Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Random Sentences About Crying

I want to cry.

It sounds like an odd statement. Usually when someone says that, it's the result of a sad or traumatic event that just occurred. Usually when someone says that, it's followed by "I want to cry because ___" (insert event in the blank). Sometimes when someone says that, it's because of something happy. However, when I typed that above, it was because of none of those things.

I want to cry because it's important in the aftermath of a spanking. Yeah, so if I said that to pretty much anyone on the planet who didn't practice DD or had never heard of DD, their response would be vastly different than I'm sure someone would receive if they stated "I want to cry" because of one of the reasons above.
 
The truth is, I've always struggled with crying. But, it isn't because of anything my husband does. My husband is a "good spanker". It feels kinda funny saying that, but it's true. He is. He knows what he's doing, and the spankings are definitely hard. For some reason though, pain rarely makes me cry. I mean, I gave birth to a child, completely naturally, without shedding a tear. It just doesn't make me cry.
 
I've been told time and time again how important the emotional connection is in the aftermath of a spanking. Yet, no matter how hard I'm spanked, or how badly I feel about something I've done, I can't help but think that crying is a sign of weakness for me. So, I've been working on that. I've been working on letting down those walls and showing emotions to my husband, especially after a spanking. My fear is that, if I don't cry, he won't think it was hard enough or effective enough, which is definitely not the case. 

This doesn't mean, in the several years we've been practicing DD, that I've never cried after a punishment because that's definitely happened. However, does it happen on a regular basis? No. Should it? Probably. Yes. 
 
I feel like, usually, when I get spanked I focus so much on getting him to stop "ow", "okay babe, really, that's good, you can stop now!", etc. and less on the actual pain. It's almost like a mental block. But, I've noticed that the times when I could cry (like this one) it was amazing. It made me feel so much better, it brought my husband and I closer, it released so many emotions and feelings of guilt, and it truly made me more remorseful and less likely to make that mistake that got me in trouble originally again. I miss those feelings, as strange as it sounds.


 
I recently spent about an hour reading C's Loving Domestic Discipline blog entry titled Releasing Those Tears. It examines, in depth, why crying and releasing emotions is so important during punishment. Although I'm still struggling with it a little bit, her entry has greatly helped. I encourage others to check it out if they are experiencing something similar to what I've been going through. It's long, but well worth the read.

I guess we all struggle with something. Hopefully I can update this post soon with the "problem" being fixed. I guess only time will tell. If anyone has any tips or has been through this, I'd love to hear you story!


27 comments:

  1. What if you tried something like not saying any words during a spanking? Since you said you feel you're focussed on getting your husband to stop and have the spanking end, I wonder if that would help you re-focus your attention?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It probably would, you're right. Thanks for the advice.

      -Chelsea

      Delete
  2. Thankyou for this posting it has helped, and I am pleased that I am not the only DD wife who experiences this.

    I know in the past I have fought the tears, I have a very high pain tollerence, my husband is very aware of this and he working this through with me, to help bring down the walls of defence and refusal to let it all go.....


    His Princess

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trust me, you definitely aren't the only wife that experiences this. It's actually REALLY common.

      I have a very high pain tolerance as well, which can make it more difficult.

      I'm glad that your husband is working through it with you, and I hope you both find a solution that works great for you!

      -Chelsea

      Delete
  3. I think for me personaly lecturing is very benificial, it needs to be the right words and recently my husband has been studying me closely before, during, and after spanking. He is studying my body language to acertain my levels of submission, if he sees that I am not submissive he will pause and lecture me again- we have only been practicing DD for 2 months and so we are learning too. He is very patient with me, and he studys me so that he can gage what to do, and how to do it. I have often said to my husband its not the spanking which causes my tears to flow, although believe me they hurt, its the words you use, and how you use them.

    As with everything its a step by step process, and I find discussing it (respectfuly) with my husband has helped both me and him.

    As a Psychology Graduate I enjoyed C's posting very much.


    His Princess

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As much as I hate the lecturing part, I agree that it's very beneficial. Sounds like your husband "has it down". Hopefully it's helping you both!

      C's post is great, I agree.

      -Chelsea

      Delete
  4. I'm still trying to process that "you gave birth completely natural and didn't shed a tear". I had C-sections.... and had epidurals .... and cried harder than the baby did when they came out! Lol.

    Everyone is different of course, but like HP above, It isn't always the spanking itself that makes me cry. It is about the lecture and talk before that determines if, and how hard, I cry. My husband is good at knowing just what to say. He can make me feel ashamed of my actions fairly quickly. A lot of times I'm crying before the punishment has even started. This has only happened once or twice, but he has actually changed his mind on a spanking simply because I was so remorseful and sobbing over his lecture. He felt like he had already accomplished the result that he was looking for ... So why go any further.
    Sure wish this would happen more often

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol, honestly, I think I had just totally prepared myself for the pain to be like the worst ever, and it wasn't. Everyone, throughout my entire pregnancy (and even before) kept telling me "oh, labor is AWFUL", "worst pain ever" "chels you will be in so much pain" etc. etc. etc. and so I was expecting the worst. My labor was like 18 hours, and I honestly didn't think it was that bad, lol. I'd say maybe a 4 on a 1-10 scale.

      I agree, it isn't usually JUST the spanking that can make someone cry (especially those with high pain tolerances). I think I've cried a time or two before the spanking started, but it isn't frequent.

      That's great that your husband has stopped before..I wish that would happen in my marriage more often too! :-)

      -Chelsea

      Delete
  5. I always cry - well 99% of the time i cry during or after a punishment. Once i have even cried before it started because he pulled out an implement that is just awful and i do my level best to avoid it.
    Does your hubby lecture you before hand? Maybe a telling off and corner time and lecture first would do the trick for you...
    I am sure you will find a "fix" for your problem....i sure think that crying helps - but maybe you are just one of those people who dont cry - relax (as best you can) about it and go with the flow - see what happens
    good luck, let us know how it goes
    hugs kiwi xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's great that you always cry! You're part of an elite group, lol. A lot of women struggle with crying so whenever I hear of someone who doesn't I always want to give them a high-five because I really do think it's awesome. :-)

      My husband always lectures before hand. I hate lectures, but I understand why they're necessary and I can admit that they really do help!

      Your suggestions are great, thanks!
      -Chelsea

      Delete
  6. I really enjoyed reading this because i can relate so much to those feelings. I hardly ever cry from a spanking and sometimes i feel like i really need to but just cant. It sounds like being aware of the issue is really helping you, good luck :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trust me, you totally aren't alone. :-)

      -Chelsea

      Delete
  7. Don't cry in front of your husband. Husbands get really irritated with crying women. That's what you have girlfriends for. :-)

    My recommendation? When you have had it up past your eyeballs with your husband, play Rachmaninoff's Prelude in C-Sharp Minor on the piano if you're a pianist. If you're not a pianist, buy a CD that contains this piece (I recommend a good Van Cliburn CD, he is a very good Rachmaninoff interpreter). It can really get the fight-or-flight response out of you and it'll be a heck of a lot more comfortable for your backside.

    I would bite my lips and endure it. Always said I was sorry and asked forgiveness. Sometimes I really had to struggle to not cry. As soon as I could get away, then I would huddle in a corner and cry then if I really, really had to. I was usually in angry miserable tears. I kept away until I was under complete control. Sometimes that took a couple hours. It really depended on a lot of factors. If I felt like I was going to burst if I couldn't cry, I would tell him afterward that I was sorry and please may I go now. I was very formal and very polite and cold when I would ask: "I'm sorry, I apologize for being disrespectful, please take your hands off me and let me go." He always would; I said it in exactly that way so it was respectful as I could possibly make it. Then I would run off and away to cry and get angry or whatever I needed to do.

    But I deeply resented him, so this is probably not something you folks can relate to. I'm in process of building a happier, better life as a single Mom with my six awesome wonderful children. And I am much happier now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband doesn't get irritated when I cry in front of him. However, thank you for your advice. I'll have to check into the Rachmaninoff's Prelude that you recommended- thanks!

      I'm glad that you're much happier now. Some of the earlier comments that you've left on my blog (and others) were really sad, and my heart breaks for what you have went through. It truly makes me happy that you are happier now. :-)

      -Chelsea

      Delete
  8. We are just beginning, but one of my biggest concerns is the ability to cry & let go. I want that 'catharsis' I've read about.
    I also have a high pain threshold & have expressed concern about crying being a sign of weakness for me.

    It seems like a majority of women that enter into dd relationships (self included) are strong, educated, professional women with careers in leadership, management & medical.

    I know, in general when I know something is gonna hurt emotionally or physically I put a wall up & I'm adamant that it won't be penetrated.
    Maybe if there is a longer period of time between learning that u will be spanked & actually receiving the punishment? Maybe that would provide time for your initial coping mechanisms to disapate?
    Like I said, I'm new to this, but this is of interest to me because I have the same concerns.

    I love ur blog, I wish u luck & I'm very interested to see what will work for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome to DD. :-) I think, in the beginning especially, crying can really be a struggle. I wish I had some advice for you, but as you can see, I struggle with the same issue, lol.

      In the past I've done the same thing regarding putting up the "walls" that you're referring to. I really tried not to though, but it just came naturally sometimes.

      Thanks for the advice, and welcome to DD. :-)

      -Chelsea

      Delete
  9. A lot of people are not criers. I never cry when spanked. Some people are just not that lachrymose. It is best not to get too hung up on the idea of crying, because it doesn't happen for some people.

    ReplyDelete
  10. We just started DD and I have only cried once, the first time I had a punishment spanking. Since then I think my husband is getting lighter in the area of stroke severity. I don't know how to explain to him that I probably need something a little longer and more painful with some bedroom time before hand to prepare myself. If I explain it will he think I am trying to teach him, thereby being controlling? I think the bruises left after the first punishment kind if scared him, even though they don't phase him at all. I did mention the idea of a warm up but he said that he didn't believe in that for a punishment. So I guess I might just have to print out some blogs and slip it on his desk? Suggestions?

    ReplyDelete
  11. I meant "don't phase me" they obviously do phase him :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm a huge fan of spy novels and tv shows (like m-i5). Did you know that often when spies are chosen for assignments where there cover has a higher chance of being blown, women are generally picked because they have a higher pain tolerance than men? I thought it was interesting anyways :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I definitely think the words are the key. I cry when I'm (1) frustrated, (2) misunderstood (and frustrated), and feeling sorry fir myself. If your husband has told you why you are being spanked and you've agreed and are cooperating, it's harder to feel those 3 things. I suppose I may sometimes cooperate with an unfair spanking, and then I'd cry for reasons 1 and 2. I mean, do I have any other real option? In DD, I will be spanked eventually, so I may cooperate without being fully on board with the punishment, just to avoid an extra disobedience duscipline. That leaves feeling sorry for myself, most of the time. I can imagine feeling sorry for getting myself in a punishment situation, and if he lectures about that, I think that will lead to tears. Yay!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Chelsea...I couldn't help but notice that on twitter, you mention both pain and crying. So, you aren't unable to cry. You just don't typically cry from a spanking. As a therapist, I find in most cases, people will get the urge to cry ONLY WHEN THEY NEED TO! My advice is, don't focus too much on this crying thing. It feels, based on the blogs, somehow more important to Clint than it does to you. And as a therapist, I seriously object to his " it's probably because the wife is being defiant, you aren't spanking hard enough, or she has nerve damage" comment! Most women can take a huge amount of physical pain and are amazingly, unlike a baby, able to control themselves. I think tears will come for you when its right, but you also have to let them when they do. When they don't, if you force it, it won't have the power of release.
    BTW, I also participate in DD, and have difficulty crying, but when I quit trying to force it to come, it happened more often, and again, I think, only when necessary.
    Hope you are feeling better!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am posting under my husbands name but....Last night we started out with spanking. I'm feeling very frustrated because there was not crying and when I stood up afterwards my body language said I was about to punch him although I had no desire to. I wasn't angry I was confused. I could tell he was frustrated that he didn't get the reaction he was looking for. I very much want to give in totally to him. I have always been the more dominate one in the relationship and we both want that to change. It hurt and I have bruises, I felt nothing I should have felt. I feel like I let him down but also sadly I feel very let down as well. Any advice?

    ReplyDelete
  16. I know this post is old and I'm sure you have figured things out but I just recently started crying during spankings. After two months of hard long spankings with hardly a tear, I have begun crying literally five swats in and what has changed...position. between the pain and lack of control, I have began to lose it. It has made spankings shorter and ten times more effective. It involves (without too much personal detail) having to arch my back before each swat. Out of reflex I go to move and he kindly stops until I'm back exactly where I was...It has made a huge difference all around.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I haven't been spanked many times at all yet but I did cry after one of them. I have a tendency to laugh when nervous and H was in full Dom mode and punished me for it. It made me cry because it shocked me a little and it was the first time I had seen him really take it seriously. It did also make me feel good afterwards and I found out later that it had made him extremely happy because although I had cried and it had hurt, I had still trusted him enough to carry on until it was over. This made him feel really good and in turn made me feel that I had behaved like a proper sub without even thinking about it.

    I'm not a ready crier either and can take a fair amount of pain but I do find being spanked cathartic and crying enhances that for me. xx

    ReplyDelete
  18. I know I've come into the conversation late, so I don't even know if anybody will see this. My husband and I have the long talk beforehand. I'm sure you know the one, "Do you understand why I have to punish to? Blah blah blah." Which always makes me feel incredibly guilty. God, that man has a way with words! But doesn't necessarily make me cry right away. But if he says he's disappointed in me, it's all over. Making him angry, I can handle. Worrying him hits me in the gut and I do eventually cry over that one, but disappointment is instant tears.

    ReplyDelete