Approaching Others About Domestic Discipline (from the women's perspective)

Domestic discipline is often a taboo topic, and one that most people tend to stray away from discussing with others. I've been asked numerous times "how should I talk to ___ about domestic discipline" and I've often asked myself the exact same question. I was really shy at first about domestic discipline. I didn't want to share that aspect of our marriage with anyone, and it took a long time for me to "come out of my shell".

My husband had the idea to do this post together, which I thought was a great idea. So, over on his blog right now, he has up how to approach others about domestic discipline (from the man's point of view). It's worth reading as well. :)

I often feel like domestic discipline is a world that's hidden. Many people have aliases, and many people are extremely private about the fact that they practice. That's fine, and I understand that. However, as hard as it might be sometimes, it isn't necessarily an awful, horrible, scary thing for people (not everyone..) to know that you practice, right? Obviously I'm not talking about just walking up to your brother completely out of the blue and being like "hey, I practice domestic discipline. Cool, huh?". But, if the topic ever arises or if you see a marriage or relationship that you feel like could use domestic discipline to improve it, why not share?

I've been in this situation a few times and each of those times I have to mentally convince myself that it's the right thing to do..to help someone elses marriage. However, I still chicken out because of the fear that they will TOTALLY flip out on me. Still, in the many years I've been doing this, I have never had that happen. So that always gives me a vote of confidence. I think you'll find that, as scary as it might be in your head, there's a way that this can be done tactfully and respectfully to where it isn't all that bad.

This situation tends to most often come up for me in hair salons for some reason, although it could be somewhere different for you. But I swear, almost every time I get my hair done there's always a group of women sitting around talking, complaining, etc. about something in their marriage. I don't think DD is the "do all, solve all, fix all" so don't get me wrong. However, I definitely think that, if done correctly, there are areas of your marriage that it can improve. So, how do you go about bringing it up to someone? Below are my suggestions.

1. Make sure this person can truly benefit from it. This is step one for a reason..it's one of the most important steps. It's crucial to realize that DD is not the solution to every marital problem out there. For instance, if a friend of yours is discussing how her husband recently had an affair or something to that magnitude, domestic discipline probably isn't for them at that point. That's just one example of many. But the bottom line is to think about the issues that domestic discipline helps you with in your marriage. Whether it's procrastination, weight loss, attitude and respect, or something totally different..evaluate what helps you in your marriage and then ask yourself "do I think domestic discipline would help __" 
2. Know the right way to bring it up. This is the hardest part. It's one of those "way easier said than done" moments, definitely. I've found that the easiest thing to do is just jump right out and say "I'm really sorry you're struggling with ___" and then after a few minutes of talking, just come right out with "have you ever heard of domestic discipline". I know it sounds a little crazy. I get that. But with the experience I've had, it's always turned out ok in the end. 
3. Be prepared to explain. This is one of those topics that is going to take a little bit more than just a quick 5 minute walk through. So, make sure you have the time to explain it, the patience for all the questions you will most likely get, and the resources and tools to be able to answer them. The most common questions are ones like "how do you totally not feel like you're a child?" "are you sure that isn't abuse?" and a few others like it. So, be prepared to answer those questions (and more). 
4. It helps if you share personal experiences. Talking about your personal experiences with domestic discipline can either be super easy or ridiculously hard for people, depending on who you are, who you're talking to, and your personality type. Whether you share hours worth of stories, details, and personal messages or just a brief overlook, it will help the person you are sharing domestic discipline with to not feel like this is SUCH an "out there" concept that there's no way that they can ever wrap their minds around it. It will help them to relate.
5. Leave them with information, and the ability to research themselves. Just make sure that you explain that there are many many many variations of domestic discipline. You want to caution them that just googling the general term of "domestic discipline" may leave them with search results of a different form of domestic discipline than what you just recommended to them. Not only could this totally scare them, but also confuse them. So, make sure you explain there are different variations.
6. Give them the tools they need to discuss this with their spouse. Domestic discipline isn't a one-sided or one-person decision type of a thing. Often times, as many of you may already have experienced, the hardest thing about domestic discipline is bringing it up to your spouse. That part, alone, keeps many who may want to join the lifestyle, away from it because they are just too nervous to bring it up with their husband or wife. I've written a series on my blog about how to talk to your spouse about domestic discipline, and there are many variations of that same topic elsewhere in "blog land" if you search around.
7. Explain the benefits, but also the negatives. Domestic discipline isn't all rainbows and unicorns, despite what we may wish. There are negatives that should be shared along side all of the benefits. I recommend you paint the whole and real picture of what domestic discipline is and how it works in a marriage (whether that's your marriage, or a marriage in general) and not just the great parts of it. It's important to explain all sides.
8. Encourage a trial period, if nothing else. I feel like I'm constantly repeating this, but that's because it's so true- a trial period really does work. I think domestic discipline is one of those "you have to actually experience it to believe it" sort of things, and that's what a trial period can accomplish. For a lot of people, the thought of practicing domestic discipline initially for only a few weeks is less scary than forever.

So, why would you want to do this?

1. It's nice to share. That may sound stupid, but it's true. If domestic discipline works in your marriage, why not share that with a friend (or anyone else)? Help them out too. 
2. Support. It's always great to have "online friends" who practice domestic discipline to go to for support, advice, etc. But, it's even better to have friends that you have known for many, many years already to be able to discuss this topic with. It isn't just about you supporting them with their new DD journey, it's also about them being a resource that you can go to for support as well.

Sharing domestic discipline with others can also greatly help your confidence, build new friendships, and more.

I completely understand that it could be scary for some at first because you don't want people to look at you any differently. It's one thing to have a blog, "online friends", and more but it's another thing to sit face to face with someone you've known for ages and explain that you practice this. I felt those same emotions as I explained domestic discipline to my family, and some of my closest friends. However, I also felt a giant sense of relief. I love the fact that the majority of my best friends practice domestic discipline and even if they DON'T practice it, it's nice to know that I don't have to keep it totally hidden and that they are there for me if I need someone. The benefits outweigh the pros here, trust me folks.

On a side note, I want to thank everyone for the support that I've received via comments, emails, text messages, phone calls, and more regarding my last blog post. It was a personal one, and one that had nothing to do with domestic discipline, but that's one of the nice things about a blog- it allows me to vent and get my thoughts out. I greatly appreciated the support that I received from everyone. It means a lot, and I wouldn't be able to get through this without everyones support. Thank you.

-Chelsea

When the hurt becomes too much to handle.

I've always considered myself to be a pretty strong person. I've had many experiences in life that most people never have to go through and although they were difficult at the time, I'm grateful for the lessons they have taught me and the strength they have given me. However, despite the strength I have, I feel like sometimes (not often) there are moments when the pain just becomes so unbearable (emotionally, physically, you name it) where you don't know what to do. Right now is one of those times for me.

I debated whether or not to even post this. Actually this blog entry started out to be me just writing all my feelings down in an attempt to just "get it out" but never actually publish it. So that is why this blog entry is in a weird order, and it might not make any sense whatsoever to some of you because it's just thoughts written down. I changed my mind and decided to post it after I realized that maybe I do need support, as much as I may not want to admit it. Maybe shutting the world off right now isn't going to help me. Maybe this will help me heal.

Our son and my husband are my entire world. As I often say, my husband created my heart that my son holds. Conceiving our son wasn't easy. I suffered a few miscarriages (including one late-term one that was especially difficult) and the pregnancy was even worse (lots of hospitalizations, etc). Thankfully, he was born healthy and there aren't any indications that my next pregnancy would result in those same medical problems. So, that's the good news. 

Lately, I've been having baby fever big time. Our cute little family doesn't feel complete. Although I feel like it's perfect right now, it just doesn't feel complete. I want a second child, and a sibling for our son. The timing probably isn't perfect (with us getting ready to build a home, and our son still being young) but I can't help it.

When I found out I was pregnant recently, I was estatic. I tried to keep my extreme excitement inside because I knew it was probably early on and you never know what could happen. But, I couldn't help it. It's all I would think about. If it would be a boy or a girl, baby names, nursery colors, how our son would interact with his new sibling, how different holidays would be, how our family may now start to feel complete..just everything. My mind was going in a million directions. I was extremely excited.

Then it came crashing down when I found out we had a miscarriage. It was devestating, and still is. After you have a miscarriage it takes some time for your body to "reset" so to speak. I've been in a lot of pain these past few weeks, and it's been difficult because I feel like it's a constant reminder of the fact I lost the baby. Every "stab" of pain is like a stab in my heart, it feels like.

So, I'm working on moving on, healing, and being thankful for my amazing son that I DO have, and thinking "whatever happens, happens" and leaving the timing of our next child up to God. This one just wasn't meant to be.

While I'm dealing with the hurt of the miscarriage and trying to heal, my heart shatters all over again..

I have two sister in laws, one of whom I have never gotten along with. Although we've remained cordial, gotten along fine in person, attended family functions without any "drama", it isn't much of a secret that I don't really care for her because of numerous reasons. Although it's really not my place, I will be the first to say that she will NOT be a good mother because of choices she has made in the past, and continues to make to this day. In addition to that, she treats my brother in law like crap, and the list continues. The bottom line is she's awful. I feel like I can get along with justttt about everyone in the world except her. Truthfully.

Last fall, we discovered that she had stolen money from us. We were, naturally, upset but there wasn't a whole lot we could do about it. We moved on. However, we were aware that she was desperately trying to conceive a child, and was going to pretty great lengths to make sure that she did conceive. We then discovered that she used the money she stole from us to go to a fertility doctor. Fast forward to recently. Right as we're going through this emotionally tough time, she tells us she is pregnant. Not only is she pregnant, but the reason she is pregnant is because the money she stole from us to pay her awesome fertility doctor with is the visit that ended up getting her pregnant. Faaantastic.

Honestly, I understand to some of you this sounds bitchy, selfish, and a whole lot of other things and that's fine. But the truth is, suffering a miscarriage then finding out your thief of a sister in law is pregnant RIGHT after is like knives in my heart. It honestly feels like God took away my baby and gave it to her. Since we played a part in her getting pregnant (it was our money she used to conceive with, technically) it makes me sick. The timing is even worse. The fact she won't be a good mother is even worse than that. And the list continues.

I'm heartbroken. A part of me wants to try to be happy for her, but because of our past with her I just can't. The other part of me so desperately wishes I wouldn't have lost our baby because then maybe I wouldn't feel like God took away our baby and gave it to her.

Since this has all went down, I suffered another miscarriage (a few days ago). I'm almost positive at this point that I have to just leave it up to God and when the timing is right for us to have a second child, then the timing will be right. We've decided to not even try. Whatever happens, happens. The last thing I want is to get my hopes up SO high that we'll get pregnant...then we get pregnant..suffer a miscarriage and start it over, and over, and over, and over again several times until finally we get pregnant and don't lose the baby. So, we'll just leave it up to God.

It's easier for me to hand over control of things in life to my husband rather than to God for some reason. It's something I've struggled with a lot recently, because I feel like I'm constantly asking myself the question "why would God do this?". If the timing wasn't right, why would I be pregnant at all, only for Him to take the fetus away? I just have so many "why.." questions, and very few (if any) answers.

During the day, I'm fine. I'm able to "heal up and move on" just fine, and go about life as normal for the most part. But when he goes to bed at night and my husband goes to bed, I'm left lying there thinking. And that's where the problems come in. I drive myself crazy grieving the loss. I literally cry until my heart starts to race just so I can feel alive again.

I will get through this, be fine, and then one day it will just be one of those memories in the distant past that I can look back on and say "that made me stronger". But for now I feel weak. I feel lonely. I feel so much hurt I can't even take it. I feel sad. I feel anger.

I just want this all to pass.

Happy St. Patricks Day!

Image courtesy of 123Greety

Have a safe, and great, weekend everyone!

-Chelsea & family

The Spanking Survey

I had a better topic "picked out" for this week, but I got eight (literally) emails asking when I was going to get around to posting this (seeing as how I've had it for about 3 months now) so here you go, everyone. :) I've seen this going around "Blog Land" for awhile, and eventually it got passed along to me by Kaylee. It's been around for years now apparently, and although I think some of the questions are a little dumb, I'll try to answer them. Enjoy.

SPANKING SURVEY

Have you ever gotten spanked?: Is that a serious question?


Are you spanked bare bottomed, over panties, or over clothes?: I've been spanked all 3 ways. 
 
What is the best thing about being spanked?: Probably how close it brings my husband and I (emotionally, and physically) and the fact that it changes my behavior.

What position do you get spanked in?: Laying over the bed.


Have you ever gotten spanked in public?: Not a "full spanking" but I've been "swatted" in public before once or twice.

What do you get spanked with the most?: The paddle.

On a scale of 1-10 how much does the average spanking hurt?: It's all relative to your pain tolerance. Personally, I'd say between a 6-8. 
 
Have you ever been spanked for something you don't feel you deserve?: At the time I didn't think I did, but afterwards I changed my mind once I heard more of his reasonings behind it.

Have you ever gotten spanked with a hairbrush?: Yep, but it's been a long time.

Have you ever been spanked so hard that you started to cry?: Yes.  

Were you spanked as a child?: Yes.

Do you think spanking is fun?: No.

What does the HoH say to you before your spanking?: I get lectured about what I did wrong.

Have you ever gotten spanked for bad driving (speeding ticket, etc)?: Not for a speeding ticket (because I haven't had one in forever) but I have gotten them for other "bad driving" related offenses (texting while driving..things like that).

Have you ever gotten a spanking for no reason at all?: No.
 
Have you ever gotten spanked by a teacher?: Not a teacher, but growing up I attended a private school and the principal was allowed to paddle the students, so yeah, I got that a few times. And I didn't think it was that bad at all.....it stung for like 2 seconds and then my life went on and it was a WAY better alternative to boring detention. Lol.

Is your butt spankable?: ...and that means, what, exactly?

Is spanking your hobbie?: No.

Are you currently in trouble? No. :)

Do you get lectured during the spanking?: Not during, but before and sometimes after I do.

Have you ever seen someone else get spanked?: Yes.

Have you ever gotten spanked for cursing?: No.

Have you ever gotten spanked for lying?: Yes.

Have you ever been spanked with more than one spanking instrument in one spanking session?: Yes. Usually 2, sometimes 3.

Do you hate spankings?: Yes.

How many people spank you?: 1 (my husband).

Have you ever gotten spanked with your butt in the air?: Well, it's not on the ground....
Have you ever gotten spanked so hard you butt was purple?: No.
Do you think that spanking is a good punishment?: It's effective.

Do you believe spanking has made your relationship better, or worse? Better.

Is your butt red and sore afterwards?: Yeah.

Have you ever gotten spanked with a sneaker?: Lol. No.

Have you ever been spanked twice in one day?: I don't remember for sure, but I THINK so.

Have you ever asked to be spanked for something you did wrong?: Only a few times, but yes, I have.
Would you talk about spousal spankings to your friends/family members?: If they asked...

Have you ever gotten you butt caned?: Yeah. (wonderful phrasing yet again)
Do you cry?: Sometimes.
Have you ever gotten spanked with a wooden spoon?: Yep, usually for warm-ups. Not the "actual spanking".

What do you get spanked for?: Breaking any of the "major" rules.
 On average, how many times a month are you spanked?: Probably 1. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

How many swats do you get for the average offense?: I don't count.

Do your friends know that you get spanked?: Most of them do.

On a 1-10 scale, how hard would you get spanked for something serious,such as speeding?: I don't know. That's more of a question for my husband ("how hard would you spank your wife for it?") but I'd say probably a 7 or 8. It would be hard. But I don't think I've ever gotten a spanking that I would rate a 10.

Have you ever gotten your butt belted?: That question could probably be phrased a lot better........ but yeah, I have.
Have you ever gotten your butt paddled?: See above.

After your spanking is over, how long before you repeat the same offense?: A really long time, if ever. Some things I have been spanked for I have never repeated. Some things I've repeated months later.

Does your spouse enjoy spanking you?: No, he'd rather not if he doesn't have to.

When is the last time you got spanked?: A few days ago.

Have you ever spanked yourself? No, I haven't. That can't really be a serious question.

What is the worst thing about being spanked?: Probably knowing I disappointed my husband, and the pain isn't so fun either. The anticipation of it is also awful.
Does anyone aside from your spouse/significant other spank you? No, just my husband.
 
How long does the spanking last?: There isn't really a specific time frame. Just until he wants to stop, I guess. I'm not really sure how he determines the time of it.

What implements are you spanked with?: I've been spanked with my husbands hand, a wooden spoon, a hairbrush, a paddle, a belt, and a cane. But, for the "average spanking" I'm only spanked with a wooden spoon (for the warm-up) and a paddle.

 Do you get spanked hard?: Yes.

Do you like to be spanked?: No. Actually, it's one of the few things in this world that I fear. I hate it. If I liked it, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be effective.

Would you describe yourself as a rule follower, or a rule breaker?: A "rule follower" but that doesn't mean I'm perfect, by any means. I break rules, but not intentionally.



Well, that was interesting. I seriously can't believe I did that. Anyway, there you go everyone.

-Chels

I should have known this time was coming..

Our son is almost 8 months old now (crazy how time flies!). He's starting to mimic everything we do, and although he can't talk yet, I think we would really prefer his first word to not be a curse word, lol.

To be honest, I really don't like the concept of new rules that magically, and out of nowhere, appear. This isn't my husbands fault because it's his right (as my husband, the head of our family, etc) to create rules where he sees fit. But still, I'd be lying if I said it didn't drive me nuts sometimes. I guess I like our rule list the way it is. I didn't want anything added onto it.

I should have known the day was coming when my husband would implement a "no cursing in front of our son" rule. I didn't know that the day would be this week though. It sort of took me by surprise, and even though I 100% agree with the rule, it's going to be a difficult one for me at first. My husband has (thankfully!) been pretty lenient with me in terms of that rule because it's really hard to stop cursing on the drop of a dime, and although I'm really trying, I've definitely had some slip-ups.

I don't curse all the time, and it's not excessive. It's usually when my frustration with something (primarily other peoples driving..) reaches a peak. So, because it's not super frequent, I'm hoping it won't be completely impossible for me to grasp ahold of this new rule (fingers crossed, at least).

This has already been a long week, and I feel like I've been getting in trouble in some form every single day (even though I haven't, that's what it feels like). Needless to say, I'm definitely hoping this new rule catches on in my brain very, very quickly because the last thing I really need right now is to get another spanking.

And, on a happier note...my awesome son can crawl now!! Looks like it's time to really start babyproofing the house!

Have an excellent weekend everyone!!

Chels