First, thank you to everyone who emailed, commented, sent me Twitter messages, texted me, and called me with well wishes for our little boy. I'm happy to say he is doing much better! He is still not 100%, but we are making progress, and I'm so thankful for that. Thank you to everyone who helped make a tough time a little easier on us!
Second, if you aren't yet a member of the Learning Domestic Discipline Social Network, there's an awesome Valentines Day special going on! You can find out more about it on my husbands blog.
I thought of just about every excuse possible to not write this blog entry. I think the best excuse I came up with was that I didn't want to feed into the drama that, for God knows what reason, seems to circulate through DD blogs (and emails, and comments, and so on and so forth). 99.5% of the time, I'd really prefer to just stay out of stuff like this, but I guess here's where the .5% of the time where I feel the need to actually do something comes in.
I feel like there are a lot of misconceptions swirling around in the "DD community". Misconceptions about me and my marriage and misconceptions about DD in general (usually from those who have never practiced or heard of DD before, and that's understandable).
These are just 4 of them, but I'm sure there's many more, and I will maybe get to those in the future. But, for now, here's my take on 4 of the "why you practicing DD is so horrible" reasons that I hear all the time (and I'm getting a little sick of it).
Misconception #1: "You haven't been practicing DD long enough to give advice".
Just when I think the world is getting smarter, I see this statement.
There is no rule saying "you have to be practicing domestic discipline for over __ years in order to give advice", first off.
Secondly, I think the length of time isn't necessarily what dictates whether the advice is good or not. People come to me/us and ask for advice, and I/we give it out. I've asked numerous DD friends/people in the community for advice over the years and some of the best advice I've gotten has come from those who have only been practicing DD for a few months, while other good advice has come from those practicing for over 20-something years.
To clear it up: My husband and I have been practicing DD for over 4 years. I'm almost positive that some people think we started practicing after we got married (which has been almost 2 years ago..) but we haven't. We have been together for several years, began practicing DD 4 years ago, and got married almost 2 years ago. If that doesn't meet peoples "qualificiations" I don't know what to tell you. :(
Misconception #2: DD is abuse.
My husband wrote (what I consider to be an excellent) blog entry on that here.
Misconception #3: Women in domestic discipline have no freedom.
Speaking personally, I have plenty of freedom. I'm allowed to make whatever choice, or decision, I want to. But, some of the choices/decisions have consequences behind them. Still, no one (except me) is stopping me from doing whatever I want to do, when I want to do it, and how I want to do it. What DOES stop me is the fear of consequence, thus why domestic discipline works so well.
I can't speak for all women in DD relationships because I know everyone practices domestic discipline differently. But, in every DD relationship I've seen, the wife is free to make whatever decisions she wants. There is plenty of freedom involved.
Misconception #4: It makes the women feel degraded.
Unless degraded means loved, cherished, and protected, then that would be incorrect.
Once again, I can't speak for all women in DD marriages because it's very possible that somewhere out there there is a woman in a non-consensual DD relationship who feels that way. But, for everyone I know, that couldn't be further from the truth.
I think one of the best things about domestic discipline is the emotional feelings involved with it. For me, it makes me feel protected and loved. That would be the furthest thing from degraded.
well said Chelsea! Glad your little guy is feeling better!
ReplyDeleteBravo! Chelsea I agree 100%
ReplyDeleteI am thankful you guys stepped up when you did and started "giving advice".
Some times people are held back by their lack of qualification, and it never happens.
(Which I feel is nonsense anyway based on the sound advice anyone who has actually read Clint's blog can see.)
So many of us have been impacted in a positive way by the Network, that You and Clint have put together. No one else has been able to do what you have done and seriously, why can't we all just play nicely?
None of us are all going to do things exactly the same. Some of us are going to do things the way Clint recommends and some are going to do it the way they read some where else and you know what? Some of our HOH's don't read at all and they call the shots and are going to do it the way they want anyway...
We do what we do- and we all call it something else, it really doesn't matter.
What matters is having a community where we belong. Where we can live openly. Where we can feel normal. Where we can talk about what we are going thru, ask questions and grow.
Thank you guys for always trying to keep the network going and before that just the blog, and for being so positive, we know that you put your own time into it and really get nothing out of it. There are many of us who appreciate it so don't listen to the rest of them.
they are not happy unless they are miserable and stirring trouble- you've met them in R/L too right?
Very nicely written - and I agree with everything you said. I didn't know you had been practicing for four years though....
ReplyDeleteJust some thoughts on misconception #1 - maybe this stems from the way you and your husband present information? You may not have intended to set your selves up as "the DD experts" but you do offer a lot of advice and your husband's blog in particular is certainly looked at as a resource on "how-to" or "how-not-to-do" DD. Some people are looking for exactly that, while others get upset...perhaps because what you promote looks different from their DD relationships? Just a guess. Anyway, I think criticism is going to come with the territory and you shouldn't let it get to you. If lists and recommendations aren't your cup of tea, there are so many other blogs out there offering candid stories and experiences full of emotion. Hopefully your harassers will stumble across one of those and leave you and your husband alone.
ReplyDeleteWell this is a subject that is near and dear to my heart.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has desperately needed this learning blog; let me say how glad i am that you and Clint are here. Both my husband and I have come back repeatedly to find answers and solutions in the last 7 or 8 months. Otherwise, we never would have made it through the last year together.
We searched sites prior to this and we're shocked at most of what we found out there. By the time we picked our way through the hilarious, the sick, the depraved and the porn, we finally changed our wording on google and found you.
I don't care how long you've been doing dd. Thanks for helping the rest of us find our way.
I'm not in a DD marriage, and after reading over mostly your husband's blog, as well as some other things I've found online, I don't really think it is the right thing for my husband and I. I had no idea that this was a lifestyle at all until very recently. Having said that, I think that your husband explains it all very concisely and makes the lifestyle understandable for someone like me who had no idea that this sort of thing was going on.
ReplyDeleteAt first blush, DD appears to have the potential to be abusive, but Clint explains it in such a careful way, I really appreciate all the times on his blog that he cautions against being belittling or demeaning. I'm glad that you guys chose to be public and to council others who choose to do this and to point out that if a couple mutually consents to this sort of relationship, it can be done without being emotionally abusive. I would bet that your guidance has helped more than one couple who is choosing this path to not cross that line into emotional abuse and just plain cruelty.
I don't choose this for myself, but after reading your blogs, I get why you and your husband do, and I respect your right to make that choice. In my humble opinion, it is quite a compliment to you and your hubby that can make something so controversial make sense (not agreeable, but understandable)to someone like me. Feminism, after all, is about women being empowered to make choices for themselves. I don't see you going on other people's blogs telling them they ought to practice this. I think your choice should be respected as well. I'm sure you get a lot of criticism, but I just wanted to tell you as an "outsider" to this, I believe you deserve to have your choice respected....