Asking to be Spanked: Part II

  Before we get started, I need to clarify something - this is the husband of the blog author.  That's right, I'm Clint, husband of Chelsea, and she has asked me to write a post on her blog.  Since she has written a couple of terrific posts for Learning Domestic Discipline, I figured it was only fair of me to return the favor and write something for her blog as well.

  She asked me to go back on some of her posts and find one that I could offer the husband's perspective on.  There were several I considered, but I ultimately decided on writing about the topic of asking to be spanked, which she wrote about several months ago.  It's not a situation that comes up very often, but when it does, it can be a tricky one to approach/handle.  I figured I'd offer my perspective on the whole concept of the wife asking for a spanking to hopefully help those of you in this situation (or that have been in this situation before) feel a little better about doing so.

  I've talked to enough Domestic Discipline couples to understand that the biggest problem in this situation tends to be the wife's fear of insulting her husband by asking to be punished, or the fear that he may feel she is questioning his authority, or that she is "stepping on his toes", so to speak, as the decision maker and leader of the home and marriage.  After all, he is supposed to decide the punishments and when to administer them, not the wife.  Right?

  Yes, absolutely right.  While this how the Domestic Discipline dynamic operates the most effectively and efficiently, the wife still has her own thoughts, opinions, and individual perspective on the relationship, the rules, and the punishments.  She should feel comfortable sharing them with her husband in any situation.  If the whole DD dynamic of a marriage is operating effectively, the husband should be listening to his wife's concerns/issues/problems whenever she has them and whenever she feels the need to express them to him.  As such, the wife shouldn't feel as though she can't approach her husband about wanting to get spanked, or, at the very least, be held accountable in some fashion for the mistake she made that's causing her so much emotional conflict.  If she does feel this hesitation then that's a communication problem, which is a different problem entirely, and an extremely unfortunate one at that.  Perhaps addressing that is another topic for another post sometime, but we'll stay on topic here.

  I'm sure there are a handful of husbands who wouldn't appreciate their wives asking for a spanking and would feel as though she was "stepping on his toes", but to be perfectly honest with you, I've never come across one of those husbands.  I'm certainly not one of those husbands.  A husband that honestly feels that way probably has some insecurity issues, but again, that's a topic for another blog entry some other time.  This doesn't mean that those husbands aren't out there, but I think it's an irrational fear women have when considering the notion of asking their husbands to spank them.  If anything, husbands appreciate it.  I most certainly do.

  Why would a husband appreciate his wife asking him to spank her?  Well, there are a few reasons.  First - and most importantly, in my opinion - the wife asking for a spanking shows a tremendous amount of accountability and responsibility for her actions.  Do you know how many wives would NOT do something like this?  I don't have a statistical percentage or anything, but my educated guess is a lot.  So, strictly speaking for myself, I would be extremely proud of my wife for having the courage to approach me about her desire to be held accountable for something she knew was wrong, and for having the responsibility to take ownership of her actions.  I think most men would find this very honorable, which would lead to much more respect for you.

  Second, it shows your husband you "get it."  You understand the lifestyle and why you practice it.  You understand that spankings DO help you to feel better emotionally, and they DO help you become a smarter, safer, and better person.  It's such a relief to the husband when he knows his wife "gets" the bigger picture of the DD lifestyle.  This may sound silly to you, but it's the truth.  That moment is such a relief to the husband.

  Third, it takes a little pressure off of the husband.  Not much, but a little.  By the wife asking to be punished, she is illustrating that she understands why her behavior was a problem.  That saves the husband the duty of having to lecture, essentially.  She already knows what she did was wrong and she already knows she must be punished for it.  There's no pressure on the husband to lecture, and no pressure on the husband to punish for lack of cooperation from his wife when he goes to spank her.  This is her idea, so she's going to cooperate.  Again, knowing the wife will cooperate is such a relief to the husband.

  As you can see, asking for punishment is a good thing, if it's justified and if it's done with the correct intentions.  But, I do caution those of you who want to ask to be spanked to ask carefully.  There's a right way and a wrong way to do it.

Right way: "I just can't get past how bad I feel about __________ (whatever happened).  I mean, I really feel terrible honey.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I want to move past this.  I want to know that you forgive me, and I want to learn from it and put this whole thing behind us.  As much as I hate to admit it, I think a spanking would really help me to feel better about everything and would help me to move on from it.  Can you help me feel better about this?"

  This is respectful, it shows contrition, and it's done in a manner that still allows the husband to make the final decision.

Wrong way: "This is something you need to spank me for, (husband's name).  If we're going to practice DD, like we both agreed to do, then you need to step up and do your part.  I don't want to feel like I have to constantly come to you and ask you to do your part, and all the while feel like crap until you finally make a decision on whether or not to punish me.  I know this was a rule we agreed on, I know I broke it, I feel terrible about it, and I know I need to be spanked.  I want to be spanked so I feel better.  So, will you just spank me already?"

  This is condescending, a bit rude and disrespectful, and is done in a manner that isn't really allowing the husband to make the ultimate decision.  The wife is basically illustrating that if things aren't done the way she wants them to be done, then it will be an uncomfortable household for the rest of the night.  That isn't good, obviously, and not the way a healthy DD relationship works.  Also, if the husband does spank after being talked to like this (if it didn't cause an argument), it will be done resentfully.  He'll have a hollow, "let's just get through this" attitude which will make the spanking/punishment much less meaningful.

  Asking for a spanking isn't easy to do.  Discipline spankings hurt and aren't something a person generally wants done to them, so it's obviously hard to willingly ask to have that done to you.  However with that said, sometimes asking for a spanking is the right thing to do.  On top of that, doing so in a constructive way will make your husband respect you for having the courage to take accountability for your actions.  Trust me - respectfully asking for a spanking under the appropriate circumstances is most definitely a good thing.

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This is Chelsea now. I just want to give a major thank you to my husband for writing a guest post on my blog this week. I greatly appreciate it. He's the best! :-)

Stay tuned for the Weekly Roundups which will start next week, and I'll be back to "regular blogging" next week as well.

We hope everyone has an awesome holiday weekend! Stay safe!

Asking To Be Spanked

The dilemma of whether or not to go to your husband and ask to be punished is one of the hardest things in a DD marriage, in my opinion. I think a lot of us struggle with this topic in some form, and it's a question I've gotten frequently (most recently just a few days ago). With her permission, I posted the most recent email I've gotten asking the ever-so-popular question of "should you ask to be spanked"?  I felt, since this something a lot of us have struggled with (myself included) at one point or another, this entry may help a lot of people.

Dear Chelsea,

I found your blog last month and have been hooked ever since. Both you and your husbands blogs have been so helpful to our marriage. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and using Domestic Discipline for just over 1. I was writing to ask your advice on a topic I've been struggling a lot with lately, which is how to ask my husband (or if i even should be asking my husband) to spank me.

To cite a recent example, one of the items on our rule list is to not have any  accounts of any type that each other doesn't have prior knowledge of. Well, I had broken that rule by signing up for a PayPal account in order to ease my online shopping habits. I had it linked to our checking account, and needless to say, it has caused a big financial mess. When my husband discovered this, he was understandably angry. He yelled, then gave me the silent treatment for days, then when he was done, he "reset" himself and all went back to normal. There was no lecture, no punishment, no closure of any type, really.

Situations similar to this have happened over the course of the year we have been implementing Domestic Discipline in our marriage and I just feel almost like he is picking and choosing when to practice Domestic Discipline. When he acts like everything is fine (and, to me, it isn't) it is hard for me to deal with. Is it ok, normal, accepted, etc. to ask him to punish me if i really think it will help, or should I let it go because he did?

Thanks in advance,

Heidi



Dear Heidi,

I'm so glad both my husband and I's blogs have been helpful to you and your husband! Thanks for your email, and I'll do my best to answer your question.

First, you aren't alone (at all) in struggling with this. I've struggled with the same thing before, as have many other DD wives. One of the awesome things about domestic discipline is the sense of resolution to a problem that it brings both parties invovled. As much as I hate being spanked, I can admit that afterwards I feel totally forgiven, cherished, loved, and that the slate has been wiped clean. Those feelings are hard to achieve in a situation where your husband just handles things on his own (like giving you the silent treatment, then just moving on like in your case) and you're left stranded. I totally understand that and it's a problem I've faced a few times as well.

I don't think any wife wants to be spanked, and that's where a lot of wives have a hang-up about asking. It's extremely difficult (for me, at least) to go to my husband and say "Honey, I think I need to be punished for _____". When this situation arises with me, I want the aftermath of a spanking (in terms of closure, not in terms of my butt being on fire, lol) without experiencing the actual spanking, but I think we can all admit that's a very, very difficult thing to achieve one without the other. When you're thinking of saying to your husband "I think I need to be spanked" what you're really conveying, in my opinion, is "Instead of you just saying everything is fine, and moving on, I want to know that you forgive me, and I want to feel that closure to the argument/issue/problem/fight (whatever it was) that we had".

With me, usually the guilt of whatever I did wrong can only be erased by being punished (whether that's spanking, or something else) and I think that's the same with a lot of other women as well. I rarely ask my husband to punish me, but that doesn't mean I haven't in the past, or wouldn't in the future. I don't think there's anything wrong, or abnormal, about doing so but here's what I would recommend doing..

The first thing is to understand that if you do end up getting punished, because you technically asked for it, you kinda have to just cooperate at that point. What I mean by that is you can't really be like "honey, I think I deserve a spanking" and then, once you're actually in position to be spanked, suddenly change your mind and start trying to get out of it. Not only will this probably really piss off your husband, but it will make things worse. So, step 1 is to make sure you're prepared to actually get spanked. In order to get those results you want afterwards, it kind of has to happen. :(

As far as actually asking, I find the quicker you do it the better. Since I have some sort of mental hang-up by just coming right out and asking my husband, I usually just start by telling him how sorry I am for the infraction, and how guilty I feel. Then, transition that into how you're feeling (that you're upset he yelled at you, you don't feel closure, etc...however it is you're feeling toward the situation) and then end with something like "I just feel like, because we've chosen to practice domestic discipline in our marriage, it shouldn't be a 'on and off' thing. I don't want to be spanked, but I also don't want to deal with the effects of feeling guilty, or feeling like this problem hasn't fully been solved. In addition, I definitely don't want to ever make this mistake again, and I don't think you want me to either".

This sort of "opens the door" for you to be punished. In some ways, this sucks but in a lot of ways, it's really helpful. This way is more of a "feelings conversation" but it's a lot easier to do, in my opinion, then just come right out and ask him to spank you.

The bottom line is nothing you're feeling is out of the ordinary. I think all wives, at some point in their marriage, have wished their husbands wouldn't be so inconsistent with the rules/consequences, or would punish them so that they get that sense of the slate being wiped clean.

I hope this helps you, and others!

-Chelsea

If anyone else has any questions on the topic (or anything else), feel free to email me or comment. I'd love to hear them!