Friday, March 30, 2012

Approaching Others About Domestic Discipline (from the women's perspective)

Domestic discipline is often a taboo topic, and one that most people tend to stray away from discussing with others. I've been asked numerous times "how should I talk to ___ about domestic discipline" and I've often asked myself the exact same question. I was really shy at first about domestic discipline. I didn't want to share that aspect of our marriage with anyone, and it took a long time for me to "come out of my shell".

My husband had the idea to do this post together, which I thought was a great idea. So, over on his blog right now, he has up how to approach others about domestic discipline (from the man's point of view). It's worth reading as well. :)

I often feel like domestic discipline is a world that's hidden. Many people have aliases, and many people are extremely private about the fact that they practice. That's fine, and I understand that. However, as hard as it might be sometimes, it isn't necessarily an awful, horrible, scary thing for people (not everyone..) to know that you practice, right? Obviously I'm not talking about just walking up to your brother completely out of the blue and being like "hey, I practice domestic discipline. Cool, huh?". But, if the topic ever arises or if you see a marriage or relationship that you feel like could use domestic discipline to improve it, why not share?

I've been in this situation a few times and each of those times I have to mentally convince myself that it's the right thing to help someone elses marriage. However, I still chicken out because of the fear that they will TOTALLY flip out on me. Still, in the many years I've been doing this, I have never had that happen. So that always gives me a vote of confidence. I think you'll find that, as scary as it might be in your head, there's a way that this can be done tactfully and respectfully to where it isn't all that bad.

This situation tends to most often come up for me in hair salons for some reason, although it could be somewhere different for you. But I swear, almost every time I get my hair done there's always a group of women sitting around talking, complaining, etc. about something in their marriage. I don't think DD is the "do all, solve all, fix all" so don't get me wrong. However, I definitely think that, if done correctly, there are areas of your marriage that it can improve. So, how do you go about bringing it up to someone? Below are my suggestions.

  1. Make sure this person can truly benefit from it. This is step one for a's one of the most important steps. It's crucial to realize that DD is not the solution to every marital problem out there. For instance, if a friend of yours is discussing how her husband recently had an affair or something to that magnitude, domestic discipline probably isn't for them at that point. That's just one example of many. But the bottom line is to think about the issues that domestic discipline helps you with in your marriage. Whether it's procrastination, weight loss, attitude and respect, or something totally different..evaluate what helps you in your marriage and then ask yourself "do I think domestic discipline would help __" 
  2. Know the right way to bring it up. This is the hardest part. It's one of those "way easier said than done" moments, definitely. I've found that the easiest thing to do is just jump right out and say "I'm really sorry you're struggling with ___" and then after a few minutes of talking, just come right out with "have you ever heard of domestic discipline". I know it sounds a little crazy. I get that. But with the experience I've had, it's always turned out ok in the end. 
  3. Be prepared to explain. This is one of those topics that is going to take a little bit more than just a quick 5 minute walk through. So, make sure you have the time to explain it, the patience for all the questions you will most likely get, and the resources and tools to be able to answer them. The most common questions are ones like "how do you totally not feel like you're a child?" "are you sure that isn't abuse?" and a few others like it. So, be prepared to answer those questions (and more). 
  4. It helps if you share personal experiences. Talking about your personal experiences with domestic discipline can either be super easy or ridiculously hard for people, depending on who you are, who you're talking to, and your personality type. Whether you share hours worth of stories, details, and personal messages or just a brief overlook, it will help the person you are sharing domestic discipline with to not feel like this is SUCH an "out there" concept that there's no way that they can ever wrap their minds around it. It will help them to relate.
  5. Leave them with information, and the ability to research themselves. Just make sure that you explain that there are many many many variations of domestic discipline. You want to caution them that just googling the general term of "domestic discipline" may leave them with search results of a different form of domestic discipline than what you just recommended to them. Not only could this totally scare them, but also confuse them. So, make sure you explain there are different variations.
  6. Give them the tools they need to discuss this with their spouse. Domestic discipline isn't a one-sided or one-person decision type of a thing. Often times, as many of you may already have experienced, the hardest thing about domestic discipline is bringing it up to your spouse. That part, alone, keeps many who may want to join the lifestyle, away from it because they are just too nervous to bring it up with their husband or wife. I've written a series on my blog about how to talk to your spouse about domestic discipline, and there are many variations of that same topic elsewhere in "blog land" if you search around.
  7. Explain the benefits, but also the negatives. Domestic discipline isn't all rainbows and unicorns, despite what we may wish. There are negatives that should be shared along side all of the benefits. I recommend you paint the whole and real picture of what domestic discipline is and how it works in a marriage (whether that's your marriage, or a marriage in general) and not just the great parts of it. It's important to explain all sides.
  8. Encourage a trial period, if nothing else. I feel like I'm constantly repeating this, but that's because it's so true- a trial period really does work. I think domestic discipline is one of those "you have to actually experience it to believe it" sort of things, and that's what a trial period can accomplish. For a lot of people, the thought of practicing domestic discipline initially for only a few weeks is less scary than forever.

So, why would you want to do this?
  1. It's nice to share. That may sound stupid, but it's true. If domestic discipline works in your marriage, why not share that with a friend (or anyone else)? Help them out too. 
  2. Support. It's always great to have "online friends" who practice domestic discipline to go to for support, advice, etc. But, it's even better to have friends that you have known for many, many years already to be able to discuss this topic with. It isn't just about you supporting them with their new DD journey, it's also about them being a resource that you can go to for support as well.
Sharing domestic discipline with others can also greatly help your confidence, build new friendships, and more.

I completely understand that it could be scary for some at first because you don't want people to look at you any differently. It's one thing to have a blog, "online friends", and more but it's another thing to sit face to face with someone you've known for ages and explain that you practice this. I felt those same emotions as I explained domestic discipline to my family, and some of my closest friends. However, I also felt a giant sense of relief. I love the fact that the majority of my best friends practice domestic discipline and even if they DON'T practice it, it's nice to know that I don't have to keep it totally hidden and that they are there for me if I need someone. The benefits outweigh the pros here, trust me folks.

On a side note, I want to thank everyone for the support that I've received via comments, emails, text messages, phone calls, and more regarding my last blog post. It was a personal one, and one that had nothing to do with domestic discipline, but that's one of the nice things about a blog- it allows me to vent and get my thoughts out. I greatly appreciated the support that I received from everyone. It means a lot, and I wouldn't be able to get through this without everyones support. Thank you.



  1. Thankyou Chelsea.
    My husband and I were literally about to post the same blog topic together! how funny. It's nice to see both your points of view.

    It is so hard though, I almost got there the other day with a friend who literally said to me, 'I wonder if I need to let my boyfriend take control more, and be more submissive'.

    We had a whole chat about it, but I didnt have the guts to tell her mine spanks me! maybe next time!

    1. Lol, it's definitely something you have to ease into! I've been in that situation before too though where you're SO close to saying something but don't. It took me a long time to come out of my shell and be able to talk to people about it..but once you do, it's really relieving, actually. :-)


  2. You mentioned the "negatives" of DD but didn't list any - I would be curious to see a post about some of the down sides to it. I am not in a DD relationship with my husband currently but we are considering it and it would be nice to hear someone be honest about some of the negatives with it. I already know many of the good things and I am pretty sure we are going to try it already but it's nice to know ALL the facts not just the rosey happy ones. Like you said it's important to explain all sides. Do you think you and/or your husband could talk about maybe posting some of the negatives in an open, discussion like manor? I would really love that! :)

    1. Thanks for the suggestion! It's a great one. :-)

      My husband did a post listing out some of the cons to DD. You can read it here:


  3. Chelsea, I went back and read your previous post, since you mentioned it in this one. I too had a difficult time getting a baby. I begged God. We had waited years, until the time was just right. I had people praying, a friend at work had me over, and all her friends laid hands on me and prayed. I cried as the months went by with negative reports. I pouted and asked God "Why?", when I would wait in the OB/GYNs office with all those pregnant women. I would think to myself "I bet half of these girls don't even want to be pregnant. I just could not understand. I was scheduled to go in to find out when a biopsy would be done. I got down on my knees, and asked God to let me know His will. I told him that I would stop persuing it, if that's what He wanted. I went in for my exam, and I was pregnant. For years I thought God rewarded me for my submission to His will. As I got older, saw my baby grow into a little girl then to a young woman, I realized something. God had a purpose in this life for my daughter, that didn't have to do with my timing but with His... Wow!! Realization: "GODs timing = my daughter being here at the right time for her life, her purpose, God's purpose"... She's almost 30 now. Time has flown by, and she is just such a blessing. I hope you find a little peace from these words. I pray that you will feel His love for you, His love for your family, His arms wrapped around you all. God understands all our feelings. He came down and felt most all of them himself. He asked the Father if there was just any other way, but if not He was willing. It's just like when our children get disappointed with us, we are sorry for their sorrow, and we are not offended by it. We wish that they could see things our way, just as they wish we could see things theirs. May you be blessed with every good gift, and may you get to look back and see why the timing went how it did. We don't always get to know. We have to trust Him. God Bless You and Yours, Belle L.

    1. Belle,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. I could relate SO much with it, and it truly made me feel better, even though I'm just now reading it, months later. However, it still greatly helps and I really, really appreciate it. Thank you.


  4. You mentioned don't just google domestic discipline. Sooooo what should you google?

    Cheers, C

  5. Thank you for this encouragement, Chelsea!

    I always wonder if there's a need to introduce and "reveal" everything at once. Just take a woman complaining about her husband every time you meet her and every time you speak to her at the phone. It's nothing about abuse but for example the husband not talking to the children the way the wife sees fit or the husband not fixing a household issue quickly enough or the husband not being romantic enough or the husband not advising and instructing their children to prepare cute motherday's presents for the wife... Incidents and issues which the wife regards as completely annoying and disappointing, not matching her idea of a pleasant marriage and therefore she spreads her disappointment around in the public while nearly never rounding up the image by some positive stories about her husband. Throughout the years the wife presents her husband as the bad guy responsible for everything which doesn't run smoothly or not to her taste around home and family. As a countermove the husband withdraws more and more, concentrates on his job only - thus giving his wife new substance for complaining about him.

    I ask myself if it were a good idea to just tell the wife something about respecting and cherishing the partner WITHOUT using scary terms like submission or obedience or domestic discipline. Or maybe (in a light-hearted and, if possible, humorous way) tell her that next time we'll meet, I'd like to hear positive aspects about her marriage and her husband only. (Usually, I notice that complaining wives are very much encouraged in complaining further and further by their female friends... which can really get a bad habit and is certainly offensive to the husband.)

    By the request to talk positively only, she might be able to nurture a more positive inward picture of her husband which could lead to more respect and thankfulness on her part. Consequently, her husband could recognize her new open attitude towards him, which could lead him to open up himself and to try to please her as well... This is my hope in cases when you know both partners of a couple and know pretty well that both aren't "bad" persons in any way (but just trying to cope with the challengings of a busy everyday life and their own ideals).

    Do you think that could make a difference, too?
    Best wishes, Tamira.