Thursday, July 5, 2012

How Popular is DD?

First off, Happy 4th of July! I know I'm a day late, but we were so busy yesterday and I totally forgot to put up a post. We had an absolutely wonderful 4th of July, and I hope everyone else did as well.

I've always wondered how popular domestic discipline is. I guess it's the "research brain" part of me or the fact that I love statistics. But either way, I have always wondered how many people truly practice. However, because a very large majority of those who practice domestic discipline keep it under such tight wraps, I don't think there has been any concrete data released on the subject (which sucks because I really want to know!)

However, what I can say is this..

There are many different forms of domestic discipline. I think when a lot of people hear the term domestic discipline they automatically think "husband gives wife rules, if wife breaks them she gets spanked". That isn't always the case. In fact, there are numerous relationships/marriages/arrangements out there that fall into the domestic discipline category, but don't include spanking at all. Simply speaking, domestic discipline is anytime one spouse becomes the "leader" of the house (whether unintentional or intentional) and puts down rules or guidelines (whether unintentional or intentional) for the other spouse and if those are not followed some form of punishment ensues. A lot of marriages probably don't even realize that they're operating under "domestic discipline". Take this for example..

When I was in grad school (and hadn't yet truly heard of domestic discipline, definitely didn't practice it, and if I had heard about it at that point, I would have wanted nothing to do with it) I had a close friend who had recently gotten married. To this day, I'm convinced that neither her, or her new husband, had any knowledge of domestic discipline. But that's beside the point.

Her and I spent probably 4 out of 7 days a week together (studying, shopping, decorating her new house, etc) and got to know each other really well. One day, we went out shopping and she went a tad bit overboard (actually, a lot overboard if you would have asked her husband). Both of us didn't really think anything of it. Later that evening, we went back to her house and her new husband saw an entire trunk full of shopping bags. His response was the usual "what on earth were you thinking?" "seriously we haven't even made our first mortgage payment yet!" and then it came..."if you can't be responsible with credit cards maybe you shouldn't even have them!" and he marched over to her wallet and took them out.

Now, for us "DD wives" this scenario wouldn't really be out of the ordinary. You break a rule, you lose privileges. However, for my friend, it was out of the ordinary. I even asked her, later down the road, if he'd ever done that before and she replied no. There were several further statements she made that fully convinced me, over the years, that her, nor her husband really had any idea what DD was and more than likely drew the line at punishments right then and there are removing her credit cards. There was never a set rule list created, nor any sort of punishment list (so to speak). But, she lost her credit cards. And, do I believe that pretty much any husband would do that, DD or not? Absolutely. 

The point here is that domestic discipline exists everywhere. It may not be the form of domestic discipline you are used to, it may not be labeled as domestic discipline, and it may not be easy to "spot" and that's ok. But, it's out there.

I know it is so hard to wrap your head around "what if other people found out we practiced dd!?". I get that and I'm not saying "well now everyone should feel comfortable sharing it!" because that's totally unrealistic. 

What I am saying is that you aren't alone. There are forms of domestic discipline in a very high number of marriages. Some may be microscopically small and some may run rampant. Regardless, any marriage that has a leader is going to have some form of domestic discipline. You may totally disagree with me all you want, but look past domestic discipline as being about spanking, set in stone rules or designated punishments. 

It is very easy to feel alone in the domestic discipline lifestyle, partly because you (and others) choose to be so private about it that you are afraid to talk about it with others, and partly because you don't know where to look for support.  

The point of this entire post is that you aren't alone. There are small (or large) forms of domestic discipline (probably not called by that name, or any name though) in a significant number of relationships. I guarantee it. Now, the number that include spanking? That number probably greatly decreases. But nonetheless, domestic discipline is out there in full force.



  1. Well...and just look at the tons of blogs out there. :) Definitely not alone.

    1. Yep, great point. There are thousands of domestic discipline blogs out there.


  2. I completely agree! I think more people practice the husband being in charge than what people think. :)

  3. Hi Chelsea,
    Wow that seemed like you were sat in my living room, drinking tea, and talking directly to me!
    I think I over analyse the fact that I feel alone.

    However re 'most men would take away a credit card' not in the UK amongst our generation. Most couples here in their late 20s early 30s live a life where the woman is domaneering and boistrous and the man says, 'yes dear' or if he doesn't they have blazing rows! it's sad but an unfortunate state of post modern UK relationships.

    Glad you had a great break and little man is happy and well.


    1. Thanks! Glad you liked it. Don't over analyze it. Trust me, you aren't alone.

      Our son is doing great, thanks! He LOVED the fireworks last night!

  4. Nice post and really great points. I always wonder about this too, and think a close friend or a neighbor could be practicing DD and really i'd have no clue. I do think it's a lot more common than most of us think, especially when you point out all the different ways DD can be done.

    1. Thanks! I wonder that about friends/neighbors/etc. all the time. Even like random people at the grocery store!

    2. Me too. I do it all the time! I once wrotr DD as a facebook status to see if anyone said anything. They didnt :(

    3. Hmmmm.. now that's funny! and brave! and oh so tempting! But I don't think it would work. if i saw that as a FB status, I wouldn't respond...

  5. You are right but it might be the woman who is in charge and I don't care what any of you say there is NOTHING wrong with the woman being in charge if the man wants it. My husband wouldn't take my credit cards away no matter what unless I gave them to him. Especially of they have MY name on them and not his. Now if they are his credit cards sure he could. But if he took mine then that gives me the right to take his away. My husband loves me being bossy and he says it turns him on for me to be in control. I'm too head strong and he has found out nothing is gonna make me obey him if he was into that. If he tried spanking me divorce court would be in our near future.

    I don't get why so many of you down a woman being in charge and sayin it's ashamed our culture is like that. Some men are actually happy with their woman in charge. Doesn't mean we spank them. And I have heard some of you say "there might be less divorces if more men spanked" and that's so not true. Some women would only behave out of fear of pain and that's so wrong. Of some would beat their husbands back or throw them in jail. Which they should. I get tired of some DD wives and husbands say it's wrong for a man to let a woman be in control and just not right and Clint even says he doesn't approve. Well I don't approve of men thinking they should have the right. If a woman really and truly wants it and brings it to her husband then that's fine and I see nothing wrong with it. And honestly the woman really has the mos control. She can stop DD whenever she wants and if the husband refuses to than he can be thrown in jail for domestic abuse. I just feel soo lucky to have a man who doesn't want me to take orders from him in any way and has told me over and over again I dont ever have to obey him and it would upset him to think he does because that is why he is in the army is to fight for my freedom. He would rather cut off his own hand than cause me any kind of pain no matter what. And screw what the bible says about us "submitting" to men and he'd rather go to hell than have me obey him because we are equal. But I agree if it makes you happy then that is what matters but I don't think anyone should be saying its sad men let women be in control. And I agree DD is popular in some form whether it be the man the leader of the marriage or the wife. Neither IS wrong as long as both spouses 100% want it that way.


  6. I've been doing a little research and reading on domestic discipline, mostly because I had never heard of it before. After reading this post though, I'd like to say that my husband would never take my credit cards. He is the head of the home, and if I way overspent we would be sitting down to talk about it and also talk about how to help me get back on track financially, BUT, if he overspent on tools or something at an auction, we would be doing the same thing. I am not treated as someone that is less than him in any way, but an equal. He is the head, but not because he is the only one able to lead, but because a home runs better if there is someone who is the leader. He respects me too much though to treat me as a child.

  7. I started off in marriage loving the fact that I felt like somebody was taking care of me. I came from a dysfunctional, abusive home and basically grew up in fear. I got spanked a lot as a child, 90% of the time unjustly, and my relationships with my family of origin are tremulous. I do my duty as a daughter towards my aging parents, but that's it. There is so much bitterness in my heart that it's sheer willpower to try to get past that and remember that my parents need me now.

    I went with everything my husband said. But only a month after our wedding, I saw a glimpse of his temper - which I hadn't before when we were still dating - and I was traumatized. Flashbacks to childhood sprang into my brain and I mentally fled in terror. In three years, he managed to traumatize me so terribly and I fled in fear so many times, I was scared. I was in tears 90% of the time, just pleading with him and begging him to stop yelling and I'd do whatever he wanted.

    This is a display of temper that probably wouldn't upset most people, but I was terrified. I had so many gaping wounds from my upbringing, I needed someone who was going to be strong and care for me, not frighten me. After four years of marriage, I finally gained the courage to realize that I had to stand on my own and that was all that there was for me.

    I felt very keenly the fact that I wasn't earning money. When I went shopping, I went to thrift stores and only got what I absolutely needed. I remember one day I bought myself and my son each a pair of shoes. Each pair cost two dollars at a thrift store. My son needed a jacket, too, and I couldn't find one, so I finally went to Wal-Mart and bought a new one for him. I also had to buy diapers; I used cloth diapers when we were home, but my husband wanted to go on a car trip and I needed disposables for that.

    When I got home, he saw how much I had spent and raked me over the coals. I wept. After he finished, I protested that my shoes only cost two dollars and I couldn't find a jacket for our little boy except at Wal-Mart. He severely punished me for talking back. I got very depressed after that and several days made a pretense of getting up to fix breakfast, pack lunch, etc., but when he left I just crept back into bed to disappear. I didn't dare get help because I knew he'd get angry at the expense.

    I get a mail-order catalogue occasionally and love to go through it. There's a lovely nightgown I wish I could get but it's too expensive. I usually make my own things, but right now I just don't have the time. The mail-order catalogue came again today, and I am vicariously eyeing all the pretty stuff! Of course, I really don't care much to have something pretty for him; I just want it because it makes me feel good.

    If he spends a lot, I wouldn't DARE protest it. I just make sure the bills get paid and paid in full. I NEVER question his purchases or spending.

  8. Just another thing, I am always intrigued by those of you who get your credit cards taken away. Aren't you ever worried about the bill at the end of the month and how you are going to pay it? There's only so many shoes and clothing a person can wear. It's usually best to save credit cards for specific things. Not trying to sound preachy or act like you are children, but when I occasionally read about your shopping expeditions, I want to scream out, "Be careful!" But I have been under the spectre of the debt monster one too many times, and have sweated blood to get out from under it.

  9. I totally agree with this Chelsea. After being introduced to the DD lifestyle I started looking around at what I have seen of other peoples relationships and reflecting back on my own. Although I didn't know anything about any of this, I do see some DD lifestyle tendencies.
    I agree with some of the other posts with the general underlying theme of equal partnership but I think what perhaps some people are failing to see is that DD IS an equal partnership. It is consensual and fair. The head of household can only be successful if his spouse is too. There is an added benefit of strength in being able to trust and follow. I don't feel weak or without a voice or less than my hubby. I feel a sense of pride in having a relationship built on many deep levels of trust. I am appreciative for the respect he has in me and my abilities. Yes, you may be able to have these things without a full on DD lifestyle but I think people are lying to themselves if they say they don't practice it in at least some sense. Even having it planned to sit down and discuss where things have gone wrong and mutually decide on a course of action is to practice a form of discipline. You still are being held accountable at the end of the day, whether you get spanked or have to have a conversation about it.

  10. Mom to 6,
    From what you tell, this is far from normative marriage,
    In my opinion you should start to put your husband on his mistake, I think that is not good for you DD marriage. DD should not make a man do what he wants and stop his wife do the same things ...

  11. A wonderful post Chelsea.
    To my understanding, Domestic Discipline is giving all the decisions of the household over to the husband.
    This entails total love, respect and trust.
    There is nothing new there. This has been the norm for thousands of years. At one time we promised to honor, love and obey our husbands when we married them. What is wrong with obeying the one you love?
    Husbands have always provided, protected, loved, cherished and disciplined their wives.
    Since women entered the work place, some think this natural order has changed, but it hasn't - it's in our genes.
    At one time I wanted to make a lot of the decisions in our home as my husband did, but I know now, that I really wanted him to make all the important decisions and to be honest - I'm glad he does.I make the home a warm and happy place to live and he is the head of the house as he should be.
    I have a higher education, a job, a lot of responsibilities and people who depend on me - but it is so wonderful to come home and be taken care of (and disciplined)by him.