Thursday, August 18, 2011

How to Convince Your Spouse to Try DD- After "The Talk" (Part 3)

Before you read part 3, I recommend you read parts 1 and 2 first.
Well, you've made it through "The Talk" part, which is probably the hardest and most nervewracking, so congrats! Hopefully it went well. 

I broke this entry up into 2 sections..."If Your Spouse Said No" and "If Your Spouse Said Yes". These are both designed to answer the question "where do we go from here?".

If Your Spouse Said No...

I've talked to a few (although, admittedly, not a lot) of people who said it took a long time to get their spouse on board and, for whatever reason, no was always the first answer they got. I would say keep trying, be persistent, but I don't think that's always the best idea. In my opinion, the more you push the issue, the further away you could potentially be pushing your spouse. So, here's what I'd recommend.
1: Give the issue space. Asking or bringing up the topic every day is just going to create annoyance and hostility. Instead, I would put the issue "on the back burner" for a bit and revisit it later. As far as when to do that, it depends how anti-DD your spouse was. If he/she had the "no way on this earth are we ever doing that" reaction, I'd probably wait a month or two before mentioning it again. If he/she was a little more open to the idea but still had some hesitations, I'd wait a couple of weeks. You be the judge on the timing. But the key is to not continually harp on the issue if it's something they are against. 

2: Explore the reasons why. I listed some of the common hesitations that spouses often have in part one. Chances are, one of those listed is the reason your spouse is declining the DD idea right out of the box. Whether it's one of those reasons or something completely new, take a look at why they aren't willing to give it a shot and research or talk to others who practice DD about how to help calm some of their fears and solve some of the problems they're having with it before you talk to him/her about it again.

3: Don't get discouraged/act out on purpose. I know these are two different things, but I'm lumping them together for a reason because one often leads to the other. Your first reaction is probably to be discouraged, disappointed, upset, etc. and that's understandable. Although I believe domestic discipline greatly helps marriages, it's not something you have to have for your marriage to work- not even close. Also, just because your spouse said no doesn't mean there is no hope for it to become a tool in your marriage in the future. As I said before, I've talked to a few people who are all happily practicing DD now, but their journey started out with a "no" at first too. 

Some people have the mindset that if the answer is no, they should go act out on purpose (if they are the wife) or point out every flaw their spouse has that makes them need DD (if they are the husband). This, ladies and gentlemen, is a very bad idea. For one, the chances are slim that either of these really unintelligent plans will be received well. If your husband sees you acting out on purpose, it's most likely just going to annoy him and cause hostility/arguments/etc. and push him even further away from the idea of DD because "oh my gosh, that's how she'll act??" will be at the forefront of his mind. For husbands, constantly making comments like "see, because you did _____, we really need to try DD" is going to have the same response (most likely) of annoyance and hostility, as well as pushing your wife further away from the DD concept. 

The bottom line is, if the answer was no (for whatever reason), it doesn't necessarily mean it will be the end of the world. Just take a break from discussing it, research it some more on your own or talk to others about it, and then revisit the issue in a few weeks or months. 

If Your Spouse Said Yes...

If your spouse is willing to try domestic discipline, that's awesome! Here's a few "starting out" tips that I would recommend. 
1: Start out slow. I really can't stress this point enough. Rushing into something like domestic discipline usually ends with some not so great results. Don't be in a giant hurry to be at the same place with it that a couple who has been practicing it for 10 years is. Just take things slow. Lay the foundation of it first, then slowly begin to add on from there as the weeks, months, and years go by.

2: So, what is the foundation? In my opinion, DD takes 4 foundation cornerstones to work. Honesty, respect, communication and trust. Those need to be present from both parties. It's going to take all 4 of those for domestic discipline to be implemented properly. There are also things such as consistency (I'm planning to do a post on that later, so stay tuned) that are crucial as well. 

Once you've perfected those foundation cornerstones, you're ready to begin building the structure of domestic discipline. (see how this is kind of like building a house?)

3: Creating a rules list is the next thing I would recommend doing. This is going to do one of the most important things, which is setting boundaries. Every couple who practices DD has a different set of rules. Most of the time, their rules can be defined in what is known as "The 4 D's" which are "nothing dangerous, nothing dishonest, nothing disrespectful and nothing disobedient". For some, just having "The 4 D's" as their basic rule list works perfectly. For others, they think the 4 D's are too vague and general, so they create a more defined rule list. However you choose to do it is up to you and your spouse. 

Once the rule list is put into place, domestic discipline will flow a lot easier. Over time, you'll get the hang of it so don't be discouraged if you don't see major improvements at first. It takes time (remember, take it slow!) but is so worth it.

Links to read over:
Good luck, and if you have any questions or need any help, just let me know!


  1. Thank you such much for this informative post!!

    Especially the mention of going slow and establishing the proper foundation are key. I know we've been struggling in those areas as new DD members, I can't wait to share your blog with him and get things on the right track.

    Thanks again!


  2. Hi Chelsea! I enjoyed your web site. I was really interested in DD... but yesterday happened something. We were to my parents'. I accompanied my mum to the church, and after we remained with some ladies. One of them was just a bit older than me (39). We started speaking about marriage, family, husbands etc. She told me that since the first day of her marriage, she submitted to her husband. She was really regretting that. She told he gave - still gives - her as granted. He knew she would accept his decision anyway, so he stopped asking her, or keeping into account her opinion. after a few years, she started feeling just a good housekeeper, a nice lover, a good cook, but not really an adult person he wanted to share ideas and decisions with. she told me something really shocked me. she reminded me of the scriptures that say:" women respect your husbads. husbands love your wifes" she told me that when your man loves you but doesn't respect you as an adult person, it crashed you. Since this conversation I feel very depressed and doubtful. My marriage is good, and I have equal position to my husband and full respect now. what would it happen if I should start DD with my husband? would he really take me away from decisions and important matters because I am submissive and he has to have the final word anyway? would he do everything on his own? do I risk to alter the balance and the mutual esteem we have? I know it's not and easy question , but I am so afraid of doing wrong... I am sure you can understand my fears. bye Vivian

  3. Ok I got him on board. He's way more enthusiastic than I anticipated. Its kinda like he had been thinking about too. Praying

  4. I'm so glad I found your post! I've approached my husband about DD, now I'm in the "give it space" area where he hasn't decided one way or another and I'm trying to let him have time to think it over. I'm just not sure how long LOL. It doesn't help that he researched it on his own and now all he thinks is that I'm asking him to spank me. Any tips to undo that, and show him that there is more to DD than just the discipline?