Hey everyone,
This is the second installment of my FAQ post "series" (for lack of a better term). I'm planning on one more entry (probably) so if you have a question you want answered, email it to me and I might feature it.
Why is crying during/after a spanking important?
I feel that some sort of emotional release at some point in the spanking process (before, during, or after) is important because it's just that- an emotional release. To be perfectly honest though, crying or showing emotion is something I've struggled with. It's not because the spanking doesn't hurt (yeah, definitely not because of that..) but it's more like some mental game I created to see how tough I really am (this is bad advice everyone..so don't take it. I'm just sharing what I do). So this is something I'm still working towards. Therefore, it's a hard question for me to answer fully. But, my general opinion on the subject is that if you cry, it's more of an emotional release. I also think it helps you to feel forgiven and more forward in a more constructive, and easier manner.
My husband refuses to rub my bottom before, during, or after a spanking. How can I get him to start doing that?
Short answer- Mine doesn't either. So, when you figure out something that works let me know!
In all seriousness though, I don't know. I've gotten this question quite a bit over the past few months (the topic of rubbing/massaging/etc seems to be a popular one) but the honest to God answer is I don't know. My husband occasionally will rub it like HOURS (or the next day..) after a spanking, but aside from that, he doesn't rub it at all. He also won't let me rub it (which is extremely hard not to do...extremely). I haven't yet found the perfect piece of advice to answer this question, but when I do, I'll post it here!
Do you read any spanking fiction stories? Which ones/sites are your favorite?
I don't read any. I've seen some of them (on Lulu, and other sites such as that) but I haven't ever bought, or read one. In the future, I might..but up until this point I haven't. I have nothing against them though.
Is it uncomfortable for you to talk about DD "in real life" out in public or with your friends? Is it uncomfortable to have "real life" friends who practice DD?
No, and no. At first it was kind of awkward to face-to-face talk with another person about an intimate/controversal/sensitive/opinionated topic like domestic discipline. But, over time I just kind of got used to it. Having friends "in real life" that practice domestic discipline is extremely beneficial, I think (for a lot of reasons). I feel fortunate to know so many people that practice, and they're all amazing. Up until this day, I've only come across 1 person "in the lifestyle" (and, I don't know her personally..) who I've had a bad experience with.
I'm single. Do you have any ideas on where I could meet someone to enter a domestic discipline relationship with?
I'm a pretty strong believer that the relationship should not be founded on domestic discipline. So, I think looking on designated domestic discipline personals sites may not be the best idea. There's nothing wrong with those sites, but I just think that getting a solid foundation of your relationship down prior to introducing, or talking about domestic discipline, would ensure better results long-term.
So, my advice would be to meet a girl/guy outside of the "DD world" and then, once your relationship is more established and you both feel like a long-term and more committed relationship is in the near future, then bring up domestic discipline (for more ideas on how to do that, click here) and go from there.
I'm married, but my spouse refuses to try domestic discipline. However, I feel it would really help me. Would it be wrong of me to seek out someone to punish me (or, for me to punish them) outside our marriage? If so, where would you recommend looking?
I've gotten both types of questions- "I want to take on a 'mentoring' role and punish someone (or help someone) outside my marriage because my wife isn't ok with DD" and "My husband refuses to try DD but I think it would help my behavior" so I thought I'd answer both in the same response because my answer is similar for each of them.
Short answer- I wouldn't recommend that.
Longer answer- Domestic discipline, to me, is different than having a "mentor" or mentoring someone (not that there's anything wrong with that). So when you use the term "I want domestic discipline" I really feel that's only something that can be achieved between two people in a committed relationship, or a marriage. I think seeking someone else to fufill that within your marriage would probably really piss your spouse off. If he doesn't want to punish his wife, the chances of him wanting someone else (especially someone he doesn't know) doing it are very slim and if your wife doesn't want you punishing her the chances of her wanting you to punish someone else (especially someone she doesn't know) are very slim. It's too intimate to have someone else "take over the role" in my opinion.
Now, IF by some miracle, your spouse IS ok with it, then I would recommend involving him/her in the process and talk with him/her about what they are, and aren't comfortable with. I think that's crucial. As far as where to look, I honestly don't know. I know there are some spanking personal sites (SpankFinder and Spanko are the only two I've ever heard of, but I'm sure there's dozens more if you google it) that might help you out.
The bottom line though is this isn't something I'd recommend at all. It's too "dangerous" for your marriage.
I hope everyone is having a great week!
-Chelsea
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Part 1: FAQ
Happy New Year everyone!
Sorry I've been out of the blogging loop for a little bit. I took some time off to be with my family for the holidays. It was our sons first Christmas so between all the Christmas festivities for him, family dinners, Christmas shopping..all that fun stuff, I haven't had much time for anything else. But, things have finally been settling down so- I'm back!
Before I get started, I wanted to let everyone know that I'm on Twitter now! You can follow me by clicking here. :)
I've gotten a lot of emails, blog comments, you name it over the past few months and a lot of them are really repetitive (which is fine..) so I thought I'd answer some of the most frequently asked questions in a 2 (maybe 3..) part blog series so that hopefully if one of these is a question you've had, now you know the answer!
My husband isn't consistent enough with the rules/punishments. He seems to get on "kicks" where he really cracks down, and then other times he lets everything go. How can I get him to pick one or the other?
This is an extremely common problem. I call this "consistently inconsistent". I think it's a problem that can be frustrating for both people involved, and it's something that can have pretty toxic results long term if not corrected quickly.
I really don't know why men do this (guys, anyone out there want to help me out with this one?) but it seems like every HoH at one point or another has went down this road for some length of time and to some degree. The problem with it is it begins to train the woman's brain as to what behaviors will get her in trouble, and what behaviors won't when the man "cracks down" on the rules. Then, when he lets up all that "brain training" (for lack of a better term) goes out the window. Then, it becomes a difficult process.
If your husband is suffering from the "consistently inconsistent" syndrome (as I call it) the best thing to do is communicate. I feel like often times that's the answer to a lot of DD related problems, and it sounds cliche, but it's once again true in this scenario as well. Let him know how it, psychologically speaking, is really confusing for you. After your talk, I recommend you both sit down and rewrite your rule list. If he's relaxing on some of the rules, maybe he feels those aren't as important right now as some others. I also think "target rules" are a good thing to get your husband back on the consistent track. "Target rules" are a group of rules (not a lot..like 2-4) that the husband feels need extra attention. Instead of cracking down on ALL the rules, then lightening up on ALL the rules (which will make the wife confused, among other things) the "target rules" are what should be adjusted. For example.. things like respect, honesty, obeying, not doing anything dangerous, etc. are rules that should always be in place with the same level of consistency. However, "target rules" would be something like procrastination. It's something that's always wrong to do, but once the wife begins to not procrastinate anymore, the rule can be eased up on because it's, essentially, fixed.
The bottom line is I think, for husbands/HoH's, instead of taking ALL the rules and changing the consistency (especially so frequency), it's better to break them into "solid rules" and "target rules". I also think it's important for husbands/HoH's to understand why consistency is so important to women (and, to everyone really, just in a different sense) and how frustrating and damaging it can be when the consistency lacks. This will most likely only come from you communicating it to your husband.
Do you ever resent or feel angry towards your husband for punishing you?
Short answer: no.
Long answer: I think anger is an emotion or feeling that is best left out of domestic discipline on both sides. It will only lead to negative results. There have been times (actually, only once that I can think of..) where I haven't agreed with the punishment or with his reasoning and I've felt frustrated, but I've never felt angry. I guess anger just isn't an emotion that I regularly feel. Before I get punished I'm usually upset (with myself for breaking the rule, usually) but I'm grateful that my husband handles punishment situations in, what I consider to be, a good manner and I'm relieved when it's all over with. I, in no way, resent him for caring enough, or for loving me. :)
Why are you so open about DD?
Because I don't feel it's wrong. However, let me say that I think it's FINE that some are very private about DD. I think it's just a matter of personal preference, and I respect everyones right to be as open, or as closed, as they want about it.
Would I go up to some random stranger on the street and be like "wow, you need DD! Here's what it is ____" ? No probably not. But, if someone flat out asked me if I practiced it, I'd answer honestly. If someone wanted to know more about it, I'd gladly share my experience and advice with them. I've talked to strangers about it before (I really need to tell my hair salon story at some point!) and it's came up in many different situations, with many different people. Sometimes it's uncomfortable, but I've learned how to deal with it the best I can. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what DD really entails, what really goes into DD, and the feelings, emotions, thought processes, actions, dynamics, relationships, etc. that it's built on. I've come to the conclusion that I honest to God don't see anything wrong with domestic discipline (if practiced correctly) and so, because of that, I'm open to sharing it with everyone. This may come back to bite me in the butt sometime in the future and I'm ok with that. I guess it just goes back to standing up for what you believe in. I believe DD works.
Are you planning to write a book?
I was actually just talking with my husband about this the other day! The short answer is basically yes, but when it will be available and what (specifically) it will be about is still in the works. I'd like to have something out by spring time, but I need to finalize the details first. If anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears!
What are your thoughts on practicing domestic discipline while pregnant? Did you practice domestic discipline while pregnant?
To start with, I really think this is one of those domestic discipline topics that is so situationally based, and individually based, that I can't give a broad answer like "yes, it's fine" or "no, it isn't".
Domestic discipline as a whole, I think is fine to practice while pregnant because domestic discipline is defined as so much more then spanking. Other punishments (grounding, corner time, lectures, etc) wouldn't have any effect on the pregnancy itself, and the other aspects of domestic discipline (following the rules, bonding with your spouse, the emotional connections, etc) obviously don't have any effect either. The only thing I think that does is spanking.
So, like I said, when it comes to domestic discipline excluding spanking, I think it's fine to continue on like normal during pregnancy. But, when you include spanking, then it makes it harder to say a broad yes or no answer. In general though, I will say that I've heard of (and experienced..) some variations of spanking (implement changes, etc.) that make it so it is ok to spank while pregnant, but those obviously depend so much on the couple and what "level" (beginner, etc.) of DD that they're practicing that it is too hard to say without looking at each individual circumstance.
My husband and I don't turn off, and on, domestic discipline. So yes, we still practiced during my pregnancy but we made some changes when it came to the spanking aspect, specfically. My husband researched it pretty thoroughly before coming to the conclusion that, for us, spanking was still ok to do (although differently..) and I would encourage other husbands to do the same before making the decision to, or to not, spank while pregnant.
Part 2 will be up next week!
-Chelsea
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year everyone!!!
We hope everyone has a safe New Years Eve and a wonderful 2012!!!
Love,
Chelsea and family
(also- I'll get caught up on answering everyones emails and comments by Monday, hopefully!)
(also- I'll get caught up on answering everyones emails and comments by Monday, hopefully!)
Saturday, December 17, 2011
2011 Recap!
I can't believe this year is coming to an end already!
In 2011, I....
*Had a baby! My gorgeous son was born in July of 2011 and he is perfect. I had no idea I could love someone that much.
*Moved across the country. With an infant.
*Got spanked (probably more than in 2010, come to think of it).
*Started this blog. :)
*Bought a house (and then walked through the Worlds Largest Furniture Store to furnish it). And yes, it literally was the worlds largest.
*Had to give away our dogs (because of the move). One of the hardest things i've had to do in a long time, but they went to an amazing family, and we keep in touch.
*Realized the true definition of family, and loyalty.
*Started watching X-Factor (go Josh!)
*Learned how to make Thai food!
*Got a new car (that I totally love).
*Went through boot camp (again).
*Celebrated our adorable niece's first birthday.
*Followed the Casey Anthony trial from beginning to end and was extremely pissed and disappointed with the final verdict.
*Helped my husband write a book!
*Introduced a random stranger at my hair salon to DD.
*Painted my toe nails with pink sharpie markers thinking it would be a good form of "everlasting nail polish". Awful, awful, awful idea. Don't try it.
*Realized the importance of crying during a spanking, and the importance of fearing one.
*Experienced silent spanking for the first time (and how much it sucked).
*Celebrated my husband and I's 4-year anniversary and was reaffirmed, yet again, how amazing he is.
*Went to Las Vegas!
*Realized how much I used to take sleep for granted!
*Started the DD Social Network and met some amazing people.
*Got to meet another amazing blogger, Rogue and her husband! Talk about amazingly sweet people.
*Went on a road trip that took 5 days, over 2,500 miles, a few amazing stops, and lots of awesome memories.
*Discovered that I'm highly addicted to eBay.
*Saw U2 in concert and it was probably the best concert I've ever been to. They were amazing.
*Realized how blessed I am.
From my family to yours, happy holidays! We hope you all had a happy 2011 and a wonderful, safe, and blessed 2012!
In 2011, I....
*Had a baby! My gorgeous son was born in July of 2011 and he is perfect. I had no idea I could love someone that much.
*Moved across the country. With an infant.
*Got spanked (probably more than in 2010, come to think of it).
*Started this blog. :)
*Bought a house (and then walked through the Worlds Largest Furniture Store to furnish it). And yes, it literally was the worlds largest.
*Had to give away our dogs (because of the move). One of the hardest things i've had to do in a long time, but they went to an amazing family, and we keep in touch.
*Realized the true definition of family, and loyalty.
*Started watching X-Factor (go Josh!)
*Learned how to make Thai food!
*Got a new car (that I totally love).
*Went through boot camp (again).
*Celebrated our adorable niece's first birthday.
*Followed the Casey Anthony trial from beginning to end and was extremely pissed and disappointed with the final verdict.
*Helped my husband write a book!
*Introduced a random stranger at my hair salon to DD.
*Painted my toe nails with pink sharpie markers thinking it would be a good form of "everlasting nail polish". Awful, awful, awful idea. Don't try it.
*Realized the importance of crying during a spanking, and the importance of fearing one.
*Experienced silent spanking for the first time (and how much it sucked).
*Celebrated my husband and I's 4-year anniversary and was reaffirmed, yet again, how amazing he is.
*Went to Las Vegas!
*Realized how much I used to take sleep for granted!
*Started the DD Social Network and met some amazing people.
*Got to meet another amazing blogger, Rogue and her husband! Talk about amazingly sweet people.
*Went on a road trip that took 5 days, over 2,500 miles, a few amazing stops, and lots of awesome memories.
*Discovered that I'm highly addicted to eBay.
*Saw U2 in concert and it was probably the best concert I've ever been to. They were amazing.
*Realized how blessed I am.
From my family to yours, happy holidays! We hope you all had a happy 2011 and a wonderful, safe, and blessed 2012!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Disagreeing With Punishment
What do you do when your husband deals out a punishment that you deem is totally unfair?
This topic seems to come up at least once (often more) in almost every marriage where DD is practiced. It's happened to me, and although it doesn't happen often, when it does- it can be hard to deal with.
First things first, there are about a billion wrong ways to handle the situation. There may not be a clear "right way", but I guarantee you there are a LOT of wrong ways. Things like accepting the punishment then giving your husband the cold shoulder for a week afterwards isn't going to solve anything. Either is completely lashing out, and making the situation worse.
So, should you "obey", and cooperate when your husband hands out a punishment that you don't agree with? Well, here's my take.
Do you not agree with it because...
It's unfair? If so, examine why it's unfair. The example I've seen the most of in this case is the husband will randomly create a new rule out of the blue, then punish for it. For instance, the wife is out shopping, and comes home at 7pm. The husband is irritated she was gone all day, but said nothing to her about it until she walks in the door. When she does, he tells her the new rule is she has to be home by dinner every night, and since she wasn't, she's getting punished. This then gives her no sort of warning, and she had no idea until it was too late. Is punishing fair? Probably not.
That's just one example of the "it's not fair!" reason, but the husband creating rules out of the blue is something that can happen, and often leads to these "I think the punishment is unfair" scenarios.
In this case, like in most others I'm going to discuss, it's going to be all about communication. Your husband needs to know why you feel the punishment is unfair. The tricky part here is whether to do it before the punishment (which will likely cause some sort of argument, since it can be construed as you trying to get out of the punishment) or after the punishment (which would also not be great because you just got punished for something you dont believe is fair, so your attitude towards him probably won't be the most respectful).
In this circumstance, I would recommend handling the situation before any sort of punishment is taken care of. Your husband should listen to you before hand (always, not just in these "I don't agree.." circumstances).
The punishment is something you're against? If you and your husband haven't discussed "limits" you need to do so. However, I'd recommend not doing so right after you break a rule, because then it perceives that you're just trying to get out of a punishment. For instance, if your husband believes you should be spanked with a belt and all the sudden you decide "wow, that sounds really crappy." and proclaim you're completely against being spanked with a belt, that probably isn't going to fly. So, anything you're profoundly against needs to be stated well in advance. For instance, in our marriage, I would never "submit" (not a big fan of the word, but not sure what else to call it. Cooperate, maybe?) if my husband used something like diapers as punishment, and I'm also completely against things like whips, and restraints (I have my reasons. Don't ask me why). I explained to him why, he understood, and thus, those things aren't "on the table" when punishing comes around. However, IF I were to break a rule and my husband would think spanking with a whip was necessary (for instance) we'd probably have a pretty big problem.
In a situation where your husband attempts to dole out a punishment that you have made it known in the past you were against, I would definitely talk to him about it BEFORE the punishment takes place. Your husband should always respect your limits (and vice versa). When explaining your limits, it's important that you have some sort of valid reason behind them. They don't have to be valid to the rest of the world, but they need to be valid, and understood, between you and your spouse.
You believe it's too harsh? Your husband isn't perfect, and neither are you. Almost every husband, at some point, will think give (or, attempt to) a punishment that is too harsh. This usually happens if your husband hasn't taken time to calm down before deciding on a punishment. If he hands out a punishment while he's overly upset, chances are, it will be worse than when he's calm. Some punishments are just downright unreasonable (for example- being grounded for a year, or a 1,000 swat spanking) so if your husband is handing out punishments like that, that is a whole different issue to address. Also, if he hands out ridiculously harsh punishments on a regular basis, that's also a different issue.
But, in general, if you feel your husband overreacted in terms of punishment, I would recommend you give him some time to calm down and reevaluate the situation once his emotions are a little more in check. The best way to do that is to have some sort of rule in place (ideally prior to you breaking a rule even occurs) that says something to the effect of he won't hand out any punishments while he's angry. If that means he has to wait an hour (or, another predetermined time frame) from when the offense occured (or when he found out about it) to decide your punishment, then so be it. Or, if it just means he needs to take a few minutes to think about it, fine. But, if it's a severe offense, and it's something that really got him fired up, he needs to not make any decisions while angry AND not hand out any punishments while angry because it's not fair to either of you.
Then, once he's all calm, if you still feel the punishment is too harsh, explain to him why but be prepared to have reasons.
Keep in mind...
When disagreeing with your punishment, I feel it's important to keep the following things in mind:
1) There's a chance that your punishment will still "stand". You need to be prepared for that. If that happens, attempt to continue to communicate your feelings afterwards, rather than continually push the issue before hand.
2) Communication is key. Ideally, it should always happen BEFORE the punishment takes place.
3) You need to have reasons and "because I don't like it" isn't a valid one, by the way (at least to 99% of the HoH's out there). Before you approach your spouse about disagreeing with your punishment, be prepared to back up WHY you disagree with it.
4) It's crucially important that, while talking to your husband about this, it does NOT come across as you just trying to avoid getting in trouble, or getting out of taking responsibility. You need to take extra caution to ensure that doesn't happen.
5) Part of DD is "break a rule, deal with the consequences" so to speak. So, if you "just don't feel like" getting spanked, and decide you're going to flat out agree with it just based on those reasons, you really need to reevaluate DD. No one wants to get spanked. But, don't break the rules, don't get in trouble. It's simple (although sometimes easier said than done, I definitely understand that).
6) If you find yourself disagreeing with your punishments often, you really need to sit down with your spouse (after you identitfy why that is that you're disagreeing a lot) and talk things out. Maybe it means changing the rules, setting new limits, etc. Whatever it is, COMMUNICATE about it. Communication is definitely key.
and finally..
7) Husbands- if your wives come to you and disagree with their punishments, hear them out. Whether you end up changing your mind in the end or not is your own decision, but at least hear them out. The last thing you want is your wife to be afraid to come to you because she's afraid how you'll react.
(Oh, and on a totally unrelated note, my absolutely GORGEOUS son turned 5 MONTHS OLD today!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, he can sit up completely, 100% by himself. Just thought you all would like to know, lol).
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
This topic seems to come up at least once (often more) in almost every marriage where DD is practiced. It's happened to me, and although it doesn't happen often, when it does- it can be hard to deal with.
First things first, there are about a billion wrong ways to handle the situation. There may not be a clear "right way", but I guarantee you there are a LOT of wrong ways. Things like accepting the punishment then giving your husband the cold shoulder for a week afterwards isn't going to solve anything. Either is completely lashing out, and making the situation worse.
So, should you "obey", and cooperate when your husband hands out a punishment that you don't agree with? Well, here's my take.
Do you not agree with it because...
It's unfair? If so, examine why it's unfair. The example I've seen the most of in this case is the husband will randomly create a new rule out of the blue, then punish for it. For instance, the wife is out shopping, and comes home at 7pm. The husband is irritated she was gone all day, but said nothing to her about it until she walks in the door. When she does, he tells her the new rule is she has to be home by dinner every night, and since she wasn't, she's getting punished. This then gives her no sort of warning, and she had no idea until it was too late. Is punishing fair? Probably not.
That's just one example of the "it's not fair!" reason, but the husband creating rules out of the blue is something that can happen, and often leads to these "I think the punishment is unfair" scenarios.
In this case, like in most others I'm going to discuss, it's going to be all about communication. Your husband needs to know why you feel the punishment is unfair. The tricky part here is whether to do it before the punishment (which will likely cause some sort of argument, since it can be construed as you trying to get out of the punishment) or after the punishment (which would also not be great because you just got punished for something you dont believe is fair, so your attitude towards him probably won't be the most respectful).
In this circumstance, I would recommend handling the situation before any sort of punishment is taken care of. Your husband should listen to you before hand (always, not just in these "I don't agree.." circumstances).
The punishment is something you're against? If you and your husband haven't discussed "limits" you need to do so. However, I'd recommend not doing so right after you break a rule, because then it perceives that you're just trying to get out of a punishment. For instance, if your husband believes you should be spanked with a belt and all the sudden you decide "wow, that sounds really crappy." and proclaim you're completely against being spanked with a belt, that probably isn't going to fly. So, anything you're profoundly against needs to be stated well in advance. For instance, in our marriage, I would never "submit" (not a big fan of the word, but not sure what else to call it. Cooperate, maybe?) if my husband used something like diapers as punishment, and I'm also completely against things like whips, and restraints (I have my reasons. Don't ask me why). I explained to him why, he understood, and thus, those things aren't "on the table" when punishing comes around. However, IF I were to break a rule and my husband would think spanking with a whip was necessary (for instance) we'd probably have a pretty big problem.
In a situation where your husband attempts to dole out a punishment that you have made it known in the past you were against, I would definitely talk to him about it BEFORE the punishment takes place. Your husband should always respect your limits (and vice versa). When explaining your limits, it's important that you have some sort of valid reason behind them. They don't have to be valid to the rest of the world, but they need to be valid, and understood, between you and your spouse.
You believe it's too harsh? Your husband isn't perfect, and neither are you. Almost every husband, at some point, will think give (or, attempt to) a punishment that is too harsh. This usually happens if your husband hasn't taken time to calm down before deciding on a punishment. If he hands out a punishment while he's overly upset, chances are, it will be worse than when he's calm. Some punishments are just downright unreasonable (for example- being grounded for a year, or a 1,000 swat spanking) so if your husband is handing out punishments like that, that is a whole different issue to address. Also, if he hands out ridiculously harsh punishments on a regular basis, that's also a different issue.
But, in general, if you feel your husband overreacted in terms of punishment, I would recommend you give him some time to calm down and reevaluate the situation once his emotions are a little more in check. The best way to do that is to have some sort of rule in place (ideally prior to you breaking a rule even occurs) that says something to the effect of he won't hand out any punishments while he's angry. If that means he has to wait an hour (or, another predetermined time frame) from when the offense occured (or when he found out about it) to decide your punishment, then so be it. Or, if it just means he needs to take a few minutes to think about it, fine. But, if it's a severe offense, and it's something that really got him fired up, he needs to not make any decisions while angry AND not hand out any punishments while angry because it's not fair to either of you.
Then, once he's all calm, if you still feel the punishment is too harsh, explain to him why but be prepared to have reasons.
Keep in mind...
When disagreeing with your punishment, I feel it's important to keep the following things in mind:
1) There's a chance that your punishment will still "stand". You need to be prepared for that. If that happens, attempt to continue to communicate your feelings afterwards, rather than continually push the issue before hand.
2) Communication is key. Ideally, it should always happen BEFORE the punishment takes place.
3) You need to have reasons and "because I don't like it" isn't a valid one, by the way (at least to 99% of the HoH's out there). Before you approach your spouse about disagreeing with your punishment, be prepared to back up WHY you disagree with it.
4) It's crucially important that, while talking to your husband about this, it does NOT come across as you just trying to avoid getting in trouble, or getting out of taking responsibility. You need to take extra caution to ensure that doesn't happen.
5) Part of DD is "break a rule, deal with the consequences" so to speak. So, if you "just don't feel like" getting spanked, and decide you're going to flat out agree with it just based on those reasons, you really need to reevaluate DD. No one wants to get spanked. But, don't break the rules, don't get in trouble. It's simple (although sometimes easier said than done, I definitely understand that).
6) If you find yourself disagreeing with your punishments often, you really need to sit down with your spouse (after you identitfy why that is that you're disagreeing a lot) and talk things out. Maybe it means changing the rules, setting new limits, etc. Whatever it is, COMMUNICATE about it. Communication is definitely key.
and finally..
7) Husbands- if your wives come to you and disagree with their punishments, hear them out. Whether you end up changing your mind in the end or not is your own decision, but at least hear them out. The last thing you want is your wife to be afraid to come to you because she's afraid how you'll react.
(Oh, and on a totally unrelated note, my absolutely GORGEOUS son turned 5 MONTHS OLD today!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, he can sit up completely, 100% by himself. Just thought you all would like to know, lol).
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Fearing a Spanking
I used to not fear spankings. I've never liked them (at all) but I didn't fear them. When I heard "you're getting a spanking", my immediate reaction was just "understandable. Let's do this". But the "let's do this"' line began to translate into "not taking DD seriously", and "not caring" very quickly. My nonchalant attitude about it quickly morphed into a "whatever" one. Despite the fact I definitely didn't want to be spanked, I had developed quite the habit of blocking it out, and immediately focusing on everything I needed to do once it was over, the weather, what I wanted to make for dinner, etc. When at a decision crossroads, instead of picking the decision that was the best, and wouldn't get me in trouble, the trouble aspect never crossed my mind because I figured "well, if I get in trouble, I'll be ok". Needless to say, this was a problem.
I didn't want to fear spankings. I wanted to be tough. I wanted to be invincible. I wanted to be the wife that just accepts the punishment and moves on without even looking back.
But then something changed. Then I realized that it's ok to fear spankings and that there is a way to fear the spanking without fearing your husband. There's a way to make this a healthy fear, and not a paralyzing one. I realized it's ok.
Truth be told, every spanking my husband has ever given me has hurt to some degree. This isn't about pain. Some of my most severe spankings, pain wise, haven't made me fear spanking and while they did change that specific behavior, they didn't change my behavior overall. What I mean by that is this- say I get spanked (pretty severely, at that) for texting while driving. The chances of me texting while driving again anytime in the near future are very slim, to none. But the chances of me making another mistake in the near future that could potentially earn me a spanking are very high. Why that is is just simply because I didn't fear it like I should have.
Then one day, something changed. I had done something wrong and a spanking was justified. As I was heading to our bedroom, I remember thinking "well this sucks, so let's just get this over with because I need to finish putting away the laundry, packing, and making my shopping list". It was like well, in the midst of everything else I need to do today, let's just add spanking onto it.
"This spanking is going to be a bit different, dear. Not because the offense is necessarily more serious than others, but because I think you've became immune to how we currently spank".
Different? Wtf does "different" mean? And "immune"? Give me a break. I can still FEEL them.
But, like every other spanking, I cooperated. Thankfully, "different" didnt mean some kind of whips and chains stuff, and "immune" just meant I was so used to how we spanked, the ritual, the severities, the "breaks", the entire process that I just began to block it out.
By the end of my "new spanking", the pain was about the same. But the feeling was different. I felt more obedient, I felt more loved, I felt more apologetic. I felt like I actually cared! Because I did actually care. I cared a lot that I got spanked that afternoon, and all the sudden, that spanking didn't just seem like another item to check off on the to do list for the day. My entire attitude changed.
Now, I fear spankings. When I hear the threat of "if it happens again, you'll be spanked" I immediately shape up and when I hear "you're getting spanked", I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. But, despite all the fear I have of being spanked, I dont fear my husband. And that's why I consider this a healthy fear. I fear the spankings enough to where I do everything I can to avoid them. I think about them before I make a decision. They have an impact on me. Yet, I don't fear my husband when he comes towards me. When he's mad, as long as the word spanking isn't anywhere in the sentence, I'm good. And when he talks to me, I'm able to listen without fear.
Fear in a domestic discipline marriage is not bad. Without fear of the punishment, very little stops you from committing the offense. If you look at it differently- if you don't care about jail, you think it's no big deal, and it has little to no effect on your life, what's stopping you from stealing that shirt at the mall? If you don't fear getting a traffic ticket, what's stopping you from going that 10 mph over the speed limit every day? If you don't fear getting burned, then why do you use oven mitts to get things out of the oven?
The bottom line is that if you don't fear spankings, you have a lesser deterrent to follow the rules. If you've became immune to spankings, they're slowly becoming ineffective.
Fearing punishments in a DD marriage is almost a good thing I've learned. As long as you know when this fear is healthy, and when it isn't.
Chels
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I didn't want to fear spankings. I wanted to be tough. I wanted to be invincible. I wanted to be the wife that just accepts the punishment and moves on without even looking back.
But then something changed. Then I realized that it's ok to fear spankings and that there is a way to fear the spanking without fearing your husband. There's a way to make this a healthy fear, and not a paralyzing one. I realized it's ok.
Truth be told, every spanking my husband has ever given me has hurt to some degree. This isn't about pain. Some of my most severe spankings, pain wise, haven't made me fear spanking and while they did change that specific behavior, they didn't change my behavior overall. What I mean by that is this- say I get spanked (pretty severely, at that) for texting while driving. The chances of me texting while driving again anytime in the near future are very slim, to none. But the chances of me making another mistake in the near future that could potentially earn me a spanking are very high. Why that is is just simply because I didn't fear it like I should have.
Then one day, something changed. I had done something wrong and a spanking was justified. As I was heading to our bedroom, I remember thinking "well this sucks, so let's just get this over with because I need to finish putting away the laundry, packing, and making my shopping list". It was like well, in the midst of everything else I need to do today, let's just add spanking onto it.
"This spanking is going to be a bit different, dear. Not because the offense is necessarily more serious than others, but because I think you've became immune to how we currently spank".
Different? Wtf does "different" mean? And "immune"? Give me a break. I can still FEEL them.
But, like every other spanking, I cooperated. Thankfully, "different" didnt mean some kind of whips and chains stuff, and "immune" just meant I was so used to how we spanked, the ritual, the severities, the "breaks", the entire process that I just began to block it out.
By the end of my "new spanking", the pain was about the same. But the feeling was different. I felt more obedient, I felt more loved, I felt more apologetic. I felt like I actually cared! Because I did actually care. I cared a lot that I got spanked that afternoon, and all the sudden, that spanking didn't just seem like another item to check off on the to do list for the day. My entire attitude changed.
Now, I fear spankings. When I hear the threat of "if it happens again, you'll be spanked" I immediately shape up and when I hear "you're getting spanked", I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. But, despite all the fear I have of being spanked, I dont fear my husband. And that's why I consider this a healthy fear. I fear the spankings enough to where I do everything I can to avoid them. I think about them before I make a decision. They have an impact on me. Yet, I don't fear my husband when he comes towards me. When he's mad, as long as the word spanking isn't anywhere in the sentence, I'm good. And when he talks to me, I'm able to listen without fear.
Fear in a domestic discipline marriage is not bad. Without fear of the punishment, very little stops you from committing the offense. If you look at it differently- if you don't care about jail, you think it's no big deal, and it has little to no effect on your life, what's stopping you from stealing that shirt at the mall? If you don't fear getting a traffic ticket, what's stopping you from going that 10 mph over the speed limit every day? If you don't fear getting burned, then why do you use oven mitts to get things out of the oven?
The bottom line is that if you don't fear spankings, you have a lesser deterrent to follow the rules. If you've became immune to spankings, they're slowly becoming ineffective.
Fearing punishments in a DD marriage is almost a good thing I've learned. As long as you know when this fear is healthy, and when it isn't.
Chels
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, December 1, 2011
It's never too late.
Since this blog is a mix of things (from a journal, to giving advice, to everything in between) I want to post about something. This blog is actually dedicated to someone in particular, but still, I hope everyone gets something from it.
Dear J,
I'm an extremely easy person to talk to. If you don't take anything else away from this entry, please know this: honesty will get you further in life then anything else. There's never a moment where it's "too late" to be honest.
From the beginning when I was introduced to you, I thought you were cool. I didn't have a problem with you. Despite what you may think, I don't blame you for inquiring so much about DD so that hopefully, when you're in a relationship one day, you learn something from what you've asked me, and what you've been given about DD.
The real you that I got to know was a lot better then the 4 (at least, and that I know of) "fake" you's that I've experienced over the last few months. It is NOT too late to change. It's NOT too late to come to me and just admit that the lying, manipulative, backstabbing.. (I could go on and on) behavior you've shown towards me, and others, was wrong.
I won't judge you for it. I won't even ask any questions. I will help you "re-intergrate" into the networks of people you've lied to and deceived. I promise. Just PLEASE be honest and cut the "hi my name is so and so" crap. Please. Because not only can I not take it any more, but its not fair to me to make me sit here and pretend i have no idea what's going on.
I've went through a range of emotions about this. I've been sad that someone would deceive me like that. I've been pissed off that someone would completely insult my intelligence by thinking that all the false identities you assume aren't really you. Ive been hurt that I was lied to. I've been through them all, and more. But what I've taken from this is that forgiveness, no matter who it's from or what happened, is the strongest thing you can do.
J, I'm giving you a chance that I don't have to give you. I could "out" you to everyone you've been lying to. I'm choosing to help you and to forgive you. Please, give me that chance. Please just be honest with me. Please trust me that I won't judge you, I won't even ask any questions. Just be honest.
If you choose to totally ignore this, that's fine. However, in 4 day (on Sunday the 4th) if i haven't heard anything from you, it's going to show me that you have zero intent on ever changing this crap, apologizing, or taking any sort of step to make it right. At that time, you're kinda leaving me no choice but to delete, block, suspend or remove all your accounts that I can, as well as completely block the multiple IP addresses you use and take every single effort in the world to ensure you can never, ever do this again. Please don't make me do that. I'm reaching out to you, and I'm offering to help. I'm offering you a chance to make this right with me. It can stay between us.
You know how to reach me (email is probably best. Just click "contact me"). It's never too late to be honest. Please, let me help you.
Chelsea
------------
This blog may be directed towards one person, but it is written for everyone. Forgiveness is a powerful tool and honesty is a powerful trait. It can be hard to forgive someone (trust me, I'm aware) and it takes time. There are also circumstances when it can be hard to be honest and I understand that. But it's never too late to forgive someone, or be honest with someone.
This blog may not have any meaning whatsoever for some of you and that's fine. But I wanted to post it because it's my way of publicly reaching out to someone who really needs it. It's never too late.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Dear J,
I'm an extremely easy person to talk to. If you don't take anything else away from this entry, please know this: honesty will get you further in life then anything else. There's never a moment where it's "too late" to be honest.
From the beginning when I was introduced to you, I thought you were cool. I didn't have a problem with you. Despite what you may think, I don't blame you for inquiring so much about DD so that hopefully, when you're in a relationship one day, you learn something from what you've asked me, and what you've been given about DD.
The real you that I got to know was a lot better then the 4 (at least, and that I know of) "fake" you's that I've experienced over the last few months. It is NOT too late to change. It's NOT too late to come to me and just admit that the lying, manipulative, backstabbing.. (I could go on and on) behavior you've shown towards me, and others, was wrong.
I won't judge you for it. I won't even ask any questions. I will help you "re-intergrate" into the networks of people you've lied to and deceived. I promise. Just PLEASE be honest and cut the "hi my name is so and so" crap. Please. Because not only can I not take it any more, but its not fair to me to make me sit here and pretend i have no idea what's going on.
I've went through a range of emotions about this. I've been sad that someone would deceive me like that. I've been pissed off that someone would completely insult my intelligence by thinking that all the false identities you assume aren't really you. Ive been hurt that I was lied to. I've been through them all, and more. But what I've taken from this is that forgiveness, no matter who it's from or what happened, is the strongest thing you can do.
J, I'm giving you a chance that I don't have to give you. I could "out" you to everyone you've been lying to. I'm choosing to help you and to forgive you. Please, give me that chance. Please just be honest with me. Please trust me that I won't judge you, I won't even ask any questions. Just be honest.
If you choose to totally ignore this, that's fine. However, in 4 day (on Sunday the 4th) if i haven't heard anything from you, it's going to show me that you have zero intent on ever changing this crap, apologizing, or taking any sort of step to make it right. At that time, you're kinda leaving me no choice but to delete, block, suspend or remove all your accounts that I can, as well as completely block the multiple IP addresses you use and take every single effort in the world to ensure you can never, ever do this again. Please don't make me do that. I'm reaching out to you, and I'm offering to help. I'm offering you a chance to make this right with me. It can stay between us.
You know how to reach me (email is probably best. Just click "contact me"). It's never too late to be honest. Please, let me help you.
Chelsea
------------
This blog may be directed towards one person, but it is written for everyone. Forgiveness is a powerful tool and honesty is a powerful trait. It can be hard to forgive someone (trust me, I'm aware) and it takes time. There are also circumstances when it can be hard to be honest and I understand that. But it's never too late to forgive someone, or be honest with someone.
This blog may not have any meaning whatsoever for some of you and that's fine. But I wanted to post it because it's my way of publicly reaching out to someone who really needs it. It's never too late.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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