How to Convince Your Spouse to Try DD- After "The Talk" (Part 3)

Before you read part 3, I recommend you read parts 1 and 2 first.

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Well, you've made it through "The Talk" part, which is probably the hardest and most nervewracking, so congrats! Hopefully it went well. 

I broke this entry up into 2 sections..."If Your Spouse Said No" and "If Your Spouse Said Yes". These are both designed to answer the question "where do we go from here?".

If Your Spouse Said No...

I've talked to a few (although, admittedly, not a lot) of people who said it took a long time to get their spouse on board and, for whatever reason, no was always the first answer they got. I would say keep trying, be persistent, but I don't think that's always the best idea. In my opinion, the more you push the issue, the further away you could potentially be pushing your spouse. So, here's what I'd recommend.

1: Give the issue space. Asking or bringing up the topic every day is just going to create annoyance and hostility. Instead, I would put the issue "on the back burner" for a bit and revisit it later. As far as when to do that, it depends how anti-DD your spouse was. If he/she had the "no way on this earth are we ever doing that" reaction, I'd probably wait a month or two before mentioning it again. If he/she was a little more open to the idea but still had some hesitations, I'd wait a couple of weeks. You be the judge on the timing. But the key is to not continually harp on the issue if it's something they are against. 

2: Explore the reasons why. I listed some of the common hesitations that spouses often have in part one. Chances are, one of those listed is the reason your spouse is declining the DD idea right out of the box. Whether it's one of those reasons or something completely new, take a look at why they aren't willing to give it a shot and research or talk to others who practice DD about how to help calm some of their fears and solve some of the problems they're having with it before you talk to him/her about it again.

3: Don't get discouraged/act out on purpose. I know these are two different things, but I'm lumping them together for a reason because one often leads to the other. Your first reaction is probably to be discouraged, disappointed, upset, etc. and that's understandable. Although I believe domestic discipline greatly helps marriages, it's not something you have to have for your marriage to work- not even close. Also, just because your spouse said no doesn't mean there is no hope for it to become a tool in your marriage in the future. As I said before, I've talked to a few people who are all happily practicing DD now, but their journey started out with a "no" at first too. 

Some people have the mindset that if the answer is no, they should go act out on purpose (if they are the wife) or point out every flaw their spouse has that makes them need DD (if they are the husband). This, ladies and gentlemen, is a very bad idea. For one, the chances are slim that either of these really unintelligent plans will be received well. If your husband sees you acting out on purpose, it's most likely just going to annoy him and cause hostility/arguments/etc. and push him even further away from the idea of DD because "oh my gosh, that's how she'll act??" will be at the forefront of his mind. For husbands, constantly making comments like "see, because you did _____, we really need to try DD" is going to have the same response (most likely) of annoyance and hostility, as well as pushing your wife further away from the DD concept. 

The bottom line is, if the answer was no (for whatever reason), it doesn't necessarily mean it will be the end of the world. Just take a break from discussing it, research it some more on your own or talk to others about it, and then revisit the issue in a few weeks or months. 

If Your Spouse Said Yes...

If your spouse is willing to try domestic discipline, that's awesome! Here's a few "starting out" tips that I would recommend. 

1: Start out slow. I really can't stress this point enough. Rushing into something like domestic discipline usually ends with some not so great results. Don't be in a giant hurry to be at the same place with it that a couple who has been practicing it for 10 years is. Just take things slow. Lay the foundation of it first, then slowly begin to add on from there as the weeks, months, and years go by.

2: So, what is the foundation? In my opinion, DD takes 4 foundation cornerstones to work. Honesty, respect, communication and trust. Those need to be present from both parties. It's going to take all 4 of those for domestic discipline to be implemented properly. There are also things such as consistency (I'm planning to do a post on that later, so stay tuned) that are crucial as well. 

Once you've perfected those foundation cornerstones, you're ready to begin building the structure of domestic discipline. (see how this is kind of like building a house?)

3: Creating a rules list is the next thing I would recommend doing. This is going to do one of the most important things, which is setting boundaries. Every couple who practices DD has a different set of rules. Most of the time, their rules can be defined in what is known as "The 4 D's" which are "nothing dangerous, nothing dishonest, nothing disrespectful and nothing disobedient". For some, just having "The 4 D's" as their basic rule list works perfectly. For others, they think the 4 D's are too vague and general, so they create a more defined rule list. However you choose to do it is up to you and your spouse. 

Once the rule list is put into place, domestic discipline will flow a lot easier. Over time, you'll get the hang of it so don't be discouraged if you don't see major improvements at first. It takes time (remember, take it slow!) but is so worth it.

Links to read over:

• Beginner Level Spankings
• Getting Started with DD
• Advice For Beginners

Good luck, and if you have any questions or need any help, just let me know!

How to Convince Your Spouse to Try DD- Talking to Your Spouse (Part 2)

(This is the 2nd part of the 3 part series regarding how to approach your spouse about trying domestic discipline. If you haven't already read part 1, please do so before reading this. Thanks!)

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So, now it's time to actually talk to your spouse about domestic discipline. This is probably the most uncomfortable part for most people, but it doesn't have to be. Remember, the worst that can happen is your husband or wife could just say no, and in that case, you go from there (there will be more about that in part 3 coming later this week). 

The first thing I'd recommend doing is sitting down and cutting out all outside distractions. Wait until your kids are in bed (if you have kids), put away cell phones, turn off the TV, etc. 

How you word the conversation is ultimately up to you. You know your spouse and your marriage better than anyone, so you'll have to tailor the conversation around that. However, I'd recommend the following aspects are somehow incorporated into "the talk"..

1: What domestic discipline is, and what domestic discipline isn't. 

2: Why you want domestic discipline in your marriage.

3: The pro's to including domestic discipline in your marriage.

Here's a sample of what I mean.. 

"I just wanted to talk to you a little bit about something I found called domestic discipline. Domestic discipline is ______, and it's not ________ (put it into your own words). I know it might sound crazy to you, and I understand that. But, I think it could really help our marriage, especially with ______________ (whatever issues you would like it to help with, or why you want it in your marriage). I've researched this and/or talked to some others about it and I think it has a lot of pros to trying it like ___, ____, ____ (list whatever pros you want). It's just something I feel like we should try once, and if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, and we can agree to end it and move forward. But I'd like to try it because ________. I love you a lot, and I want our marriage to be stronger. What do you think/what questions do you have about it? 

It's important to do 3 key things when talking to your spouse about domestic discipline.

1: Empathize with their feelings. Domestic discipline, especially to someone who has never heard of it or considered trying it before, is going to come off as a completely off the wall and crazy concept, and you need to understand that. By saying something like "I understand this might make you nervous, or that you might think it's crazy" you're empathizing with how your spouse might be feeling. This will help your spouse to feel more at ease (like "my husband/wife is understanding why this might be hard for me") which will make him/her more likely to openly discuss it with you because they will feel like they don't constantly have to defend their feelings.

2: Make sure the 3 aspects I included above are somehow incorporated into your discussion. It's important that you don't just sit down and flat out say "hey babe, I would like to try domestic discipline. What do you think?" without giving them any sort of background on what domestic discipline is, why you think it would be beneficial, etc. It's also important that you don't just say "I want DD. Now read this website, and this website, and this website (etc.) and let me know what you think". Your spouse will feel a LOT more comfortable with the idea if they hear YOUR interpretation of what DD is, why YOU want it, etc. 

3: Ensure him/her that this is something that you've thought a lot about, researched, and truly want to try. They need to know you're serious about it.

To answer the questions like what is domestic discipline (and what it's not), and so on, the following links might be helpful to read over.

• What Is Domestic Discipline?
• Domestic Discipline Testimonials 
• The Pro's to Domestic Discipline
• Advice from a woman who confronted her husband about starting DD

How To Convince Your Spouse To Try DD- BEFORE You Talk To Your Spouse (Part 1)

I sometimes think one of the hardest aspects of domestic discipline is actually starting it. Going to your spouse with an idea such as domestic discipline that's extremely controversial, out of the norm, and life changing (because it's literally a lifestyle that both parties have to be willing to adapt) can be really tough at first..for both of you to accept.

The steps below are what I'd recommend doing before you approach your spouse about starting domestic discipline. A couple of these steps I didn't use myself (if you want to know how I went to my husband about DD, click here and here) but looking back on it, I wish I would have. Obviously this isn't some sort of fool-proof "plan" but regardless, here's my recommendations. 

1. Make sure you want this. The first thing I would recommend doing is making sure domestic discipline is something that you want in your marriage. Domestic discipline isn't really something that you can turn off and on. What I mean by that is if DD sounds like a fine and great concept to you, you go to your spouse about it, they agree to try it..and then a week later you decide it sucks and want to stop but then the next week you want it again...it just won't work. Don't get me wrong, domestic discipline is absolutely something you can (and should) stop at any time if it's not working for you, but it's not something I'd recommend continually stopping and starting because you can't make up your mind what you want. The consistency needs to be there at all times in order for domestic discipline to be effective. So, BOTH parties need to be 100% on board and that starts with you being 100% on board before approaching your spouse. Research domestic discipline first. Ask whatever questions you have about DD to someone who already practices it. Really make sure this is a lifestyle that you want to adapt.

2. Be prepared for the "common hesitations" ahead of time. The second step I'd recommend is to understand how your spouse might react, that way you're prepared for it. Very few spouses, from the get go, are going to say "wow sounds great, lets try it" (especially if they've never heard of it before) There's going to be some hesitation, naturally. So, be prepared for that. The following list is just some feelings I've noticed from husbands, and wives, regarding their hesitations with incorporating domestic discipline into their marriage. Hopefully this will help you to understand a little more about where your spouse may be coming from.

Husband Hesitations:

• They don't want to hurt their wives. This is extremely common, and actually a good thing (after all, who really wants to be married to someone who enjoys hurting them?). However, try explain to your husband that there are different kinds of hurt and it's the intention behind the "hurt" that matters. For example- punishment is hurt (in some situations, such as spanking) with the intent to correct, and is done lovingly (that's the key word, everyone). There's also physical hurt that is not done lovingly or with the intent to correct (example- punching someone in the face), and emotional hurt (example- saying rude things). Both of those are NOT what domestic discipline is, stands for, recommends, or exhibits. It's important that your husband understands that.
• They don't want to see their wives cry. This goes pretty much hand in hand with the above hesitation. 
• They don't want to be the parent to their wives. A lot of husbands feel that by creating rules/setting boundaries (and then using discipline to enforce those rules when/if they're broken) that they will lose their wife, and instead gain another child. This one is just one of those "you have to try it to experience the dynamic" things. I've never heard one couple in a DD marriage say they feel like a child, or they feel like a parent. It's a totally different dynamic you have to experience (even if it's just once) to understand.
• They want an independent woman. I've only heard this one a couple of times, but I'd imagine there are more men out there who are thinking this. However, being disciplined doesn't mean you aren't strong, independent, or capable of making decisions for yourself. It just means that if those decisions are made poorly, you have help in fixing them before it becomes an issue in your marriage/family.

Wife Hesitations:

• They don't want to be treated like a child. This one goes hand in hand with one of the common hesitations the husbands face when hearing about DD, which is that they don't want to feel like they are parenting their wives. The explanation for this one is the same- it's just an experience you have to try to understand the dynamic. I could try to explain it on my blog, but it probably wouldn't make a lot of sense. However, if someone wants me to, I'm willing to try.
• They're afraid it will hurt (the spanking aspect). Well, it does hurt..I won't lie. But the pain is temporary, and what you gain from it is well worth it. 

(If anyone has anything to add to these, or anything I left out, please let me know).

3. Understand the benefits. After you've studied up on all the hesitations so you know where your spouse might stand on the topic or what fears he/she might have about it, it's important that you also understand the benefits and explain these to your spouse. There's a lot I could list, but I'll just list a few to start with.

• It brings the two of you closer together. For someone who's never tried domestic discipline before, this might sound ridiculous (I thought the same, at first). However, the entire aspect of domestic discipline requires a lot of honesty, trust, communication, and love that, starting from the very beginning, begins to slowly bring you closer and closer together. 
• It greatly reduces arguments. A lot of couples (who don't practice DD) argue about things such as children, money, and the list goes on and on. However, when you have DD as a part of your marriage, it reduces those arguments by giving both of you a different way to outlet your feelings. If your husband is having an issue with how much you spend, instead of yelling/arguing/etc. with you about it, he'll punish you and the issue will be resolved (or on it's way to being resolved). This gives him a feeling of "ok, she's going to really work on this now. The problem will be fixed, and I don't have to repeatedly argue with her about it" and it gives the wife a sense of "I'm forgiven, I've been punished for it, and now I can take the necessary steps to fix the problem.". It also makes her feel that her husband is with her in fixing the problem, not against her. 
• It creates a more structured and consistent environment in your home and marriage. 
• It improves your marriage.

So there you have it. Those 3 steps are what I'd recommend you do before you go approach your spouse with the idea of trying domestic discipline in your marriage. 

I broke this "series" into 3 parts because it's such a long and complex topic. Part 2 will be how to actually talk to your spouse about domestic discipline, and part 3 will be what to expect in the beginning stages of domestic discipline if your spouse agrees to it or how to handle it if he/she rejects the idea completely.

-Chelsea