Discrimination in DD

Before I start, I want to preface this entry with a couple of things. The first is that my intention is not to make the focus of this post to be about the person losing business, getting hate mail or anything along those lines. For that reason, I have chosen not to name the site I am referring to in the below entry. 


I'm not a "drama person", at all. I hate it. My point behind posting this is to bring awareness to the fact that discrimination exists in domestic discipline and I guess I was completely naive for the fact that I didn't expect it to happen unless the person was waving a red flag to every single person they come across saying "hey, I practice DD!". For the record, although my husband and I are open about DD (meaning we don't go to great lengths to hide the fact it's a part of our marriage) I don't wave that red flag. So before any one person leaves me a comment or sends me an email informing me that me being open about DD is clearly the problem here..it isn't. 


Alright, now, to the story.


As some of you may have noticed, my blog got a mini-makeover this past weekend. I was getting a little tired of the boring plain pink layout, and I wanted something different. As a side note, the one I currently have up is a temporary one until I have time to write an HTML code on my own.


So, when I sat down last weekend to redo my blog, I really didn't have the time to spend 4+ hours (at least) writing the HTML code for it, and doing it myself let alone the hours it would take me to perfect it since I'm a major perfectionist. I just wanted something quick. So, I started browsing around sites of freelance blog designers and came across one I recognized because she had designed some non-DD blogs that I read. 


I sent her an email inquiring on pricing for her to design me a quick blog layout. We emailed back and forth a few times (which you'll see in just a moment) but what I never expected was the end result. I thought the end result would be me paying a few hundred dollars and getting a cool new blog layout. It wasn't.


Below are the actual emails (completely 100% unaltered, other than editing out the name of her site). The emails I sent are in purple and the emails she sent are in green.


Hi Becky,


My name is Chelsea, and I found your website through several friends of mines blogs/websites that you have designed. I was wondering if you had some time in your schedule to code a blog layout for me. I'm not 100% sure what I want, but I'm open to ideas/suggestions. Just something summer-like


Anyway, I love your work. :-) So, if you could please get back with me on a quote for a layout, header, and sidebar title tags that would be awesome. Thank you so much and enjoy your holiday weekend!


-Chelsea


Hey Chelsea!!!!


Thanks for your email and kind words regarding my design services. I would love to put together a price quote for you. Do you have a budget in mind? Also, could you send me a link to your blog currently so I could see approx how many blog entries, photos, links/tags, etc. you have so  I know how much time I would need to transfer everything over, how many sidebar tags you would need and what tabs you want coded? And also, is it hosted on Blogger or Word Press or another platform? I will put together a quote and a few samples you could browse through and let me know if theres anything you like!


Becky


Hi Becky,


I was actually thinking that if you didn't have enough time or if it would cut the cost down any, you don't have to worry about transferring all the entries, photos, etc. over. I can put the code live on the blog and do all that sort of stuff if you just want to code it for me. Whatevers easiest!


My blog is hosted on Blogger, although if you could make the code a general-use one that would be awesome. I am considering buying a domain name and creating my own site in the near future, but I'd like to still keep the blog part platformed with Blogger.


In terms of budget, I don't really have one but I was kind of wanting to keep it under $500 if possible. :-)


The link to my blog is http://www.knowingyourroles.blogspot.com 


Let me know if you need anything else.


Chelsea


Chelsea,


Thanks for the link to your current blog. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to spend the time putting together a quote for you nevertheless be able to create a layout for you.


I looked at your blog and I was appalled. The thought of a man (let alone your husband and someone who is supposed to love, cherish, and protect you from many things especially violence) creating rules and then punishing you like you are some sort of child or animal is sick and my heart hurts for you that you allow this to go on, let alone glamorize it in a blog.


I have never heard of a concept like this but I have to say if my hubby ever put his hands on me, let alone when he was unhappy with me, we would have a big problem. What happens when you decide the fun and games are over and you want a husband, not a disciplinarian? 


I don't know you but as a mother to a mother and a woman to a woman and a wife to a wife I urge you to seek help for your abusive marriage and please stop glamorizing it for others as if this is ok.


So no I won't be having anything to do with your blog other than placing it in a mental folder in my brain of the kind of wife I never want to become.


Please don't contact me again. I want nothing to do with someone who believes men and women aren't equal in a marriage and that a man honestly has the right to punish his wife. Lets face it, at the end of the day, I'm a respected, equal, wife to my husband and you are a doormat who doesn't who apparently doesn't mean much to anyone. 


This is just sick. A part of my heart breaks for you while the other wants to shake and scream at you for believing this is ok.


Becky


So that was it. I did send her one final email just asking if she had anything else to say before I put it up. As of now, she hasn't responded, but if she does, I will edit this post with her response.


You know, when it's all said and done, it's not like this really impacts my life so much. I mean, it's not like a job offer that just went out the window because of DD, or a house, or a preschool for our son or anything that actually matters. I can code my own blog layout, or find someone else to do it for me. I had every single intention of paying several hundred dollars (or more) for someone to code me a blog layout. The fact she passed up the opportunity simply because she thinks I'm a doormat who doesn't mean much to anyone is kinda sad, hurtful, and if she wants to talk about the words appalling and sickening, we can slip this in that folder as well.


The amazing part is when she asked for my blog URL and I responded, I didn't have second thoughts once. It never, ever crossed my mind that "omigosh, it talks about DD, and now she'll know you get punished. So, be careful giving it out to strangers". Not once. I typed it into that email to her as if I was typing a link to Google.com or any other everyday website. I guess I was naive to the fact that anyone would care. I asked her to code me a layout. I didn't ask for her to visit my blog, read everything, then NOT code me a layout and instead respond with a 6 paragraph editorial. 


So the moral of the story here is there are people that disagree with domestic discipline and I'm aware of that. What I was not aware of was how rude some people could be, or how discriminatory. So, lesson learned. Don't be so open about domestic discipline if you don't want to hear what the naysayers think. Got it.


The dilemma of "how open" or "how secretive/private" to be in a DD relationship seems to be a popular one and I don't want this type of thing to sway anyone to one side or the other. My point in posting this is simply to show that if discriminatory comments/emails/opinions can be given in such a low-key forum as this (a blog designer) then it can happen in much bigger ways too.


I'm not a big advocate on being extremely private on domestic discipline (but that's another entry, I guess). But at the same time, be careful who you tell because some people will apparently think you're worthless. 


Lesson learned.