The "age old" DD question.

"How does being in a DD relationship not make you feel like you're being treated like a child?"

I'm almost convinced that every single person against DD has this swirling around their head. Not that there's anything wrong with that (necessarily) but I've heard this countless times.

This is one of those topics that makes perfect sense in my head, but putting it into words seems so difficult. I think/hope those that already practice DD know exactly what I mean about it not making you feel like a child without me even having to put it into words, but I don't know for sure.

Rules and consequences are everywhere in the world. Not just between a parent and a child. There are rules at work, school, public places, virtually everywhere. There are also consequences (usually in the form of the law but not always). Society has to have boundaries in order to function, that's just the bottom line. It really baffles me why some people have such a hard time grasping that husbands create rules boundaries for their wives. I guess I'm weird.

I can't speak for all women in a DD relationship, but in mine, I've never felt like a child. I think the biggest reasons for this are..

1. The emotions involved. Domestic discipline, in general, requires a lot of really strong emotional ties. These ties become even stronger, and more apparent, when punishment (primarily spanking) takes place. The emotions involved are significantly different than a parent punishing a child. They are the same emotions applied within a marriage, or serious relationship. 
2. The discussion before hand is different. The discussions (or lectures, or whatever you want to call it) my husband and I have before hand are structured in a sense where there are a lot of open ended, thought provoking, and adult-themed. It isn't "you really shouldn't have done ___. Now you're getting punished." type of thing.
3. It's consensual. Parent/child discipline is not consensual, but DD is. In my marriage, I'm free to "withdraw consent" from this being in our marriage at any time (and so is my husband). Although I never have (and either has he), it's an option if either of us ever feel we need it. With that consent, I agreed to everything that comes with DD (the ups, the downs, the punishments, the rules, the rewards, the trust, the bond, the love, the emotions, and so much more). I chose this.

This "you're being treated like a child!" thing never really made much sense to me, to be perfectly honest. My husband and I are married. He doesn't parent me, or raise me. I think SOME parental elements are there (he protects me, he loves me, etc.) but, in my opinion, those elements are there in any strong marriage (whether DD is present or not).

If your husband is making you feel like a child, I would strongly recommend reevaluating your DD relationship and pin pointing what areas are making you feel that way, because, in my opinion, that isn't healthy and DD wasn't created to be a parenting mechanism. It was created to strengthen marriages, and in my opinion, it does just that. 

FAQ Part 2

Hey everyone,

This is the second installment of my FAQ post "series" (for lack of a better term). I'm planning on one more entry (probably) so if you have a question you want answered, email it to me and I might feature it.

Why is crying during/after a spanking important?

I feel that some sort of emotional release at some point in the spanking process (before, during, or after) is important because it's just that- an emotional release. To be perfectly honest though, crying or showing emotion is something I've struggled with. It's not because the spanking doesn't hurt (yeah, definitely not because of that..) but it's more like some mental game I created to see how tough I really am (this is bad advice everyone..so don't take it. I'm just sharing what I do). So this is something I'm still working towards. Therefore, it's a hard question for me to answer fully. But, my general opinion on the subject is that if you cry, it's more of an emotional release. I also think it helps you to feel forgiven and more forward in a more constructive, and easier manner.

My husband refuses to rub my bottom before, during, or after a spanking. How can I get him to start doing that?

Short answer- Mine doesn't either. So, when you figure out something that works let me know!

In all seriousness though, I don't know. I've gotten this question quite a bit over the past few months (the topic of rubbing/massaging/etc seems to be a popular one) but the honest to God answer is I don't know. My husband occasionally will rub it like HOURS (or the next day..) after a spanking, but aside from that, he doesn't rub it at all. He also won't let me rub it (which is extremely hard not to do...extremely). I haven't yet found the perfect piece of advice to answer this question, but when I do, I'll post it here!

Do you read any spanking fiction stories? Which ones/sites are your favorite?

I don't read any. I've seen some of them (on Lulu, and other sites such as that) but I haven't ever bought, or read one. In the future, I might..but up until this point I haven't. I have nothing against them though.

Is it uncomfortable for you to talk about DD "in real life" out in public or with your friends? Is it uncomfortable to have "real life" friends who practice DD?

No, and no. At first it was kind of awkward to face-to-face talk with another person about an intimate/controversal/sensitive/opinionated topic like domestic discipline. But, over time I just kind of got used to it. Having friends "in real life" that practice domestic discipline is extremely beneficial, I think (for a lot of reasons). I feel fortunate to know so many people that practice, and they're all amazing. Up until this day, I've only come across 1 person "in the lifestyle" (and, I don't know her personally..) who I've had a bad experience with.

I'm single. Do you have any ideas on where I could meet someone to enter a domestic discipline relationship with?

I'm a pretty strong believer that the relationship should not be founded on domestic discipline. So, I think looking on designated domestic discipline personals sites may not be the best idea. There's nothing wrong with those sites, but I just think that getting a solid foundation of your relationship down prior to introducing, or talking about domestic discipline, would ensure better results long-term.

So, my advice would be to meet a girl/guy outside of the "DD world" and then, once your relationship is more established and you both feel like a long-term and more committed relationship is in the near future, then bring up domestic discipline (for more ideas on how to do that, click here) and go from there.

I'm married, but my spouse refuses to try domestic discipline. However, I feel it would really help me. Would it be wrong of me to seek out someone to punish me (or, for me to punish them) outside our marriage? If so, where would you recommend looking?

I've gotten both types of questions- "I want to take on a 'mentoring' role and punish someone (or help someone) outside my marriage because my wife isn't ok with DD" and "My husband refuses to try DD but I think it would help my behavior" so I thought I'd answer both in the same response because my answer is similar for each of them.

Short answer- I wouldn't recommend that.

Longer answer- Domestic discipline, to me, is different than having a "mentor" or mentoring someone (not that there's anything wrong with that). So when you use the term "I want domestic discipline" I really feel that's only something that can be achieved between two people in a committed relationship, or a marriage. I think seeking someone else to fufill that within your marriage would probably really piss your spouse off. If he doesn't want to punish his wife, the chances of him wanting someone else (especially someone he doesn't know) doing it are very slim and if your wife doesn't want you punishing her the chances of her wanting you to punish someone else (especially someone she doesn't know) are very slim. It's too intimate to have someone else "take over the role" in my opinion.

Now, IF by some miracle, your spouse IS ok with it, then I would recommend involving him/her in the process and talk with him/her about what they are, and aren't comfortable with. I think that's crucial. As far as where to look, I honestly don't know. I know there are some spanking personal sites (SpankFinder and Spanko are the only two I've ever heard of, but I'm sure there's dozens more if you google it) that might help you out.

The bottom line though is this isn't something I'd recommend at all. It's too "dangerous" for your marriage.

I hope everyone is having a great week!

-Chelsea

Part 1: FAQ

Happy New Year everyone!

Sorry I've been out of the blogging loop for a little bit. I took some time off to be with my family for the holidays. It was our sons first Christmas so between all the Christmas festivities for him, family dinners, Christmas shopping..all that fun stuff, I haven't had much time for anything else. But, things have finally been settling down so- I'm back!

Before I get started, I wanted to let everyone know that I'm on Twitter now! You can follow me by clicking here. :)

I've gotten a lot of emails, blog comments, you name it over the past few months and a lot of them are really repetitive (which is fine..) so I thought I'd answer some of the most frequently asked questions in a 2 (maybe 3..) part blog series so that hopefully if one of these is a question you've had, now you know the answer!

My husband isn't consistent enough with the rules/punishments. He seems to get on "kicks" where he really cracks down, and then other times he lets everything go. How can I get him to pick one or the other?

This is an extremely common problem. I call this "consistently inconsistent". I think it's a problem that can be frustrating for both people involved, and it's something that can have pretty toxic results long term if not corrected quickly.

I really don't know why men do this (guys, anyone out there want to help me out with this one?) but it seems like every HoH at one point or another has went down this road for some length of time and to some degree. The problem with it is it begins to train the woman's brain as to what behaviors will get her in trouble, and what behaviors won't when the man "cracks down" on the rules. Then, when he lets up all that "brain training" (for lack of a better term) goes out the window. Then, it becomes a difficult process.

If your husband is suffering from the "consistently inconsistent" syndrome (as I call it) the best thing to do is communicate. I feel like often times that's the answer to a lot of DD related problems, and it sounds cliche, but it's once again true in this scenario as well. Let him know how it, psychologically speaking, is really confusing for you. After your talk, I recommend you both sit down and rewrite your rule list. If he's relaxing on some of the rules, maybe he feels those aren't as important right now as some others. I also think "target rules" are a good thing to get your husband back on the consistent track. "Target rules" are a group of rules (not a lot..like 2-4) that the husband feels need extra attention. Instead of cracking down on ALL the rules, then lightening up on ALL the rules (which will make the wife confused, among other things) the "target rules" are what should be adjusted. For example.. things like respect, honesty, obeying, not doing anything dangerous, etc. are rules that should always be in place with the same level of consistency. However, "target rules" would be something like procrastination. It's something that's always wrong to do, but once the wife begins to not procrastinate anymore, the rule can be eased up on because it's, essentially, fixed.

The bottom line is I think, for husbands/HoH's, instead of taking ALL the rules and changing the consistency (especially so frequency), it's better to break them into "solid rules" and "target rules". I also think it's important for husbands/HoH's to understand why consistency is so important to women (and, to everyone really, just in a different sense) and how frustrating and damaging it can be when the consistency lacks. This will most likely only come from you communicating it to your husband.

Do you ever resent or feel angry towards your husband for punishing you?

Short answer: no.

Long answer: I think anger is an emotion or feeling that is best left out of domestic discipline on both sides. It will only lead to negative results. There have been times (actually, only once that I can think of..) where I haven't agreed with the punishment or with his reasoning and I've felt frustrated, but I've never felt angry. I guess anger just isn't an emotion that I regularly feel. Before I get punished I'm usually upset (with myself for breaking the rule, usually) but I'm grateful that my husband handles punishment situations in, what I consider to be, a good manner and I'm relieved when it's all over with. I, in no way, resent him for caring enough, or for loving me. :)

Why are you so open about DD?

Because I don't feel it's wrong. However, let me say that I think it's FINE that some are very private about DD. I think it's just a matter of personal preference, and I respect everyones right to be as open, or as closed, as they want about it.

Would I go up to some random stranger on the street and be like "wow, you need DD! Here's what it is ____" ? No probably not. But, if someone flat out asked me if I practiced it, I'd answer honestly. If someone wanted to know more about it, I'd gladly share my experience and advice with them. I've talked to strangers about it before (I really need to tell my hair salon story at some point!) and it's came up in many different situations, with many different people. Sometimes it's uncomfortable, but I've learned how to deal with it the best I can. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what DD really entails, what really goes into DD, and the feelings, emotions, thought processes, actions, dynamics, relationships, etc. that it's built on. I've come to the conclusion that I honest to God don't see anything wrong with domestic discipline (if practiced correctly) and so, because of that, I'm open to sharing it with everyone. This may come back to bite me in the butt sometime in the future and I'm ok with that. I guess it just goes back to standing up for what you believe in. I believe DD works.

Are you planning to write a book?

I was actually just talking with my husband about this the other day! The short answer is basically yes, but when it will be available and what (specifically) it will be about is still in the works. I'd like to have something out by spring time, but I need to finalize the details first. If anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears!

What are your thoughts on practicing domestic discipline while pregnant? Did you practice domestic discipline while pregnant?

To start with, I really think this is one of those domestic discipline topics that is so situationally based, and individually based, that I can't give a broad answer like "yes, it's fine" or "no, it isn't".

Domestic discipline as a whole, I think is fine to practice while pregnant because domestic discipline is defined as so much more then spanking. Other punishments (grounding, corner time, lectures, etc) wouldn't have any effect on the pregnancy itself, and the other aspects of domestic discipline (following the rules, bonding with your spouse, the emotional connections, etc) obviously don't have any effect either. The only thing I think that does is spanking.

So, like I said, when it comes to domestic discipline excluding spanking, I think it's fine to continue on like normal during pregnancy. But, when you include spanking, then it makes it harder to say a broad yes or no answer. In general though, I will say that I've heard of (and experienced..) some variations of spanking (implement changes, etc.) that make it so it is ok to spank while pregnant, but those obviously depend so much on the couple and what "level" (beginner, etc.) of DD that they're practicing that it is too hard to say without looking at each individual circumstance.

My husband and I don't turn off, and on, domestic discipline. So yes, we still practiced during my pregnancy but we made some changes when it came to the spanking aspect, specfically. My husband researched it pretty thoroughly before coming to the conclusion that, for us, spanking was still ok to do (although differently..) and I would encourage other husbands to do the same before making the decision to, or to not, spank while pregnant.

Part 2 will be up next week!

-Chelsea