Monday, November 28, 2011

Asking To Be Spanked

The dilemma of whether or not to go to your husband and ask to be punished is one of the hardest things in a DD marriage, in my opinion. I think a lot of us struggle with this topic in some form, and it's a question I've gotten frequently (most recently just a few days ago). With her permission, I posted the most recent email I've gotten asking the ever-so-popular question of "should you ask to be spanked"?  I felt, since this something a lot of us have struggled with (myself included) at one point or another, this entry may help a lot of people.

Dear Chelsea,

I found your blog last month and have been hooked ever since. Both you and your husbands blogs have been so helpful to our marriage. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and using Domestic Discipline for just over 1. I was writing to ask your advice on a topic I've been struggling a lot with lately, which is how to ask my husband (or if i even should be asking my husband) to spank me.

To cite a recent example, one of the items on our rule list is to not have any  accounts of any type that each other doesn't have prior knowledge of. Well, I had broken that rule by signing up for a PayPal account in order to ease my online shopping habits. I had it linked to our checking account, and needless to say, it has caused a big financial mess. When my husband discovered this, he was understandably angry. He yelled, then gave me the silent treatment for days, then when he was done, he "reset" himself and all went back to normal. There was no lecture, no punishment, no closure of any type, really.

Situations similar to this have happened over the course of the year we have been implementing Domestic Discipline in our marriage and I just feel almost like he is picking and choosing when to practice Domestic Discipline. When he acts like everything is fine (and, to me, it isn't) it is hard for me to deal with. Is it ok, normal, accepted, etc. to ask him to punish me if i really think it will help, or should I let it go because he did?

Thanks in advance,


Dear Heidi,

I'm so glad both my husband and I's blogs have been helpful to you and your husband! Thanks for your email, and I'll do my best to answer your question.

First, you aren't alone (at all) in struggling with this. I've struggled with the same thing before, as have many other DD wives. One of the awesome things about domestic discipline is the sense of resolution to a problem that it brings both parties invovled. As much as I hate being spanked, I can admit that afterwards I feel totally forgiven, cherished, loved, and that the slate has been wiped clean. Those feelings are hard to achieve in a situation where your husband just handles things on his own (like giving you the silent treatment, then just moving on like in your case) and you're left stranded. I totally understand that and it's a problem I've faced a few times as well.

I don't think any wife wants to be spanked, and that's where a lot of wives have a hang-up about asking. It's extremely difficult (for me, at least) to go to my husband and say "Honey, I think I need to be punished for _____". When this situation arises with me, I want the aftermath of a spanking (in terms of closure, not in terms of my butt being on fire, lol) without experiencing the actual spanking, but I think we can all admit that's a very, very difficult thing to achieve one without the other. When you're thinking of saying to your husband "I think I need to be spanked" what you're really conveying, in my opinion, is "Instead of you just saying everything is fine, and moving on, I want to know that you forgive me, and I want to feel that closure to the argument/issue/problem/fight (whatever it was) that we had".

With me, usually the guilt of whatever I did wrong can only be erased by being punished (whether that's spanking, or something else) and I think that's the same with a lot of other women as well. I rarely ask my husband to punish me, but that doesn't mean I haven't in the past, or wouldn't in the future. I don't think there's anything wrong, or abnormal, about doing so but here's what I would recommend doing..

The first thing is to understand that if you do end up getting punished, because you technically asked for it, you kinda have to just cooperate at that point. What I mean by that is you can't really be like "honey, I think I deserve a spanking" and then, once you're actually in position to be spanked, suddenly change your mind and start trying to get out of it. Not only will this probably really piss off your husband, but it will make things worse. So, step 1 is to make sure you're prepared to actually get spanked. In order to get those results you want afterwards, it kind of has to happen. :(

As far as actually asking, I find the quicker you do it the better. Since I have some sort of mental hang-up by just coming right out and asking my husband, I usually just start by telling him how sorry I am for the infraction, and how guilty I feel. Then, transition that into how you're feeling (that you're upset he yelled at you, you don't feel closure, etc...however it is you're feeling toward the situation) and then end with something like "I just feel like, because we've chosen to practice domestic discipline in our marriage, it shouldn't be a 'on and off' thing. I don't want to be spanked, but I also don't want to deal with the effects of feeling guilty, or feeling like this problem hasn't fully been solved. In addition, I definitely don't want to ever make this mistake again, and I don't think you want me to either".

This sort of "opens the door" for you to be punished. In some ways, this sucks but in a lot of ways, it's really helpful. This way is more of a "feelings conversation" but it's a lot easier to do, in my opinion, then just come right out and ask him to spank you.

The bottom line is nothing you're feeling is out of the ordinary. I think all wives, at some point in their marriage, have wished their husbands wouldn't be so inconsistent with the rules/consequences, or would punish them so that they get that sense of the slate being wiped clean.

I hope this helps you, and others!


If anyone else has any questions on the topic (or anything else), feel free to email me or comment. I'd love to hear them!


  1. Chelsea, wow!! Thank you so much for writing about asking your husband to spank you. It has been really difficult for me so I usually hint around and most the time, he doesn't get the hint. I will have to try your advice next time something like this comes up. Hopefully it won't.... but just in case

  2. You're welcome Blondie! I've struggled with it too, trust me. It's a hard topic! I hope it helps you though. :)


  3. It confuses me that Heidi's husband would react to her mistake in such a destructive way after practicing DD for a year. I wonder if he was too afraid of his own anger to spank.

  4. It's an issue with me, too. When I feel like I'm fragmenting and losing control I know I very desperately need to be spanked. I would rather be preventatively spanked than spanked in punishment. Sometimes he notices the warning signs that I am having difficulty and takes care of it; other times I need to go and tell him I need help. I pretty much say, "I feel like I'm spinning out of control, I need help." I formerly just said, "I think I need a spanking." Now I can say it more indirectly; he knows what I mean. But once I say that, then it's all out of my hands because I know I'm going to get my hide tanned.

    But once it's over, what a relief! It resets you, just like you said. He prefers it, too, because it works wonders to help me avoid disobedience and disrespect.

  5. Good post Chelsea-

    I have often struggled with that and with whether or not to remind him when he forgets- because he has.

    I don't like being spanked so it is confusing to even consider asking for it. But, I have. It's nice to know that I am again normal at least in blogland!

    But, what I really love about this post is you pointing out what we really want is the resolution and not the pain. Can't have the mushy gushy at the end with out the spanking- And that is why spanking works, it's why we chose it.

    Well, anyway I will remember this the next time I get in trouble- wait I never get in trouble...

    OK, OK for real I'm tucking this in the recesses of my mind.

  6. great question and wonderful answer, thank you for sharing this.
    I have asked for a spanking in the past, even though its really hard to do. For us i find it easier to just be direct, explain that i am still feeling guilty and could he please spank me so taht we can both feel better. He has never refused, always obliged. But i do find that recently that he is more into immediate consequences and he does not often "let me off" these days.
    Love and hugs kiwi xxx

  7. ps love the new look blog - its so much easier to read too :)

  8. This is a great post. While I'm very new to this all, I think I understand the feelings with guilt and closure. I struggle with that now and have issues understanding that my need is for finality and release of emotions from our problems. I'm not sure I'd ever have enough nerve to ask for a spanking just yet.

  9. Great answers!

    This is like a Dear Mrs. Spanked Wife version of my Dear Mr. HoH articles - LOL!

  10. Chelsea,
    This was nicely written. I have never been able to simply walk up and ask, but my husband will read me and know when I'm carrying around guilt or stress that I can't get rid of. He sort of leads the way into the conversation you talked about and gives me an opening to explain how I'm feeling. Then he acts on it...and in the end I don't have to ask. I like that!

  11. Great Post Chelsea. I will be using your wording if this ever comes up (I'm sure it will). love the new layout-it's really cute!

  12. Hi Chelsea,

    I think you make some great points about communication here. I think there are times when we expect our other halves to be mind readers and then become resentful because it doesn't happen. It makes much more sense to be upfront about your needs than to let them come between you.

    Just one possible note of caution though. I was once a party to a forum discussion on this issue and was surprised to find that some HoHs aren't comfortable with the concept of their other halves asking outright for a spanking or other form of discipline. While they wanted to be made aware when rules had been broken, they also felt that it wasn't the sub's job to decide what should happen as a result. Most felt that it effectively shifted the right of control and decision from the HoH to the sub, and a few even described that situation as "topping from the bottom".

    Since your blog post has highlighted what could be a potential area of difficulty in a DD relationship, I wonder if it might be a good idea for couples make a point of deciding now how to handle this issue should the situation arise.

  13. Hi Chelsea, I have just found your blog. Great advice! I think learning to read your own feelings and then express them to your husband, even the really tough ones, is a vital part of living the Dd lifestyle successfully. Sara

  14. Great job with this post, honey. This is something a lot of people struggle with and your advice is wonderful. I knew you having your own blog was a good idea! Wish I had thought of it.

    Keep up the good work with your blog, and the new design looks awesome. I've clearly hit the jackpot by finding a wife with beauty AND brains. :)

    Love you.

    -- Clint

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  17. Late to the party, I know, but perhaps this wll enlighten some future visitor. Forgive me if this is breaking the fourth wall in a DD scene, but it sounds to me like the OP was simply "bratting" to reap the psychological reward of being "punished". She knew the paypal shenanigans wouldn't go unnoticed, and expected a punishment, and now, Boo hoo! She's been left hanging without her spanking. Maybe hubby's message is simply that you don't get the satisfaction of a spanking that way. Try something less catastrophic like burning the toast at breakfast, or "forgetting" to flush the loo. Something inconsequential, something that doesn't erase weeks or months of your household income or threaten financial instability.