Asking To Be Spanked

The dilemma of whether or not to go to your husband and ask to be punished is one of the hardest things in a DD marriage, in my opinion. I think a lot of us struggle with this topic in some form, and it's a question I've gotten frequently (most recently just a few days ago). With her permission, I posted the most recent email I've gotten asking the ever-so-popular question of "should you ask to be spanked"?  I felt, since this something a lot of us have struggled with (myself included) at one point or another, this entry may help a lot of people.

Dear Chelsea,

I found your blog last month and have been hooked ever since. Both you and your husbands blogs have been so helpful to our marriage. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and using Domestic Discipline for just over 1. I was writing to ask your advice on a topic I've been struggling a lot with lately, which is how to ask my husband (or if i even should be asking my husband) to spank me.

To cite a recent example, one of the items on our rule list is to not have any  accounts of any type that each other doesn't have prior knowledge of. Well, I had broken that rule by signing up for a PayPal account in order to ease my online shopping habits. I had it linked to our checking account, and needless to say, it has caused a big financial mess. When my husband discovered this, he was understandably angry. He yelled, then gave me the silent treatment for days, then when he was done, he "reset" himself and all went back to normal. There was no lecture, no punishment, no closure of any type, really.

Situations similar to this have happened over the course of the year we have been implementing Domestic Discipline in our marriage and I just feel almost like he is picking and choosing when to practice Domestic Discipline. When he acts like everything is fine (and, to me, it isn't) it is hard for me to deal with. Is it ok, normal, accepted, etc. to ask him to punish me if i really think it will help, or should I let it go because he did?

Thanks in advance,

Heidi



Dear Heidi,

I'm so glad both my husband and I's blogs have been helpful to you and your husband! Thanks for your email, and I'll do my best to answer your question.

First, you aren't alone (at all) in struggling with this. I've struggled with the same thing before, as have many other DD wives. One of the awesome things about domestic discipline is the sense of resolution to a problem that it brings both parties invovled. As much as I hate being spanked, I can admit that afterwards I feel totally forgiven, cherished, loved, and that the slate has been wiped clean. Those feelings are hard to achieve in a situation where your husband just handles things on his own (like giving you the silent treatment, then just moving on like in your case) and you're left stranded. I totally understand that and it's a problem I've faced a few times as well.

I don't think any wife wants to be spanked, and that's where a lot of wives have a hang-up about asking. It's extremely difficult (for me, at least) to go to my husband and say "Honey, I think I need to be punished for _____". When this situation arises with me, I want the aftermath of a spanking (in terms of closure, not in terms of my butt being on fire, lol) without experiencing the actual spanking, but I think we can all admit that's a very, very difficult thing to achieve one without the other. When you're thinking of saying to your husband "I think I need to be spanked" what you're really conveying, in my opinion, is "Instead of you just saying everything is fine, and moving on, I want to know that you forgive me, and I want to feel that closure to the argument/issue/problem/fight (whatever it was) that we had".

With me, usually the guilt of whatever I did wrong can only be erased by being punished (whether that's spanking, or something else) and I think that's the same with a lot of other women as well. I rarely ask my husband to punish me, but that doesn't mean I haven't in the past, or wouldn't in the future. I don't think there's anything wrong, or abnormal, about doing so but here's what I would recommend doing..

The first thing is to understand that if you do end up getting punished, because you technically asked for it, you kinda have to just cooperate at that point. What I mean by that is you can't really be like "honey, I think I deserve a spanking" and then, once you're actually in position to be spanked, suddenly change your mind and start trying to get out of it. Not only will this probably really piss off your husband, but it will make things worse. So, step 1 is to make sure you're prepared to actually get spanked. In order to get those results you want afterwards, it kind of has to happen. :(

As far as actually asking, I find the quicker you do it the better. Since I have some sort of mental hang-up by just coming right out and asking my husband, I usually just start by telling him how sorry I am for the infraction, and how guilty I feel. Then, transition that into how you're feeling (that you're upset he yelled at you, you don't feel closure, etc...however it is you're feeling toward the situation) and then end with something like "I just feel like, because we've chosen to practice domestic discipline in our marriage, it shouldn't be a 'on and off' thing. I don't want to be spanked, but I also don't want to deal with the effects of feeling guilty, or feeling like this problem hasn't fully been solved. In addition, I definitely don't want to ever make this mistake again, and I don't think you want me to either".

This sort of "opens the door" for you to be punished. In some ways, this sucks but in a lot of ways, it's really helpful. This way is more of a "feelings conversation" but it's a lot easier to do, in my opinion, then just come right out and ask him to spank you.

The bottom line is nothing you're feeling is out of the ordinary. I think all wives, at some point in their marriage, have wished their husbands wouldn't be so inconsistent with the rules/consequences, or would punish them so that they get that sense of the slate being wiped clean.

I hope this helps you, and others!

-Chelsea

If anyone else has any questions on the topic (or anything else), feel free to email me or comment. I'd love to hear them!

The Versatile Blogger Awards!

I'm so thankful to have been nominated by a few different people for the Versatile Blogger Award! A major thank you. I'm extremely appreciative and honored!

Here's the rules:

Thank the award giver and link back to them on your post.
Share 7 things about yourself.
Pass this award along to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.
Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

Ok, well because I'm not great at following the rules (like, ever! Although I have managed to go over 2 weeks without getting in trouble. Is there an award for that!?) I already broke the first one. I didn't link back everyone, but those who nominated me will definitely be in my 15-blogs list at the end of this post.

Seven Things About Me:

1: I love football. College football is my favorite (hook 'em horns!!!!) but I like NFL too. I also like college basketball, hockey, baseball, etc.

2: I love reality TV shows, even though my husband points out on a weekly basis how lame they are. I watch a ton of them (Top Chef, The Real Housewives of NJ and Atlanta, Sister Wives, 19 Kids and Counting, X-Factor, American Idol, etc). It's my way of relaxing (that's how I justify it, at least..lol).

3: I only drink water. Occasionally (like once a month) I'll drink smoothies, lemonade, or Starbucks..but on a day to day basis..just water. My husband, however, has an addiction to soda so we always have it in the house (even though I think it's gross, lol).

4: The last movie we saw in theaters was Tower Heist (and it was actually pretty good). Before that, we hadn't been to the movies since like May..but we used to go all the time. We love movies.

5: We love traveling! I've traveled majority of the world (everywhere in North America and Europe, Australia, majority of the caribbean, a couple places in South America and Asia, etc). My favorite place is Fiji, and I'm absolutely dying to go to Tahiti.

6: I went to The University of Texas for college, and grad school. I'm a big Texas Longhorn fan, and I pretty much think Texas is the greatest state ever (well, one of them at least). Austin will always hold an extremely special spot in my heart.

7: I can't even put into words how grateful I am for my husband and our son. They complete me.

Fifteen Of My Favorite Blogs:

It's so hard to pick just 15, but here we go.

1) Learning Domestic Discipline. Not just 'cause it's my husbands blog, but because I really think it's an awesome source of information for people of all DD-levels. I'm extremely proud of my husband for all the work he's put into it, and all the people he's helped along the way. He truly is everything to me, and I'm so blessed.

2) Red Booty Woman. Christina's sense of humor is awesome, and I love her Dear HOH entries. I love the way she writes and I'm proud to call her a friend of ours.

3) Rogue's Awakening. We actually had the pleasure of meeting Rogue and her husband a few weeks ago, and they are terrific people. I love reading her blog because they practice DD very similarly to the way we do, and she's such a sweetheart. Oh, and she gives awesome housewarming gifts!!!

4) Trying to Learn, Learning to Try. Kay's blog is full of awesome advice (I love her latest entry Answering a Readers Question) and I always feel like I walk away from her blog gaining something.

5) The Captain and His First Mate. His First Mate's blog is actually one of the first domestic discipline blogs I began reading! She (along with my husband) kind of pulled me into "blog land". I love how her posts always tell a story. They're entertaining to read.

6) Confessions of a Spanked Army Wife. I've been reading Jessica's blog for awhile now, and I'm thankful to have gotten to know her recently. She's an incredibly strong woman, and her strength comes out in each of her posts. She's someone we can all learn something from, and a great person to talk to.

7) CDD For Life? Pooky's Story. Pooky's blog is wonderful, and I love reading it because of how real it is. I can relate to her in a lot of DD ways, and her approach to writing is awesome. I could spend hours reading her blog. Oh, and I love her blog layout!

8) Shelter in the Storm. I love all of Stormy's post, but my favorite is her Stormy's Panty Factory post. There's something about Stormy's blog that just makes you want to keep coming back and reading more (and more, and more). Her sense of humor, mixed with her incredible talent to tell DD into a story, makes her blog totally worth reading.

9) Lasey's Lane. I've gotten to know Lasey a little more over the past few weeks (thanks to the DD Social Network) and I adore both her, and her husband. I think Lasey gives excellent advice, and I think her DD The Right Choice for Me But Not For Everyone is one of the best entries I've seen on any DD blog.

10) N & C and DD. C's blog is full of poems, music videos, DD entries, "vanilla" entries, all kinds of stuff. I love the variety of what she posts. She is a great person to chat with, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to get to know her over the past few months. I'm looking forward to meeting her and her husband soon (now that we live semi-near each other!) to congratulate them on their big baby news in person!!! :)

11) Diving in With Domestic Discipline. Lisa's blog is relatively new to "blog land" but I love checking it out. Her writing style is awesome, and her real approach to DD really highlights the ups, and downs, of the lifestyle. On top of it all, she has a fantastic personality.

12) Husbandly Touch. There aren't many blogs out there written from the husband's perspective, and that's just one of the reasons why I enjoy reading Mick's blog. I think is blog is a great resource for other HoH's and his sense of humor is awesome. Definitely worth reading, whether you're a man or a woman.

13) Composing Us. I absolutely love how she writes, and I feel like I can relate to her in a lot of ways. I've never chatted with her, but I'd love to get the opportunity to one day. Her blog encompasses a lot of great DD points, it's funny, and it's relevent to a lot of DD lifestyles now days, including mine. I always laugh at least once while reading her latest entries. :)

14) Her Mischief Managed. Susie's blog is full of great information. I think her post Before and After DD is genius, and so true. Her way of writing really draws you in. Hers is one of the few DD blogs I've found where she really puts her feelings out there, whether it's an upside of DD, or a downside, and I love the honesty and reality behind her posts.

15) A Look Inside DD. Brinlee's blog is private, but if you can get an invite to it, it's totally worth reading. She has been practicing DD for a long time, and she's one of the more experienced DD bloggers that I've seen (I think she's had a blog for over 3 years now). I love how both her, and her husband, share their DD perspectives, and her punishment diary entries are often pretty creative. On top of it all, she's one of my best friends. So, don't be surprised if you see my name come up sometimes in her posts- we tend to get in trouble together often, lol.

Those 15 blogs are in no particular order, but there you have it. There's 15 of my favorite blogs. These aren't all the DD blogs I read, or all the ones I like, but they are definitely 15 of my favorite. All of them are worth checking out and adding to your reading list.

-Chelsea

Under Construction!

Knowing Your Roles is getting a new look!! :)

So, if you visit between today and tomorrow it may look a little "off" until it's all done. I'm going to try to get it done tonight, but who knows.

Thanks for your patience!

We made it!

Well, we made it! Road trip is over and we are HERE!

It was a long 5-day drive. A really, really long 5-day drive. I'm pretty sure we drove through some of the most boring parts of this country (Wyoming=awful) but we made it!



Along the way, we stopped numerous times (welcome to the world of having a 4 month old who, by the way, did AMAZING on our little cross country trek). We got to see some friends of ours in Kansas City that my husband hadn't seen in years. We also got to meet Jared and Rogue from Rogue's Awakening! Talk about 2 of the nicest people we had met in a long time! It was almost like we'd known each other forever. We talked about everything you could think of, and everything felt completely comfortable. Clint and I are both really looking forward to getting together with them again soon.



I managed to do pretty well behavioral wise throughout our little 5-day trip, probably because I was so sore from all the spankings I endured before we left Utah. I know I've stated this before, but seriously, road-tripping while you're sore is an awful, awful, awful idea.



Now that we've arrived at our "final destination" we're staying with some extended family of mine until we can close on our new house (around the first week of December). Although we have a LOT of our own space here, it's still nervewracking to see if Clint would spank me here, when we aren't in our own house. Lets just say..I don't intend to find out. Ever.

Road trips suck..

...when you're sore. :(

Over the weekend (well, from Saturday to Tuesday) I managed to get in trouble upwards of 5 times. Prior to that, I hadn't been in trouble in about 4 months. Talk about awful timing, since we left Wednesday for a cross country road trip/move.

I don't know what got into me. I don't know if I was "testing the rules", just going through a phase (and a bad one at that) or simply wasn't thinking. I think it's a good combination of all 3, the more I think about it.

The past couple months my husband had let up on the rules a little bit. Not a ton, but enough to where it changed my perception of what I would and wouldn't get in trouble for. When he began "cracking down again" the results definitely weren't in my favor.

I deserved each of the spanking I got, and the offenses were definitely serious, but I still really regret it. I don't think there is ever really a "good time" to get in trouble but there's definitely a bad time and this was it. Who gets in trouble this much before a 4-day road trip? That would probably be only me.

I'm definitely feeling the consequences. :(

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Love Our Lurkers Day!

I've been traveling all day, so I apologize I'm a little late participating in LOL (Love Our Lurkers) Day!



I'm excited to get to know all my readers, so feel free to say hi in the comments or send me an email!

-Chelsea

To the person in Buffalo, New York who I will allow to remain anonymous out of fairness

In life, there are going to be times when you disagree with people. There are going to be times when you think an idea is so crazy that you can't even wrap your head around it. It's how you handle these situations that show your character.

I actually don't have any issue with people who disagree with practicing domestic discipline within a marriage. My statement to them is really, really, really simple though: don't do it. Easy. If you think it's the most barbaric thing you've ever heard of, then don't do it. WHY someone would continually stalk (literally, stalk) someones domestic discipline blog (and no, this statement is not about my blog..) if they so adamantly disagree with it is completely mind blowing. In addition, WHY someone would claim they can tell everything about a person by one, seemingly small (but important) aspect of their marriage is also mind blowing.

I have a masters degree in pre-med and psychology. I am BEYOND aware of the definition of abuse. I really can't even tell you how many credit hours of courses I've taken that deal with abuse. I literally cannot understand how someone could consider a consensual, loving, and the list goes on...thing like domestic discipline as abuse IF IT IS DONE CORRECTLY.

I understand being against domestic discipline. It isn't for everyone. There are so many misconceptions about it out there it's not even funny. I think there are a lot of women (actually, men too..) out there who are jealous that they cannot (for whatever reason) have something like this in their marriage. I know that sounds odd, but until you try it, you'll never know.

I'm totally rambling, and I know that. This is the post of completely unorganized thoughts. But, there's a certain person in Buffalo, New York who royally sucks at covering up their spamming and stalking tracks (even while posting "annonymously") and this blog entry is being dedicated to you. Congratulations! You are getting the attention you so desperately seek. And, I have no problem doing it because I want you to see how ridiculously happy I am, despite you thinking I'm some abused housewife who lives with the worst man in the world. You have no idea how great my life is. None. Every single thing you think you know about me, and my family, is wrong.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to break out of my shell. I've never been one that's been open to talking about be getting punished, but I figure why not just do it? Domestic discipline is hard, there are things that suck about it..but it makes my marriage great. So why not just be 100% open about it? And, it's going to drive my pal in Buffalo, New York completely crazy, make them think even more that I'm totally abused, and that's ok. Because, deep down, they know they would give anything to be able to find a life like I have.

I'm happy. I'm loved. I'm not anywhere near abused. I think my marriage is probably one of the best in the world. I think I'm beyond blessed.

The moral of the story: If you disagree with domestic discipline, awesome. There's a whole list of things in the world I don't agree with. Let it go. You're fighting a losing battle. There is no possible way on planet earth that ANY DD wife is going to stumble upon one of your "your husband is a sick spanko, you're an abused wife, and you're a piece of shit" comments and be like "oh my God, this stranger on the internet is right!! We must immediately get rid of domestic discipline". 

Just treat people with respect. My marriage containing domestic discipline as a small aspect of it is not hurting you, I promise. Actually, it isn't effecting your life at all. You need to find happiness, and I'm sorry that you haven't. I'm being 100% genuine when I say that I feel bad for you, and I feel bad for the fact that you have nothing else, or no one else, in your life to focus on and instead you devoute hours a day to reading, stalking, spamming, etc. blogs on a topic you clearly disagree with, and/or, are completely uneducated on.

I will talk to you, listen to you, and treat you with respect if you ever have any legit, and respectful, questions.

Sincerely,

Chelsea