Thursday, March 22, 2012

When the hurt becomes too much to handle.

I've always considered myself to be a pretty strong person. I've had many experiences in life that most people never have to go through and although they were difficult at the time, I'm grateful for the lessons they have taught me and the strength they have given me. However, despite the strength I have, I feel like sometimes (not often) there are moments when the pain just becomes so unbearable (emotionally, physically, you name it) where you don't know what to do. Right now is one of those times for me.

I debated whether or not to even post this. Actually this blog entry started out to be me just writing all my feelings down in an attempt to just "get it out" but never actually publish it. So that is why this blog entry is in a weird order, and it might not make any sense whatsoever to some of you because it's just thoughts written down. I changed my mind and decided to post it after I realized that maybe I do need support, as much as I may not want to admit it. Maybe shutting the world off right now isn't going to help me. Maybe this will help me heal.


Our son and my husband are my entire world. As I often say, my husband created my heart that my son holds. Conceiving our son wasn't easy. I suffered a few miscarriages (including one late-term one that was especially difficult) and the pregnancy was even worse (lots of hospitalizations, etc). Thankfully, he was born healthy and there aren't any indications that my next pregnancy would result in those same medical problems. So, that's the good news. 

Lately, I've been having baby fever big time. Our cute little family doesn't feel complete. Although I feel like it's perfect right now, it just doesn't feel complete. I want a second child, and a sibling for our son. The timing probably isn't perfect (with us getting ready to build a home, and our son still being young) but I can't help it.

When I found out I was pregnant recently, I was estatic. I tried to keep my extreme excitement inside because I knew it was probably early on and you never know what could happen. But, I couldn't help it. It's all I would think about. If it would be a boy or a girl, baby names, nursery colors, how our son would interact with his new sibling, how different holidays would be, how our family may now start to feel complete..just everything. My mind was going in a million directions. I was extremely excited.

Then it came crashing down when I found out we had a miscarriage. It was devestating, and still is. After you have a miscarriage it takes some time for your body to "reset" so to speak. I've been in a lot of pain these past few weeks, and it's been difficult because I feel like it's a constant reminder of the fact I lost the baby. Every "stab" of pain is like a stab in my heart, it feels like.

So, I'm working on moving on, healing, and being thankful for my amazing son that I DO have, and thinking "whatever happens, happens" and leaving the timing of our next child up to God. This one just wasn't meant to be.

While I'm dealing with the hurt of the miscarriage and trying to heal, my heart shatters all over again..

I have two sister in laws, one of whom I have never gotten along with. Although we've remained cordial, gotten along fine in person, attended family functions without any "drama", it isn't much of a secret that I don't really care for her because of numerous reasons. Although it's really not my place, I will be the first to say that she will NOT be a good mother because of choices she has made in the past, and continues to make to this day. In addition to that, she treats my brother in law like crap, and the list continues. The bottom line is she's awful. I feel like I can get along with justttt about everyone in the world except her. Truthfully.

Last fall, we discovered that she had stolen money from us. We were, naturally, upset but there wasn't a whole lot we could do about it. We moved on. However, we were aware that she was desperately trying to conceive a child, and was going to pretty great lengths to make sure that she did conceive. We then discovered that she used the money she stole from us to go to a fertility doctor. Fast forward to recently. Right as we're going through this emotionally tough time, she tells us she is pregnant. Not only is she pregnant, but the reason she is pregnant is because the money she stole from us to pay her awesome fertility doctor with is the visit that ended up getting her pregnant. Faaantastic.

Honestly, I understand to some of you this sounds bitchy, selfish, and a whole lot of other things and that's fine. But the truth is, suffering a miscarriage then finding out your thief of a sister in law is pregnant RIGHT after is like knives in my heart. It honestly feels like God took away my baby and gave it to her. Since we played a part in her getting pregnant (it was our money she used to conceive with, technically) it makes me sick. The timing is even worse. The fact she won't be a good mother is even worse than that. And the list continues.

I'm heartbroken. A part of me wants to try to be happy for her, but because of our past with her I just can't. The other part of me so desperately wishes I wouldn't have lost our baby because then maybe I wouldn't feel like God took away our baby and gave it to her.

Since this has all went down, I suffered another miscarriage (a few days ago). I'm almost positive at this point that I have to just leave it up to God and when the timing is right for us to have a second child, then the timing will be right. We've decided to not even try. Whatever happens, happens. The last thing I want is to get my hopes up SO high that we'll get pregnant...then we get pregnant..suffer a miscarriage and start it over, and over, and over, and over again several times until finally we get pregnant and don't lose the baby. So, we'll just leave it up to God.

It's easier for me to hand over control of things in life to my husband rather than to God for some reason. It's something I've struggled with a lot recently, because I feel like I'm constantly asking myself the question "why would God do this?". If the timing wasn't right, why would I be pregnant at all, only for Him to take the fetus away? I just have so many "why.." questions, and very few (if any) answers.

During the day, I'm fine. I'm able to "heal up and move on" just fine, and go about life as normal for the most part. But when he goes to bed at night and my husband goes to bed, I'm left lying there thinking. And that's where the problems come in. I drive myself crazy grieving the loss. I literally cry until my heart starts to race just so I can feel alive again.

I will get through this, be fine, and then one day it will just be one of those memories in the distant past that I can look back on and say "that made me stronger". But for now I feel weak. I feel lonely. I feel so much hurt I can't even take it. I feel sad. I feel anger.

I just want this all to pass.

28 comments:

  1. Aww Chelsea I am so sorry. :( You are in my prayers I hold things get better for you.

    Jill

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    1. Thank you, I appreciate it.

      -Chelsea

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  2. Oh Chelsea, I'm so sorry that you're in such pain right now. It is difficult to lose a pregnancy.

    I am an RN and worked in the maternity ward for 11 years. I've seen the devastation and confusion a young mom feels after a miscarriage. I know from experience that babies are a lot more protected in our wombs than we believe and that a miscarriage is 9 times out of 10 the result of something wrong and not anything the mother could have done to change it. I believe it is God's way of taking care of something that wouldn't have been right for you, or your family. You are correct in that it is all in His time and His hands.

    I have three children now, two boys and a girl. Our oldest son has been diagnosed with leukemia and is on the last week of his chemotherapy treatments. If this doesn't work for him then we have to consider a bone marrow transplant next. I tell you this only because I too have been questioning God's reasoning lately. I've even been downright mad at Him at times. My minister assures me that these are perfectly natural responses to grief. The how could you let this happen to good people' syndrome. It doesn't seem fair when you do the right things, try to be a good person and tragedy and illness come your way. The unjustness of it all is compounded on a much bigger scale when you see goodness happening to a bad or 'not so nice' person. It's very difficult to come to terms with ..... Isn't it?

    You are blessed in that you have a wonderful husband who loves you and is there for you. The closeness and communication that comes from living a DD marriage is what will help get you through this. Writing it down and getting your feelings out is your big step forward. A very brave one at that.

    I will pray for strength and peace for you.

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    1. Thank you for the prayers, support, and for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your son. I'll be praying for you. If you need anyone to talk, or vent to, please let me know. I'm really sorry for what your family is going through.

      -Chelsea

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  3. Hey girl,
    I am so sorry for the miscarriage. I am here if ya need to talk you have my number and facebook. I will be praying for you and your family.
    Carolyn

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    1. Thanks Carolyn, I appreciate it. I hope you are doing well!

      -Chelsea

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss, and your brother-in-law's unfortunate choice in mates...and shutter to think of the fate of your niece or nephew...

    Some of your feelings aren't pretty but they seem very reasonable to me...you have suffered a loss and sister-in-law stole from you - and she got a positive consequence...that is soooooooooo unfair...I'll hate her for you ;-)

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    1. Lol. My sister in law and I will probably never have a fantastic relationship, but now that it's been a few months, I have overcome my extremely bitter feelings about it. However, I still don't like her. :-)

      -Chelsea

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  5. Aww, I can feel the emotion in this post and i'm so sorry for all the losses you have faced. I know a lot of people who after suffering that much, would just give up and you seem to still be a very strong person even after going through all of this. You have the right idea about leaving it up to god, but I can always see why you would have all of those what if questions. I hope one day those questions can be answered for you, and until then keep being strong.

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    1. Thank you, I appreciate it. It's hard to be strong all the time, but now that it's been some time, it's gotten easier. :-)

      -Chelsea

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  6. What a painful and difficult subject. I agree with the comment above. You are certainly brave to come forth and talk openly about your pain. I could feel how emotional it was for you.

    I imagine that you are helping many women who have experienced this kind of pain to know that their feelings, whatever they are, are normal. I am not a very religious person, still I know that having these types of thoughts (even the negative ones) does not make you a bitchy or bad person. It makes you a human being.

    Lean heavily on you HOH right now. Together you can overcome much.

    Your courage is an inspiration.

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    1. I greatly appreciate your support and encouragement. Thank you!

      -Chelsea

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  7. I'm so sorry Chelsea. those words seem so small but my heart and thoughts are with you two. pp is right, lean on Clint right now.

    -Anna

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  8. Hi Chelsea,
    I am so sorry for what you are going for.
    I know some of your pain. We too have a young child and I miscarried at Christmas. It was very dramatic for me, I lost alot of blood and was rushed into the ER, they spent a long time trying to stop the bleeding, and I ended up losing half my blood with a blood transfusion. This has meant that I am terrified to try again.

    The only comfort I have is watching my wonderful little girl develop and grow. I know it's hard Chelsea, but try to see the joy you already have. You and I are so lucky to have one special little one in our lives. I know some people aren't blessed with any.

    Thank God for our blessings, and as him to help you forgive your sister in law. It is clearly very difficult for you, but she just wanted the joy that you feel with one child, try to forgive her. If you can it will give you happiness inside.

    I recently was able to forgive my mother for terrible things, and the hatred I had destroyed me. But now with forgiveness I am able to see more joy in life and in the world, and realise how fortunate I am to have what I have.

    I wish you happiness and am thinking of you in this difficult time.

    x

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    1. Thank you so much for the support.

      I'm so sorry for what you went through as well. I know how traumatic it can be, and it's something I never wish upon anyone. I'm so sorry.

      -Chelsea

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  9. This is one of those times I wish I could just give you a hug and tell you that everything will be alright. The pain you are suffering is one that nobody else can understand unless they too suffered a miscarriage.And even then, this is your pain. Be strong and know that God is with you. Sometimes it is hard to turn things over to God when we don't understand his reasons. But God will give you the comfort and the grace to get through this.
    And jsut to add to the sucky stories. I had been trying to get pregnant for almost two years. Everyone knew I was trying and tried to keep things positive. Then my older sister, who had two little boys, aborted her baby. To this day, I cannot understand how or why she would do this. And to also share this news with me when all I wanted was a baby.
    Good news, God did answer my prayers. And he will answer yours too. It may not seem like it now and it may not be the answer you were looking for, but just trust.

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    1. Thank you Blondie. I've reread your comment several times over the past few months, especially when I get really down. I really, really appreciate it.

      -Chelsea

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  10. you and clint and your little man are in my thoughts and prayers. I have been through much the same - its awful but time does heal. :) keep strong
    hugs kiwi xxx

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    1. Thank you! You're right, time does heal. Slowly, but surely!

      -Chelsea

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  11. So sorry. This is a painful thing for any woman to have to go through, both physically and mentally.
    I agree with all of the above. You are very brave for talking about this. You are helping others who have been there before you or are going to go through this. You are not a selfish bad person- your feelings are common for what you are enduring. I know Clint will be your rock to lean on and your little boy will be your joy to see you through.

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    1. Thank you, I really appreciate it.
      -Chelsea

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  12. First of all, I'd like to say I am so very sorry for what you are going through. You are a very strong and resilient woman, and your ability to write this post is admirable.

    I would like to add some input though on something you said, if you'll allow me. You said, "It's easier for me to hand over control of things in life to my husband rather than to God for some reason." Which, trust me, I totally get. I don't know what your specific religious beliefs are, so I am taking a stab in the dark here, but if you'll bear with me, it sounds like you are making an idol of your husband. That is, you are putting him ahead of God.
    I bring this up, in no way to criticize. I would hate to think that I would do that in this very painful time for you. I only bring this up because I did this with my partner, and after coming to terms with that and working through it, I was able to heal considerably from a lot of emotional pain that I was bearing from a tumultous past and a present chronic illness. I very much hope that this does not offend you, because I have no other motive in bringing it up to you, other than I know that this was something that, once I got past it, helped me considerably.
    Also, you are in no way selfish or "bitchy" in being hurt or angry at what your sister in law did. Even excluding any past transgressions, that one act alone-particularly in light of your present situation-is justification in and of itself. Yes, it's not pretty and yes, eventually you will have to forgive her for your own healing, but you are doing the right thing in addressing your feelings in all their glory-you will help no one, least of all yourself if you pretend that everything is fine.
    I hope that you will find peace in the midst of this loss and I will be praying for healing and deliverance for your entire family.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. I never looked at what I said in that light before (that I was making an idol out of my husband) and I appreciate you bringing it up. Although I don't make an idol of my husband, nor put him ahead of God, I do see why you felt that way or how it came across that way.

      I appreciate your post a lot. Thank you for sharing.

      -Chelsea

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  13. Prayers your way for you in this difficult time. My last birth almost resulted in the death of my son; he was stuck in the birth canal and nothing seemed to work to get him out. Finally he was freed, but had to be resuscitated. He's OK now, fortunately.

    I'm so glad your husband is there for you at this time. I would have to agree with Anonymous above, though, that it is very dangerous to "make an idol" of your husband, as she put it. A very high risk and one not to be taken lightly. It can become dangerous. By dangerous, I don't mean that by abusive or something like that, but more like the danger that God gets displaced in your life. When my marriage started to fall apart, immediately I put my husband at the forefront as I desperately tried to save something that couldn't be saved. I firmly believe I would have saved myself much severe anxiety and misery had I put things in proper perspective.

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    1. That's so scary what you went through with your son. I'm happy he's ok now!!

      -Chelsea

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  14. This makes me sad :( i have no words to explain the pain in my heart hearing your story

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    1. It was a really painful time in my life, and some days it still is. :(

      -Chelsea

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  15. Chelsea,
    I completely understand your feelings. In January, my husband and I were briefly separated, during which time I found out that I was pregnant. As silly and unhealthy as it sounds even to me, I thought that little one would help us piece our marriage back together. (Not that it was my goal to get pregnant at that time, or for that reason by any stretch!)
    We found out I was pregnant, reconciled, and he moved back in. We went out of town on a weekend trip to celebrate being back together and the baby...then the second day of the trip I miscarried. I spent the next few weeks in an absolute fog, most of which I don't remember to this day. I remember lots of crying, and feeling like I wanted to die. The thing I do remember is that my mother, who is only 40, was pregnant at the time. As horrible as it was, I remember thinking over and over that it was unfair that the baby I wanted so badly, was gone and my mother who had already had 5 healthy children was pregnant, and I wasn't.
    Losing a little one is such a hard thing, and the feelings that it leaves behind don't always seem rational or fair, but there are those of us out there who understand it.
    I ended up getting pregnant shortly thereafter, but that still doesn't help with the pain. Sometimes, I feel like rejoicing over this baby is wrong, because I don't know that I took enough time to mourn the loss of our other baby. I still think of that lost baby and feel the same horrible pain.
    I don't know if it encourages you or not, but I completely understand your pain. *hugs*

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