I found your blog last month and have been hooked ever since. Both you and your husbands blogs have been so helpful to our marriage. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and using Domestic Discipline for just over 1. I was writing to ask your advice on a topic I've been struggling a lot with lately, which is how to ask my husband (or if i even should be asking my husband) to spank me.
To cite a recent example, one of the items on our rule list is to not have any accounts of any type that each other doesn't have prior knowledge of. Well, I had broken that rule by signing up for a PayPal account in order to ease my online shopping habits. I had it linked to our checking account, and needless to say, it has caused a big financial mess. When my husband discovered this, he was understandably angry. He yelled, then gave me the silent treatment for days, then when he was done, he "reset" himself and all went back to normal. There was no lecture, no punishment, no closure of any type, really.
Situations similar to this have happened over the course of the year we have been implementing Domestic Discipline in our marriage and I just feel almost like he is picking and choosing when to practice Domestic Discipline. When he acts like everything is fine (and, to me, it isn't) it is hard for me to deal with. Is it ok, normal, accepted, etc. to ask him to punish me if i really think it will help, or should I let it go because he did?
Thanks in advance,
I'm so glad both my husband and I's blogs have been helpful to you and your husband! Thanks for your email, and I'll do my best to answer your question.
First, you aren't alone (at all) in struggling with this. I've struggled with the same thing before, as have many other DD wives. One of the awesome things about domestic discipline is the sense of resolution to a problem that it brings both parties invovled. As much as I hate being spanked, I can admit that afterwards I feel totally forgiven, cherished, loved, and that the slate has been wiped clean. Those feelings are hard to achieve in a situation where your husband just handles things on his own (like giving you the silent treatment, then just moving on like in your case) and you're left stranded. I totally understand that and it's a problem I've faced a few times as well.
I don't think any wife wants to be spanked, and that's where a lot of wives have a hang-up about asking. It's extremely difficult (for me, at least) to go to my husband and say "Honey, I think I need to be punished for _____". When this situation arises with me, I want the aftermath of a spanking (in terms of closure, not in terms of my butt being on fire, lol) without experiencing the actual spanking, but I think we can all admit that's a very, very difficult thing to achieve one without the other. When you're thinking of saying to your husband "I think I need to be spanked" what you're really conveying, in my opinion, is "Instead of you just saying everything is fine, and moving on, I want to know that you forgive me, and I want to feel that closure to the argument/issue/problem/fight (whatever it was) that we had".
With me, usually the guilt of whatever I did wrong can only be erased by being punished (whether that's spanking, or something else) and I think that's the same with a lot of other women as well. I rarely ask my husband to punish me, but that doesn't mean I haven't in the past, or wouldn't in the future. I don't think there's anything wrong, or abnormal, about doing so but here's what I would recommend doing..
The first thing is to understand that if you do end up getting punished, because you technically asked for it, you kinda have to just cooperate at that point. What I mean by that is you can't really be like "honey, I think I deserve a spanking" and then, once you're actually in position to be spanked, suddenly change your mind and start trying to get out of it. Not only will this probably really piss off your husband, but it will make things worse. So, step 1 is to make sure you're prepared to actually get spanked. In order to get those results you want afterwards, it kind of has to happen. :(
As far as actually asking, I find the quicker you do it the better. Since I have some sort of mental hang-up by just coming right out and asking my husband, I usually just start by telling him how sorry I am for the infraction, and how guilty I feel. Then, transition that into how you're feeling (that you're upset he yelled at you, you don't feel closure, etc...however it is you're feeling toward the situation) and then end with something like "I just feel like, because we've chosen to practice domestic discipline in our marriage, it shouldn't be a 'on and off' thing. I don't want to be spanked, but I also don't want to deal with the effects of feeling guilty, or feeling like this problem hasn't fully been solved. In addition, I definitely don't want to ever make this mistake again, and I don't think you want me to either".
This sort of "opens the door" for you to be punished. In some ways, this sucks but in a lot of ways, it's really helpful. This way is more of a "feelings conversation" but it's a lot easier to do, in my opinion, then just come right out and ask him to spank you.
The bottom line is nothing you're feeling is out of the ordinary. I think all wives, at some point in their marriage, have wished their husbands wouldn't be so inconsistent with the rules/consequences, or would punish them so that they get that sense of the slate being wiped clean.
I hope this helps you, and others!
If anyone else has any questions on the topic (or anything else), feel free to email me or comment. I'd love to hear them!