It's the Little Things That Matter Most

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Happy New Year everyone! It feels like forever since I've wrote on our blog. We have some really exciting things in store for 2013, especially when it comes to Learning DD. Our site, forums, and network are continuing to grow each day and we are loving getting to meet so many new people who share in "this thing we do" with us. 

If you're new to Learning Domestic Discipline, I first want to welcome you, and I secondly want to let you know that this isn't the typical style of entry that we post. 99% of what is on this blog, and our site, is domestic discipline related. However, this entry is more marriage/relationship (only) related, and not necessarily domestic discipline. I hope you all don't mind if I still share it. :) 

A week or so ago I was browsing around on Facebook (which is a site that I rarely ever "browse around on", by the way, but since someone "tagged" our son in some photos from Christmas, I naturally wanted to go look at them) and noticed this story going around. I'll warn you now that, although it appears on all the "investigative sites" I've visited that this is a true story, obviously I can't be certain since I don't know the person who wrote it. However, I still think it's worth sharing. It's a story about a married couple, and like I said, although it has nothing to do with domestic discipline, there are some important elements which I think all couples can take from it (and we can talk about those after). 

Without further ado, here is the story:

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. If you are not in a relationship now, remember this for the second (or third) time around. It's never too late."

Powerful stuff, right? After reading this, your reaction may have been the same as mine at first - something similar to "how could you not know your wife had cancer?" However, this post is a lot deeper than that and the "moral" of it goes far beyond that. I'd like for you to consider the following thoughts:

1. Always be honest with your spouse. I'm sure some of you are thinking "yeah, duh" but seriously think about this. Are you always honest? Not only about the "big stuff", but about your feelings? I think, a lot of times, so many of us answer "I'm fine" to the question "how are you?", but very rarely are we ever when we answer that. I'm guilty of it, and I know a lot of others are also. It's important to be honest about your feelings with your spouse (or partner), always. They deserve to know how you're feeling. In the article above, there was a lot of dishonesty, things being hidden, or feelings being suppressed. Granted the outcome was probably much bigger than something any of you all will ever experience, but it still makes you step back and think "how often am I truly honest with my spouse about my feelings, emotions, and thoughts?"
2. Nothing should come before, or in place of, your spouse (except your children, or God, if those apply to you) in my opinion. Once again, I'm sure a lot of you are like "yep, I got that too" and on a bigger scale, you probably do. Bigger things like infidelity (like in the above article) probably aren't occurring in your relationship (at least I really hope not..) but I think it is often times too easy to put things like work, school, technology, sports, friends, etc. ahead of your spouse. I'm not saying those things aren't important, but if it is causing you to be withdrawn from your relationship/marriage it is a problem. In the above story, the husband was so withdrawn from his own marriage (due to the affair he was having) that he was completely in the dark as to his wife's health or feelings. I think it's important, in the day to day life, to remember to always take time out for your marriage whether that's something like a date night every now and again, a night "unplugged" (turn your phone and computers off and just be with each other) or just spending time really communicating/talking with each other. I think a lot of people will be amazed at how withdrawn they really are from their marriage/spouse, even if it doesn't seem like it at first.
3. Remember why you fell in love in the beginning. Marriage, and relationships, take a lot of work and there will be trials/tribulations along the way. That's life, and that's something that domestic discipline may help to lower, but it will never completely resolve any form of conflict to ever arise within your relationship. However, I think it's really important, in those moments of conflict, to remember why you fell in love in the first place. What drew you to your spouse? Yeah, he/she may have really made you mad today, but what do you love about them? I'm aware that, especially in times of tension/anger, it can be hard to remember that, or it can be something that you don't care about. But if you begin to approach drama, conflict, and anger after remembering why you fell in love with your partner in the first place, there's a great chance your overall demeanor would be different. 

       Awhile back, on a 5 Things entry, I shared with everyone what I think is        a genius idea. Because it pretty much directly relates to #3 of the above list. 

On your wedding day (if you aren't married), your anniversary, or another special day, you and your loved one write letters to each other (explaining why you fell in love with the person, whatever else you want to say...you get the idea) and then take a bottle of wine, a gift card to somewhere you love...something that you guys enjoy, and put the letters and the object in a box, and seal it up (then, place the box somewhere out of sight, like underneath your bed). Then, on your first big fight (or, really any heated argument), take time to yourselves and calm down, then open the box together and read the letters, drink the wine, make the dessert, watch the movie (whatever you put in there) and it will help you remember why the two of you fell in love in the first place. 

Sorry to sidetrack from the usual domestic discipline entries, but I felt the above was important information to share.

I hope that everyone is having a great start to 2013! 

-Chelsea