Sunday, December 4, 2011

Fearing a Spanking

I used to not fear spankings. I've never liked them (at all) but I didn't fear them. When I heard "you're getting a spanking", my immediate reaction was just "understandable. Let's do this". But the "let's do this"' line began to translate into "not taking DD seriously", and "not caring" very quickly. My nonchalant attitude about it quickly morphed into a "whatever" one. Despite the fact I definitely didn't want to be spanked, I had developed quite the habit of blocking it out, and immediately focusing on everything I needed to do once it was over, the weather, what I wanted to make for dinner, etc. When at a decision crossroads, instead of picking the decision that was the best, and wouldn't get me in trouble, the trouble aspect never crossed my mind because I figured "well, if I get in trouble, I'll be ok". Needless to say, this was a problem.

I didn't want to fear spankings. I wanted to be tough. I wanted to be invincible. I wanted to be the wife that just accepts the punishment and moves on without even looking back.

But then something changed. Then I realized that it's ok to fear spankings and that there is a way to fear the spanking without fearing your husband. There's a way to make this a healthy fear, and not a paralyzing one. I realized it's ok.

Truth be told, every spanking my husband has ever given me has hurt to some degree. This isn't about pain. Some of my most severe spankings, pain wise, haven't made me fear spanking and while they did change that specific behavior, they didn't change my behavior overall. What I mean by that is this- say I get spanked (pretty severely, at that) for texting while driving. The chances of me texting while driving again anytime in the near future are very slim, to none. But the chances of me making another mistake in the near future that could potentially earn me a spanking are very high. Why that is is just simply because I didn't fear it like I should have.

Then one day, something changed. I had done something wrong and a spanking was justified. As I was heading to our bedroom, I remember thinking "well this sucks, so let's just get this over with because I need to finish putting away the laundry, packing, and making my shopping list". It was like well, in the midst of everything else I need to do today, let's just add spanking onto it.

"This spanking is going to be a bit different, dear. Not because the offense is necessarily more serious than others, but because I think you've became immune to how we currently spank".

Different? Wtf does "different" mean? And "immune"? Give me a break. I can still FEEL them.

But, like every other spanking, I cooperated. Thankfully, "different" didnt mean some kind of whips and chains stuff, and "immune" just meant I was so used to how we spanked, the ritual, the severities, the "breaks", the entire process that I just began to block it out.

By the end of my "new spanking", the pain was about the same. But the feeling was different. I felt more obedient, I felt more loved, I felt more apologetic. I felt like I actually cared! Because I did actually care. I cared a lot that I got spanked that afternoon, and all the sudden, that spanking didn't just seem like another item to check off on the to do list for the day. My entire attitude changed.

Now, I fear spankings. When I hear the threat of "if it happens again, you'll be spanked" I immediately shape up and when I hear "you're getting spanked", I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. But, despite all the fear I have of being spanked, I dont fear my husband. And that's why I consider this a healthy fear. I fear the spankings enough to where I do everything I can to avoid them. I think about them before I make a decision. They have an impact on me. Yet, I don't fear my husband when he comes towards me. When he's mad, as long as the word spanking isn't anywhere in the sentence, I'm good. And when he talks to me, I'm able to listen without fear.

Fear in a domestic discipline marriage is not bad. Without fear of the punishment, very little stops you from committing the offense. If you look at it differently- if you don't care about jail, you think it's no big deal, and it has little to no effect on your life, what's stopping you from stealing that shirt at the mall? If you don't fear getting a traffic ticket, what's stopping you from going that 10 mph over the speed limit every day? If you don't fear getting burned, then why do you use oven mitts to get things out of the oven?

The bottom line is that if you don't fear spankings, you have a lesser deterrent to follow the rules. If you've became immune to spankings, they're slowly becoming ineffective.

Fearing punishments in a DD marriage is almost a good thing I've learned. As long as you know when this fear is healthy, and when it isn't.



Chels

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

15 comments:

  1. Chelsea,
    I just wanted to say I really enjoy your blog. You write with so much emotion and respect for domestic discipline. My fiance and I have been doing this for awhile but kept falling of the wagon so to speak do to life. We found your husband's and your site and have decided to give it another go following some of your guidlines. I just want to thank you for writing this amazing blog and I'm starting my own here in the near future just to get my thoughts out of my head and be able to relate to others in this lifestyle.
    Thanks again!
    Ava

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  2. Wow... I totally agree! So important to fear the spanking not the husband! The fact that I have disappointed S makes me feel worse than the actual spanking itself! Nice Post!!!

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  3. I'm glad we got this issue fixed. A healthy fear of a spanking is certainly a good thing, and I'm glad you realize that.

    Great post honey!

    -- Clint

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  4. can i ask a question? This might be a little rude to ask so please tell me to mind my own business if you feel - but what was so different about the spanking that afternoon that made you change your attitude towards them?

    Its very true we should never fear our husbands, if there is fear there, then something is wrong and DD is turning to abuse. We should fear the spanking as you said.
    great post, well said, thank you for sharing
    love and hugs kiwi xxx

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  5. This is a great point and I think I am sort of in that same mindset these days of just checking it off of the list so we can move to the next thing. We need to work this out.

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  6. This is very interesting Chelsea! I was bravely telling my husband the other day that when he does the exact same thing each time I get a little ambivalent and "whatevery" about it. The spanking is a chore to get crossed off my list. He also is very concerned that I not be fearful of him and I'm not, but it's good to have some butterflies about the spanking itself.

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  7. Kiwi,
    In my marriage, I have a dreadful fear of my husband. There really isn't any aspect where I feel completely comfortable. When I do feel somewhat comfortable, I always keep one eye out for "something" that I am just sure is going to jump out and get me.
    This is sort of why I check these blogs out from time to time, because it's nice to see that others aren't. I'm really happy for all of you because you are all so close. I live vicariously in that way. :-)
    Love to you all.

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  8. @ Anon: MAYBE you should consider getting out of your abusive marriage!!!!!!

    Bob.

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  9. Bob,
    I have six children all age nine and under. I have no remunerative employment that will support my children completely and enable me to be independent. He is a fabulous father, just a very strict husband. I know him well enough to know how to avoid problems, so I play it safe and smart. I am learning to be content within my situation: when I am "good" I am ignored; when I am "bad" I am lectured and more. The key is to be quiet. So quiet I remain, and I do rejoice in others' happiness and also find contentment in my children.

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  10. Another great post Chelsea :)

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  11. This was an interesting post. I agree, one should not fear their husband, but the spanking. I tend to get a butterfly or more in my stomach at the mention of a spanking. I do not like spankings at all and find them most uncomfortable to the point of finding it hard to cooperate. One of my first spankings was a real shock, regarding after it was all said and done, I had my day to get on with. I couldn't sulk. With all that being said, I am glad to hear that I am not alone in having a healthy respect for the fear of an impending spanking.

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  12. Anon, that is so sad to hear. I'm truly sorry for what you go through. I've been in three abusive relationships,so I know how hard it is to leave. That being said, when I finally decided to stop allowing myself to be treated that way, I met the love of my life and am now just starting a DD relationship with him. Best of luck, I'll be praying for you and your situation. XO

    Kelli

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  13. I don't fear being spanked. For me personally this would make DD impossible, because I would simply be too frightened all the time that I was going to do something that might get me spanked. I would be in a constant state of nerves. I don't actually 'like' the spankings while they are going on, but I do like the effect that a good spanking has on me. I like that I feel more relaxed, more submissive, more attracted to my husband after one.

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  14. I don't personally fear being spanked, and if I did I would probably find it impossible to have a DD relationship, because I would be too nervous of doing something that might get me spanked. My nerves would be all to pieces. I don't 'like' the spanking while it is happening, but I do like the effect it has on me and the way I feel afterwards.

    As for following the rules, I do this mainly because it is what I have agreed to do, rather than because I will get spanked if I don't. The motive is to please my husband rather than to avoid punishment. Punishment gives my husband a way to express his annoyance with me, and helps motivate me to try harder, but it is not my main reason for trying to keep the rules.

    Frankly, I think if fear of punishment was my main reason for obeying my husband, it would mean we had a rather poor relationship. Love, not fear, should be the main motivator, in my opinion.

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  15. I agree with Senorosa4. You should not live in fear and you should not have to erase yourself to be free of punishment! It sound to me like you were abused as a child and just think that is the normal way to interact with men. It is not. I enjoy the "fear" sometimes, and I find it erotic. But the kind of fear you're talking about, if I understand correctly, is paralyzing and will keep you from having a full relationship with your husband. I dont know if you are reacting to past abuse or reacting to present abuse in your marriage. But it's not good for anyone. You two need to talk and if that's too scary, you need to see a marriage and family therapist. Your life can be better! You can be happy a lot of the time. But you really need to figure out what your fear is about and deal with it.

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