I want to cry.
It sounds like an odd statement. Usually when someone says that, it's the result of a sad or traumatic event that just occurred. Usually when someone says that, it's followed by "I want to cry because ___" (insert event in the blank). Sometimes when someone says that, it's because of something happy. However, when I typed that above, it was because of none of those things.
I want to cry because it's important in the aftermath of a spanking. Yeah, so if I said that to pretty much anyone on the planet who didn't practice DD or had never heard of DD, their response would be vastly different than I'm sure someone would receive if they stated "I want to cry" because of one of the reasons above.
The truth is, I've always struggled with crying. But, it isn't because of anything my husband does. My husband is a "good spanker". It feels kinda funny saying that, but it's true. He is. He knows what he's doing, and the spankings are definitely hard. For some reason though, pain rarely makes me cry. I mean, I gave birth to a child, completely naturally, without shedding a tear. It just doesn't make me cry.
I've been told time and time again how important the emotional connection is in the aftermath of a spanking. Yet, no matter how hard I'm spanked, or how badly I feel about something I've done, I can't help but think that crying is a sign of weakness for me. So, I've been working on that. I've been working on letting down those walls and showing emotions to my husband, especially after a spanking. My fear is that, if I don't cry, he won't think it was hard enough or effective enough, which is definitely not the case.
This doesn't mean, in the several years we've been practicing DD, that I've never cried after a punishment because that's definitely happened. However, does it happen on a regular basis? No. Should it? Probably. Yes.
I feel like, usually, when I get spanked I focus so much on getting him to stop "ow", "okay babe, really, that's good, you can stop now!", etc. and less on the actual pain. It's almost like a mental block. But, I've noticed that the times when I could cry (like
this one) it was amazing. It made me feel so much better, it brought my husband and I closer, it released so many emotions and feelings of guilt, and it truly made me more remorseful and less likely to make that mistake that got me in trouble originally again. I miss those feelings, as strange as it sounds.
I recently spent about an hour reading
C's Loving Domestic Discipline blog entry titled Releasing Those Tears. It examines, in depth, why crying and releasing emotions is so important during punishment. Although I'm still struggling with it a little bit, her entry has greatly helped. I encourage others to check it out if they are experiencing something similar to what I've been going through. It's long, but well worth the read.
I guess we all struggle with something. Hopefully I can update this post soon with the "problem" being fixed. I guess only time will tell. If anyone has any tips or has been through this, I'd love to hear you story!
