them together for a reason because one often leads to the other. Your first reaction is probably to be discouraged, disappointed, upset, etc. and that's understandable. Although I believe domestic discipline greatly helps marriages, it's not something you have to have for your marriage to work- not even close. Also, just because your spouse said no doesn't mean there is no hope for it to become a tool in your marriage in the future. As I said before, I've talked to a few people who are all happily practicing DD now, but their journey started out with a "no" at first too. 

Some people have the mindset that if the answer is no, they should go act out on purpose (if they are the wife) or point out every flaw their spouse has that makes them need DD (if they are the husband). This, ladies and gentlemen, is a very bad idea. For one, the chances are slim that either of these really unintelligent plans will be received well. If your husband sees you acting out on purpose, it's most likely just going to annoy him and cause hostility/arguments/etc. and push him even further away from the idea of DD because "oh my gosh, that's how she'll act??" will be at the forefront of his mind. For husbands, constantly making comments like "see, because you did _____, we really need to try DD" is going to have the same response (most likely) of annoyance and hostility, as well as pushing your wife further away from the DD concept. 

The bottom line is, if the answer was no (for whatever reason), it doesn't necessarily mean it will be the end of the world. Just take a break from discussing it, research it some more on your own or talk to others about it, and then revisit the issue in a few weeks or months. 

If Your Spouse Said Yes...

If your spouse is willing to try domestic discipline, that's awesome! Here's a few "starting out" tips that I would recommend. 
1: Start out slow. I really can't stress this point enough. Rushing into something like domestic discipline usually ends with some not so great results. Don't be in a giant hurry to be at the same place with it that a couple who has been practicing it for 10 years is. Just take things slow. Lay the foundation of it first, then slowly begin to add on from there as the weeks, months, and years go by.

2: So, what is the foundation? In my opinion, DD takes 4 foundation cornerstones to work. Honesty, respect, communication and trust. Those need to be present from both parties. It's going to take all 4 of those for domestic discipline to be implemented properly. There are also things such as consistency (I'm planning to do a post on that later, so stay tuned) that are crucial as well. 

Once you've perfected those foundation cornerstones, you're ready to begin building the structure of domestic discipline. (see how this is kind of like building a house?)

3: Creating a rules list is the next thing I would recommend doing. This is going to do one of the most important things, which is setting boundaries. Every couple who practices DD has a different set of rules. Most of the time, their rules can be defined in what is known as "The 4 D's" which are "nothing dangerous, nothing dishonest, nothing disrespectful and nothing disobedient". For some, just having "The 4 D's" as their basic rule list works perfectly. For others, they think the 4 D's are too vague and general, so they create a more defined rule list. However you choose to do it is up to you and your spouse. 

Once the rule list is put into place, domestic discipline will flow a lot easier. Over time, you'll get the hang of it so don't be discouraged if you don't see major improvements at first. It takes time (remember, take it slow!) but is so worth it.

Links to read over:
Good luck, and if you have any questions or need any help, just let me know!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

How to Convince Your Spouse to Try DD- Talking to Your Spouse (Part 2)

(This is the 2nd part of the 3 part series regarding how to approach your spouse about trying domestic discipline. If you haven't already read part 1, please do so before reading this. Thanks!)


So, now it's time to actually talk to your spouse about domestic discipline. This is probably the most uncomfortable part for most people, but it doesn't have to be. Remember, the worst that can happen is your husband or wife could just say no, and in that case, you go from there (there will be more about that in part 3 coming later this week). 

The first thing I'd recommend doing is sitting down and cutting out all outside distractions. Wait until your kids are in bed (if you have kids), put away cell phones, turn off the TV, etc. 

How you word the conversation is ultimately up to you. You know your spouse and your marriage better than anyone, so you'll have to tailor the conversation around that. However, I'd recommend the following aspects are somehow incorporated into "the talk"..

1: What domestic discipline is, and what domestic discipline isn't. 
2: Why you want domestic discipline in your marriage.
3: The pro's to including domestic discipline in your marriage.

Here's a sample of what I mean.. 

"I just wanted to talk to you a little bit about something I found called domestic discipline. Domestic discipline is ______, and it's not ________ (put it into your own words). I know it might sound crazy to you, and I understand that. But, I think it could really help our marriage, especially with ______________ (whatever issues you would like it to help with, or why you want it in your marriage). I've researched this and/or talked to some others about it and I think it has a lot of pros to trying it like ___, ____, ____ (list whatever pros you want). It's just something I feel like we should try once, and if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, and we can agree to end it and move forward. But I'd like to try it because ________. I love you a lot, and I want our marriage to be stronger. What do you think/what questions do you have about it? 

It's important to do 3 key things when talking to your spouse about domestic discipline.

1: Empathize with their feelings. Domestic discipline, especially to someone who has never heard of it or considered trying it before, is going to come off as a completely off the wall and crazy concept, and you need to understand that. By saying something like "I understand this might make you nervous, or that you might think it's crazy" you're empathizing with how your spouse might be feeling. This will help your spouse to feel more at ease (like "my husband/wife is understanding why this might be hard for me") which will make him/her more likely to openly discuss it with you because they will feel like they don't constantly have to defend their feelings.

2: Make sure the 3 aspects I included above are somehow incorporated into your discussion. It's important that you don't just sit down and flat out say "hey babe, I would like to try domestic discipline. What do you think?" without giving them any sort of background on what domestic discipline is, why you think it would be beneficial, etc. It's also important that you don't just say "I want DD. Now read this website, and this website, and this website (etc.) and let me know what you think". Your spouse will feel a LOT more comfortable with the idea if they hear YOUR interpretation of what DD is, why YOU want it, etc. 

3: Ensure him/her that this is something that you've thought a lot about, researched, and truly want to try. They need to know you're serious about it.

To answer the questions like what is domestic discipline (and what it's not), and so on, the following links might be helpful to read over.

Friday, August 12, 2011

How To Convince Your Spouse To Try DD- BEFORE You Talk To Your Spouse (Part 1)

I sometimes think one of the hardest aspects of domestic discipline is actually starting it. Going to your spouse with an idea such as domestic discipline that's extremely controversial, out of the norm, and life changing (because it's literally a lifestyle that both parties have to be willing to adapt) can be really tough at first..for both of you to accept.

The steps below are what I'd recommend doing before you approach your spouse about starting domestic discipline. A couple of these steps I didn't use myself (if you want to know how I went to my husband about DD, click here and here) but looking back on it, I wish I would have. Obviously this isn't some sort of fool-proof "plan" but regardless, here's my recommendations. 

1. Make sure you want this. The first thing I would recommend doing is making sure domestic discipline is something that you want in your marriage. Domestic discipline isn't really something that you can turn off and on. What I mean by that is if DD sounds like a fine and great concept to you, you go to your spouse about it, they agree to try it..and then a week later you decide it sucks and want to stop but then the next week you want it just won't work. Don't get me wrong, domestic discipline is absolutely something you can (and should) stop at any time if it's not working for you, but it's not something I'd recommend continually stopping and starting because you can't make up your mind what you want. The consistency needs to be there at all times in order for domestic discipline to be effective. So, BOTH parties need to be 100% on board and that starts with you being 100% on board before approaching your spouse. Research domestic discipline first. Ask whatever questions you have about DD to someone who already practices it. Really make sure this is a lifestyle that you want to adapt.

2. Be prepared for the "common hesitations" ahead of time. The second step I'd recommend is to understand how your spouse might react, that way you're prepared for it. Very few spouses, from the get go, are going to say "wow sounds great, lets try it" (especially if they've never heard of it before) There's going to be some hesitation, naturally. So, be prepared for that. The following list is just some feelings I've noticed from husbands, and wives, regarding their hesitations with incorporating domestic discipline into their marriage. Hopefully this will help you to understand a little more about where your spouse may be coming from.

Husband Hesitations:
  • They don't want to hurt their wives. This is extremely common, and actually a good thing (after all, who really wants to be married to someone who enjoys hurting them?). However, try explain to your husband that there are different kinds of hurt and it's the intention behind the "hurt" that matters. For example- punishment is hurt (in some situations, such as spanking) with the intent to correct, and is done lovingly (that's the key word, everyone). There's also physical hurt that is not done lovingly or with the intent to correct (example- punching someone in the face), and emotional hurt (example- saying rude things). Both of those are NOT what domestic discipline is, stands for, recommends, or exhibits. It's important that your husband understands that.
  • They don't want to see their wives cry. This goes pretty much hand in hand with the above hesitation. 
  • They don't want to be the parent to their wives. A lot of husbands feel that by creating rules/setting boundaries (and then using discipline to enforce those rules when/if they're broken) that they will lose their wife, and instead gain another child. This one is just one of those "you have to try it to experience the dynamic" things. I've never heard one couple in a DD marriage say they feel like a child, or they feel like a parent. It's a totally different dynamic you have to experience (even if it's just once) to understand.
  • They want an independent woman. I've only heard this one a couple of times, but I'd imagine there are more men out there who are thinking this. However, being disciplined doesn't mean you aren't strong, independent, or capable of making decisions for yourself. It just means that if those decisions are made poorly, you have help in fixing them before it becomes an issue in your marriage/family.
Wife Hesitations:
  • They don't want to be treated like a child. This one goes hand in hand with one of the common hesitations the husbands face when hearing about DD, which is that they don't want to feel like they are parenting their wives. The explanation for this one is the same- it's just an experience you have to try to understand the dynamic. I could try to explain it on my blog, but it probably wouldn't make a lot of sense. However, if someone wants me to, I'm willing to try.
  • They're afraid it will hurt (the spanking aspect). Well, it does hurt..I won't lie. But the pain is temporary, and what you gain from it is well worth it. 
(If anyone has anything to add to these, or anything I left out, please let me know).

3. Understand the benefits. After you've studied up on all the hesitations so you know where your spouse might stand on the topic or what fears he/she might have about it, it's important that you also understand the benefits and explain these to your spouse. There's a lot I could list, but I'll just list a few to start with.

  • It brings the two of you closer together. For someone who's never tried domestic discipline before, this might sound ridiculous (I thought the same, at first). However, the entire aspect of domestic discipline requires a lot of honesty, trust, communication, and love that, starting from the very beginning, begins to slowly bring you closer and closer together. 
  • It greatly reduces arguments. A lot of couples (who don't practice DD) argue about things such as children, money, and the list goes on and on. However, when you have DD as a part of your marriage, it reduces those arguments by giving both of you a different way to outlet your feelings. If your husband is having an issue with how much you spend, instead of yelling/arguing/etc. with you about it, he'll punish you and the issue will be resolved (or on it's way to being resolved). This gives him a feeling of "ok, she's going to really work on this now. The problem will be fixed, and I don't have to repeatedly argue with her about it" and it gives the wife a sense of "I'm forgiven, I've been punished for it, and now I can take the necessary steps to fix the problem.". It also makes her feel that her husband is with her in fixing the problem, not against her. 
  • It creates a more structured and consistent environment in your home and marriage. 
  • It improves your marriage.

So there you have it. Those 3 steps are what I'd recommend you do before you go approach your spouse with the idea of trying domestic discipline in your marriage. 

I broke this "series" into 3 parts because it's such a long and complex topic. Part 2 will be how to actually talk to your spouse about domestic discipline, and part 3 will be what to expect in the beginning stages of domestic discipline if your spouse agrees to it or how to handle it if he/she rejects the idea completely.