Discrimination in DD

Before I start, I want to preface this entry with a couple of things. The first is that my intention is not to make the focus of this post to be about the person losing business, getting hate mail or anything along those lines. For that reason, I have chosen not to name the site I am referring to in the below entry. 


I'm not a "drama person", at all. I hate it. My point behind posting this is to bring awareness to the fact that discrimination exists in domestic discipline and I guess I was completely naive for the fact that I didn't expect it to happen unless the person was waving a red flag to every single person they come across saying "hey, I practice DD!". For the record, although my husband and I are open about DD (meaning we don't go to great lengths to hide the fact it's a part of our marriage) I don't wave that red flag. So before any one person leaves me a comment or sends me an email informing me that me being open about DD is clearly the problem here..it isn't. 


Alright, now, to the story.


As some of you may have noticed, my blog got a mini-makeover this past weekend. I was getting a little tired of the boring plain pink layout, and I wanted something different. As a side note, the one I currently have up is a temporary one until I have time to write an HTML code on my own.


So, when I sat down last weekend to redo my blog, I really didn't have the time to spend 4+ hours (at least) writing the HTML code for it, and doing it myself let alone the hours it would take me to perfect it since I'm a major perfectionist. I just wanted something quick. So, I started browsing around sites of freelance blog designers and came across one I recognized because she had designed some non-DD blogs that I read. 


I sent her an email inquiring on pricing for her to design me a quick blog layout. We emailed back and forth a few times (which you'll see in just a moment) but what I never expected was the end result. I thought the end result would be me paying a few hundred dollars and getting a cool new blog layout. It wasn't.


Below are the actual emails (completely 100% unaltered, other than editing out the name of her site). The emails I sent are in purple and the emails she sent are in green.


Hi Becky,


My name is Chelsea, and I found your website through several friends of mines blogs/websites that you have designed. I was wondering if you had some time in your schedule to code a blog layout for me. I'm not 100% sure what I want, but I'm open to ideas/suggestions. Just something summer-like


Anyway, I love your work. :-) So, if you could please get back with me on a quote for a layout, header, and sidebar title tags that would be awesome. Thank you so much and enjoy your holiday weekend!


-Chelsea


Hey Chelsea!!!!


Thanks for your email and kind words regarding my design services. I would love to put together a price quote for you. Do you have a budget in mind? Also, could you send me a link to your blog currently so I could see approx how many blog entries, photos, links/tags, etc. you have so  I know how much time I would need to transfer everything over, how many sidebar tags you would need and what tabs you want coded? And also, is it hosted on Blogger or Word Press or another platform? I will put together a quote and a few samples you could browse through and let me know if theres anything you like!


Becky


Hi Becky,


I was actually thinking that if you didn't have enough time or if it would cut the cost down any, you don't have to worry about transferring all the entries, photos, etc. over. I can put the code live on the blog and do all that sort of stuff if you just want to code it for me. Whatevers easiest!


My blog is hosted on Blogger, although if you could make the code a general-use one that would be awesome. I am considering buying a domain name and creating my own site in the near future, but I'd like to still keep the blog part platformed with Blogger.


In terms of budget, I don't really have one but I was kind of wanting to keep it under $500 if possible. :-)


The link to my blog is http://www.knowingyourroles.blogspot.com 


Let me know if you need anything else.


Chelsea


Chelsea,


Thanks for the link to your current blog. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to spend the time putting together a quote for you nevertheless be able to create a layout for you.


I looked at your blog and I was appalled. The thought of a man (let alone your husband and someone who is supposed to love, cherish, and protect you from many things especially violence) creating rules and then punishing you like you are some sort of child or animal is sick and my heart hurts for you that you allow this to go on, let alone glamorize it in a blog.


I have never heard of a concept like this but I have to say if my hubby ever put his hands on me, let alone when he was unhappy with me, we would have a big problem. What happens when you decide the fun and games are over and you want a husband, not a disciplinarian? 


I don't know you but as a mother to a mother and a woman to a woman and a wife to a wife I urge you to seek help for your abusive marriage and please stop glamorizing it for others as if this is ok.


So no I won't be having anything to do with your blog other than placing it in a mental folder in my brain of the kind of wife I never want to become.


Please don't contact me again. I want nothing to do with someone who believes men and women aren't equal in a marriage and that a man honestly has the right to punish his wife. Lets face it, at the end of the day, I'm a respected, equal, wife to my husband and you are a doormat who doesn't who apparently doesn't mean much to anyone. 


This is just sick. A part of my heart breaks for you while the other wants to shake and scream at you for believing this is ok.


Becky


So that was it. I did send her one final email just asking if she had anything else to say before I put it up. As of now, she hasn't responded, but if she does, I will edit this post with her response.


You know, when it's all said and done, it's not like this really impacts my life so much. I mean, it's not like a job offer that just went out the window because of DD, or a house, or a preschool for our son or anything that actually matters. I can code my own blog layout, or find someone else to do it for me. I had every single intention of paying several hundred dollars (or more) for someone to code me a blog layout. The fact she passed up the opportunity simply because she thinks I'm a doormat who doesn't mean much to anyone is kinda sad, hurtful, and if she wants to talk about the words appalling and sickening, we can slip this in that folder as well.


The amazing part is when she asked for my blog URL and I responded, I didn't have second thoughts once. It never, ever crossed my mind that "omigosh, it talks about DD, and now she'll know you get punished. So, be careful giving it out to strangers". Not once. I typed it into that email to her as if I was typing a link to Google.com or any other everyday website. I guess I was naive to the fact that anyone would care. I asked her to code me a layout. I didn't ask for her to visit my blog, read everything, then NOT code me a layout and instead respond with a 6 paragraph editorial. 


So the moral of the story here is there are people that disagree with domestic discipline and I'm aware of that. What I was not aware of was how rude some people could be, or how discriminatory. So, lesson learned. Don't be so open about domestic discipline if you don't want to hear what the naysayers think. Got it.


The dilemma of "how open" or "how secretive/private" to be in a DD relationship seems to be a popular one and I don't want this type of thing to sway anyone to one side or the other. My point in posting this is simply to show that if discriminatory comments/emails/opinions can be given in such a low-key forum as this (a blog designer) then it can happen in much bigger ways too.


I'm not a big advocate on being extremely private on domestic discipline (but that's another entry, I guess). But at the same time, be careful who you tell because some people will apparently think you're worthless. 


Lesson learned.  


  

Happy Memorial Day!

Happy Memorial Day!!!!

 

 I'm proud to be an American,

where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me. -Lee Greenwood

We hope everyone is having a safe and great Memorial Day weekend. Please remember why we celebrate this day, and thank our amazing troops for giving us the freedom that we have.

God bless.

-Chelsea and family

My First Maintenance Spanking

I feel like our lives are more hectic than ever lately, and I can't wait for them to calm down some. Between my husbands work schedule, tons of summer plans, starting to build our dream house, our son getting ready to turn 1, and more I'm TOTALLY ready for some upcoming vacations. We need to just relax...really bad. :-) In the midst of how crazy busy everything has been lately, my amazing husband wrote a post the other day on my blog for me. I let him pick the topic, and I have to say, he did an awesome job. Thank you so much babe! You can read his guest post here.


I know I wrote about it on my last post, but I really don't have the time to get in trouble right now. I guess that's one awesome thing about being so busy! It's been over a month since I've been in trouble (aside from one corner time issue). However, I can't say it's been over a month since I got spanked (unfortunately) because my husband decided, out of the blue (well, out of the blue to me at least, but I'm pretty sure he thought it through for awhile first) to begin maintenance spankings.


If you know us pretty well, you know that my husband and I really were never been maintenance spanking "fans" for lack of a better word. You can read about my husband and I's views on it here, and also learn about what maintenance spankings are if you are new to DD, and/or are unfamiliar with them.  


This past week we were getting ready to go to bed when, out of nowhere, my husband said he wanted to talk about maintenance spankings. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled. I guess his views on it were starting to change, yet mine were pretty firm in the fact that I did not like the idea. After all, I hadn't broken the rules in forever, so I didn't quite understand why I had to get spanked.


Thankfully, my husband is awesome, and communicated his reasons behind wanting to start them pretty clearly. However, despite the fact I actually agreed with his reasons, I didn't want to do maintenance. Really, I just wanted to go to bed and pretend I didn't hear him just say he really wanted to give them a shot.


However, one thing I've been struggling with lately (and, in the past too, a little bit) is control. I've never really liked having control, but for some reason lately I've wanted it. At least a little part of it. Instead of asking my husband to do something, I started telling him to do something. I guess the best word for that is "bossy" like my husband has began calling it, but that's the truth. 


The good thing is that it just started (as in, within the past couple weeks) and it hasn't really became a problem yet which is something my husband and I agreed on. It isn't something that, thankfully, he felt needed to be addressed in the form of punishment. I guess he was giving me a chance to fix it before it escalated itself into a punishment situation. For that, I'm extremely grateful. :)


He decided a maintenance spanking would be a good idea to remind me of the rules so that, hopefully, I could continue my streak of no punishments (my goal is to make it a year. We'll see how well that goes, lol). 


So, I got spanked. My first maintenance spanking ever. Luckily it was a lot lighter and faster than a punishment spanking. But I'd totally be lying if I said it didn't sting because it did. I definitely felt it, but it was the "right level" if that makes any sense. My husband found a really good balance between everything. I was pretty impressed (although I totallllllly didn't want to tell him that at the time because I was still wanting to feel like this was the worst idea in the world).


There are a lot of different types of maintenance spankings, and I think the most common ones are weekly maintenance or something along those lines. Thankfully my husband and I agreed those just aren't for us (although, who knows, maybe he'll change his mind on that later on down the road?). Some may refer to the kind we did as reminder spankings, but really, they are one in the same. It's a spanking less severe than a punishment spanking to hopefully prevent a series of behaviors from turning into punishment spankings, and/or to remind the person of the rules so they are hopefully less likely to break them. It's as simple as that. However, although the concept sounds simple on the surface, to be honest, it was really hard for me to grasp.


It may have been the surprise element of this idea the other night, but whatever it was, I didn't handle it very well. It took a day (at least) for me to actually see that this concept really did work. I was pretty close minded to the idea at first, and I admit that. However, now that's it has been a little time, I can see that it really did work. It gave me a little "refresher course" I guess you could say on everything and as much as I don't want to admit that I needed that, I did.


So, here we go with maintenance I guess! I have to say, it's way better than punishment spankings and if it helps to reduce the number of those then maybe I really can reach my goal of not getting spanked for a year! It kinda seems like a longshot right now, but hey, a girl can dream. :)

Asking to be Spanked: Part II

  Before we get started, I need to clarify something - this is the husband of the blog author.  That's right, I'm Clint, husband of Chelsea, and she has asked me to write a post on her blog.  Since she has written a couple of terrific posts for Learning Domestic Discipline, I figured it was only fair of me to return the favor and write something for her blog as well.

  She asked me to go back on some of her posts and find one that I could offer the husband's perspective on.  There were several I considered, but I ultimately decided on writing about the topic of asking to be spanked, which she wrote about several months ago.  It's not a situation that comes up very often, but when it does, it can be a tricky one to approach/handle.  I figured I'd offer my perspective on the whole concept of the wife asking for a spanking to hopefully help those of you in this situation (or that have been in this situation before) feel a little better about doing so.

  I've talked to enough Domestic Discipline couples to understand that the biggest problem in this situation tends to be the wife's fear of insulting her husband by asking to be punished, or the fear that he may feel she is questioning his authority, or that she is "stepping on his toes", so to speak, as the decision maker and leader of the home and marriage.  After all, he is supposed to decide the punishments and when to administer them, not the wife.  Right?

  Yes, absolutely right.  While this how the Domestic Discipline dynamic operates the most effectively and efficiently, the wife still has her own thoughts, opinions, and individual perspective on the relationship, the rules, and the punishments.  She should feel comfortable sharing them with her husband in any situation.  If the whole DD dynamic of a marriage is operating effectively, the husband should be listening to his wife's concerns/issues/problems whenever she has them and whenever she feels the need to express them to him.  As such, the wife shouldn't feel as though she can't approach her husband about wanting to get spanked, or, at the very least, be held accountable in some fashion for the mistake she made that's causing her so much emotional conflict.  If she does feel this hesitation then that's a communication problem, which is a different problem entirely, and an extremely unfortunate one at that.  Perhaps addressing that is another topic for another post sometime, but we'll stay on topic here.

  I'm sure there are a handful of husbands who wouldn't appreciate their wives asking for a spanking and would feel as though she was "stepping on his toes", but to be perfectly honest with you, I've never come across one of those husbands.  I'm certainly not one of those husbands.  A husband that honestly feels that way probably has some insecurity issues, but again, that's a topic for another blog entry some other time.  This doesn't mean that those husbands aren't out there, but I think it's an irrational fear women have when considering the notion of asking their husbands to spank them.  If anything, husbands appreciate it.  I most certainly do.

  Why would a husband appreciate his wife asking him to spank her?  Well, there are a few reasons.  First - and most importantly, in my opinion - the wife asking for a spanking shows a tremendous amount of accountability and responsibility for her actions.  Do you know how many wives would NOT do something like this?  I don't have a statistical percentage or anything, but my educated guess is a lot.  So, strictly speaking for myself, I would be extremely proud of my wife for having the courage to approach me about her desire to be held accountable for something she knew was wrong, and for having the responsibility to take ownership of her actions.  I think most men would find this very honorable, which would lead to much more respect for you.

  Second, it shows your husband you "get it."  You understand the lifestyle and why you practice it.  You understand that spankings DO help you to feel better emotionally, and they DO help you become a smarter, safer, and better person.  It's such a relief to the husband when he knows his wife "gets" the bigger picture of the DD lifestyle.  This may sound silly to you, but it's the truth.  That moment is such a relief to the husband.

  Third, it takes a little pressure off of the husband.  Not much, but a little.  By the wife asking to be punished, she is illustrating that she understands why her behavior was a problem.  That saves the husband the duty of having to lecture, essentially.  She already knows what she did was wrong and she already knows she must be punished for it.  There's no pressure on the husband to lecture, and no pressure on the husband to punish for lack of cooperation from his wife when he goes to spank her.  This is her idea, so she's going to cooperate.  Again, knowing the wife will cooperate is such a relief to the husband.

  As you can see, asking for punishment is a good thing, if it's justified and if it's done with the correct intentions.  But, I do caution those of you who want to ask to be spanked to ask carefully.  There's a right way and a wrong way to do it.

Right way: "I just can't get past how bad I feel about __________ (whatever happened).  I mean, I really feel terrible honey.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I want to move past this.  I want to know that you forgive me, and I want to learn from it and put this whole thing behind us.  As much as I hate to admit it, I think a spanking would really help me to feel better about everything and would help me to move on from it.  Can you help me feel better about this?"

  This is respectful, it shows contrition, and it's done in a manner that still allows the husband to make the final decision.

Wrong way: "This is something you need to spank me for, (husband's name).  If we're going to practice DD, like we both agreed to do, then you need to step up and do your part.  I don't want to feel like I have to constantly come to you and ask you to do your part, and all the while feel like crap until you finally make a decision on whether or not to punish me.  I know this was a rule we agreed on, I know I broke it, I feel terrible about it, and I know I need to be spanked.  I want to be spanked so I feel better.  So, will you just spank me already?"

  This is condescending, a bit rude and disrespectful, and is done in a manner that isn't really allowing the husband to make the ultimate decision.  The wife is basically illustrating that if things aren't done the way she wants them to be done, then it will be an uncomfortable household for the rest of the night.  That isn't good, obviously, and not the way a healthy DD relationship works.  Also, if the husband does spank after being talked to like this (if it didn't cause an argument), it will be done resentfully.  He'll have a hollow, "let's just get through this" attitude which will make the spanking/punishment much less meaningful.

  Asking for a spanking isn't easy to do.  Discipline spankings hurt and aren't something a person generally wants done to them, so it's obviously hard to willingly ask to have that done to you.  However with that said, sometimes asking for a spanking is the right thing to do.  On top of that, doing so in a constructive way will make your husband respect you for having the courage to take accountability for your actions.  Trust me - respectfully asking for a spanking under the appropriate circumstances is most definitely a good thing.

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This is Chelsea now. I just want to give a major thank you to my husband for writing a guest post on my blog this week. I greatly appreciate it. He's the best! :-)

Stay tuned for the Weekly Roundups which will start next week, and I'll be back to "regular blogging" next week as well.

We hope everyone has an awesome holiday weekend! Stay safe!

Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mothers Day!!

Last Mothers Day I was pregnant with our son. I remember going out to breakfast with my husband and having "happy mom to be day" so to speak, and it was awesome, but I kept wondering what this Mothers Day would be like because it would be my first Mothers Day with my baby boy. 

Now, he's 10 months old, and this is my first Mothers Day. I could never, in my wildest dreams, have imagined how amazing parenting would be.

I'm beyond proud, blessed, lucky and grateful to be the mom of a perfect, amazing, smart, funny, gorgeous, and awesome baby boy. 

This Mothers Day was one of the best days of my life, behind my wedding day and the day my son was born. I've never felt more blessed or grateful in my entire life.

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms and moms to be out there. Parenting can be a hard job, but it's the most rewarding job there is. I hope you all have an awesome Mothers Day and realize just how appreciated you are for all that you do.

-Chelsea

I don't have time to get spanked.

The past few weeks have been hectic and I haven't had much time to write. My husbands work schedule is pretty much crazy at the moment, our son is extremely mobile, we're getting ready to move (hellooooooo new house on the beach!!), we're building a house, I got sick (and now I'm better), we've got a bunch of trips coming up and I could go on and on and on and on but you get the idea...we've been busy. So, with all of that, I'm sorry for my lack of ability to write.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on who you ask or how you think about it, DD doesn't really disappear during those times when life gets extremely busy. 

Because our life is so busy lately, fortunately or unfortunately (depending on who you ask, and how you think about it) if I make a mistake/break a rule, I haven't been getting a "major spanking". I have, however, been getting these "nightly reminder spankings". The point, I guess, is to remind me that I'm still in trouble, he hasn't forgot, and when our life settles down just for a moment, I'll get spanked. 

At first, his concept of "nightly reminder spankings" seemed like a really dumb idea. Just spank me and get it over with, right? However, as the nightly reminder spankings became more real, I realized that maybe it isn't so bad. The concept of it is actually pretty effective, even though it sucks to admit sometimes that my husband was right and I was wrong.

Thankfully I have been following the rules pretty well lately though! Well, at least I think so. There was that one time (or two times..) when I left my hair straightener on for like 4 hours and almost burnt down the house. But hey, aside from that, I've been an angel. :) 

So, after like 4 nights of him doing "nightly reminder spankings" and "cracking down to enforce the rules", I've definitely learned not to leave my straightener on for several hours. 

If your life is getting hectic (like mine), there are alternates to making sure that DD doesn't have to take a back seat. Just ask my husband, he seems to have no trouble at all finding ways around it. :)

And now for my random sentences...

Thank you to everyone who wished me happy birthday yesterday!! I really appreciate it! 


Yesterday (on my birthday!!) my son said "mama" for the first time. Not only did he say it once, twice, three, four times but he wouldn't stop saying it and he's currently been saying it all morning. I have to say, it is the best feeling in he world. 


Friday nights (that is tonight everyone!) are the Ladies Night chats in the LDD Social Network. It starts about 9pm eastern time, but feel free to pop in whenever, if you are a girl. :) We'd love to see you there! And, if you're not a girl..don't worry, there are men chat nights occasionally also. :)

At some point next week, I'll be doing a "Weekly Roundup" of the best DD blogs and blog entries on random topics. If there's anyone you'd like to nominate, please email it to me .


Have a FANTASTIC weekend everyone! Happy Cinco de Mayo tomorrow. We'll be celebrating with a giant rib cookout. How non-Mexican, right? Yeah..probably should have thought that one through a little more. 


-Chelsea