I've always considered myself to be a pretty strong person. I've had many experiences in life that most people never have to go through and although they were difficult at the time, I'm grateful for the lessons they have taught me and the strength they have given me. However, despite the strength I have, I feel like sometimes (not often) there are moments when the pain just becomes so unbearable (emotionally, physically, you name it) where you don't know what to do. Right now is one of those times for me.
I debated whether or not to even post this. Actually this blog entry started out to be me just writing all my feelings down in an attempt to just "get it out" but never actually publish it. So that is why this blog entry is in a weird order, and it might not make any sense whatsoever to some of you because it's just thoughts written down. I changed my mind and decided to post it after I realized that maybe I do need support, as much as I may not want to admit it. Maybe shutting the world off right now isn't going to help me. Maybe this will help me heal.
Our son and my husband are my entire world. As I often say, my husband created my heart that my son holds. Conceiving our son wasn't easy. I suffered a few miscarriages (including one late-term one that was especially difficult) and the pregnancy was even worse (lots of hospitalizations, etc). Thankfully, he was born healthy and there aren't any indications that my next pregnancy would result in those same medical problems. So, that's the good news.
Lately, I've been having baby fever big time. Our cute little family doesn't feel complete. Although I feel like it's perfect right now, it just doesn't feel complete. I want a second child, and a sibling for our son. The timing probably isn't perfect (with us getting ready to build a home, and our son still being young) but I can't help it.
When I found out I was pregnant recently, I was estatic. I tried to keep my extreme excitement inside because I knew it was probably early on and you never know what could happen. But, I couldn't help it. It's all I would think about. If it would be a boy or a girl, baby names, nursery colors, how our son would interact with his new sibling, how different holidays would be, how our family may now start to feel complete..just everything. My mind was going in a million directions. I was extremely excited.
Then it came crashing down when I found out we had a miscarriage. It was devestating, and still is. After you have a miscarriage it takes some time for your body to "reset" so to speak. I've been in a lot of pain these past few weeks, and it's been difficult because I feel like it's a constant reminder of the fact I lost the baby. Every "stab" of pain is like a stab in my heart, it feels like.
So, I'm working on moving on, healing, and being thankful for my amazing son that I DO have, and thinking "whatever happens, happens" and leaving the timing of our next child up to God. This one just wasn't meant to be.
While I'm dealing with the hurt of the miscarriage and trying to heal, my heart shatters all over again..
I have two sister in laws, one of whom I have never gotten along with. Although we've remained cordial, gotten along fine in person, attended family functions without any "drama", it isn't much of a secret that I don't really care for her because of numerous reasons. Although it's really not my place, I will be the first to say that she will NOT be a good mother because of choices she has made in the past, and continues to make to this day. In addition to that, she treats my brother in law like crap, and the list continues. The bottom line is she's awful. I feel like I can get along with justttt about everyone in the world except her. Truthfully.
Last fall, we discovered that she had stolen money from us. We were, naturally, upset but there wasn't a whole lot we could do about it. We moved on. However, we were aware that she was desperately trying to conceive a child, and was going to pretty great lengths to make sure that she did conceive. We then discovered that she used the money she stole from us to go to a fertility doctor. Fast forward to recently. Right as we're going through this emotionally tough time, she tells us she is pregnant. Not only is she pregnant, but the reason she is pregnant is because the money she stole from us to pay her awesome fertility doctor with is the visit that ended up getting her pregnant. Faaantastic.
Honestly, I understand to some of you this sounds bitchy, selfish, and a whole lot of other things and that's fine. But the truth is, suffering a miscarriage then finding out your thief of a sister in law is pregnant RIGHT after is like knives in my heart. It honestly feels like God took away my baby and gave it to her. Since we played a part in her getting pregnant (it was our money she used to conceive with, technically) it makes me sick. The timing is even worse. The fact she won't be a good mother is even worse than that. And the list continues.
I'm heartbroken. A part of me wants to try to be happy for her, but because of our past with her I just can't. The other part of me so desperately wishes I wouldn't have lost our baby because then maybe I wouldn't feel like God took away our baby and gave it to her.
Since this has all went down, I suffered another miscarriage (a few days ago). I'm almost positive at this point that I have to just leave it up to God and when the timing is right for us to have a second child, then the timing will be right. We've decided to not even try. Whatever happens, happens. The last thing I want is to get my hopes up SO high that we'll get pregnant...then we get pregnant..suffer a miscarriage and start it over, and over, and over, and over again several times until finally we get pregnant and don't lose the baby. So, we'll just leave it up to God.
It's easier for me to hand over control of things in life to my husband rather than to God for some reason. It's something I've struggled with a lot recently, because I feel like I'm constantly asking myself the question "why would God do this?". If the timing wasn't right, why would I be pregnant at all, only for Him to take the fetus away? I just have so many "why.." questions, and very few (if any) answers.
During the day, I'm fine. I'm able to "heal up and move on" just fine, and go about life as normal for the most part. But when he goes to bed at night and my husband goes to bed, I'm left lying there thinking. And that's where the problems come in. I drive myself crazy grieving the loss. I literally cry until my heart starts to race just so I can feel alive again.
I will get through this, be fine, and then one day it will just be one of those memories in the distant past that I can look back on and say "that made me stronger". But for now I feel weak. I feel lonely. I feel so much hurt I can't even take it. I feel sad. I feel anger.
I just want this all to pass.