Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!!!

We hope everyone has a safe New Years Eve and a wonderful 2012!!!

Love,

Chelsea and family

(also- I'll get caught up on answering everyones emails and comments by Monday, hopefully!)

2011 Recap!

I can't believe this year is coming to an end already!

In 2011, I....

*Had a baby! My gorgeous son was born in July of 2011 and he is perfect. I had no idea I could love someone that much.

*Moved across the country. With an infant.

*Got spanked (probably more than in 2010, come to think of it).

*Started this blog. :)

*Bought a house (and then walked through the Worlds Largest Furniture Store to furnish it). And yes, it literally was the worlds largest.

*Had to give away our dogs (because of the move). One of the hardest things i've had to do in a long time, but they went to an amazing family, and we keep in touch.

*Realized the true definition of family, and loyalty.

*Started watching X-Factor (go Josh!)

*Learned how to make Thai food!

*Got a new car (that I totally love).

*Went through boot camp (again).

*Celebrated our adorable niece's first birthday.

*Followed the Casey Anthony trial from beginning to end and was extremely pissed and disappointed with the final verdict.

*Helped my husband write a book!

*Introduced a random stranger at my hair salon to DD.

*Painted my toe nails with pink sharpie markers thinking it would be a good form of "everlasting nail polish". Awful, awful, awful idea. Don't try it.

*Realized the importance of crying during a spanking, and the importance of fearing one.

*Experienced silent spanking for the first time (and how much it sucked).

*Celebrated my husband and I's 4-year anniversary and was reaffirmed, yet again, how amazing he is.

*Went to Las Vegas!

*Realized how much I used to take sleep for granted!

*Started the DD Social Network and met some amazing people.

*Got to meet another amazing blogger, Rogue and her husband! Talk about amazingly sweet people.

*Went on a road trip that took 5 days, over 2,500 miles, a few amazing stops, and lots of awesome memories.

*Discovered that I'm highly addicted to eBay.

*Saw U2 in concert and it was probably the best concert I've ever been to. They were amazing.

*Realized how blessed I am.


From my family to yours, happy holidays! We hope you all had a happy 2011 and a wonderful, safe, and blessed 2012!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Disagreeing With Punishment

What do you do when your husband deals out a punishment that you deem is totally unfair?

This topic seems to come up at least once (often more) in almost every marriage where DD is practiced. It's happened to me, and although it doesn't happen often, when it does- it can be hard to deal with.

First things first, there are about a billion wrong ways to handle the situation. There may not be a clear "right way", but I guarantee you there are a LOT of wrong ways. Things like accepting the punishment then giving your husband the cold shoulder for a week afterwards isn't going to solve anything. Either is completely lashing out, and making the situation worse.

So, should you "obey", and cooperate when your husband hands out a punishment that you don't agree with? Well, here's my take.

Do you not agree with it because...

It's unfair? If so, examine why it's unfair. The example I've seen the most of in this case is the husband will randomly create a new rule out of the blue, then punish for it. For instance, the wife is out shopping, and comes home at 7pm. The husband is irritated she was gone all day, but said nothing to her about it until she walks in the door. When she does, he tells her the new rule is she has to be home by dinner every night, and since she wasn't, she's getting punished. This then gives her no sort of warning, and she had no idea until it was too late. Is punishing fair? Probably not.

That's just one example of the "it's not fair!" reason, but the husband creating rules out of the blue is something that can happen, and often leads to these "I think the punishment is unfair" scenarios.

In this case, like in most others I'm going to discuss, it's going to be all about communication. Your husband needs to know why you feel the punishment is unfair. The tricky part here is whether to do it before the punishment (which will likely cause some sort of argument, since it can be construed as you trying to get out of the punishment) or after the punishment (which would also not be great because you just got punished for something you dont believe is fair, so your attitude towards him probably won't be the most respectful).

In this circumstance, I would recommend handling the situation before any sort of punishment is taken care of. Your husband should listen to you before hand (always, not just in these "I don't agree.." circumstances).

The punishment is something you're against? If you and your husband haven't discussed "limits" you need to do so. However, I'd recommend not doing so right after you break a rule, because then it perceives that you're just trying to get out of a punishment. For instance, if your husband believes you should be spanked with a belt and all the sudden you decide "wow, that sounds really crappy." and proclaim you're completely against being spanked with a belt, that probably isn't going to fly. So, anything you're profoundly against needs to be stated well in advance. For instance, in our marriage, I would never "submit" (not a big fan of the word, but not sure what else to call it. Cooperate, maybe?) if my husband used something like diapers as punishment, and I'm also completely against things like whips, and restraints (I have my reasons. Don't ask me why). I explained to him why, he understood, and thus, those things aren't "on the table" when punishing comes around. However, IF I were to break a rule and my husband would think spanking with a whip was necessary (for instance) we'd probably have a pretty big problem.

 In a situation where your husband attempts to dole out a punishment that you have made it known in the past you were against, I would definitely talk to him about it BEFORE the punishment takes place. Your husband should always respect your limits (and vice versa). When explaining your limits, it's important that you have some sort of valid reason behind them. They don't have to be valid to the rest of the world, but they need to be valid, and understood, between you and your spouse.

You believe it's too harsh? Your husband isn't perfect, and neither are you. Almost every husband, at some point, will think give (or, attempt to) a punishment that is too harsh. This usually happens if your husband hasn't taken time to calm down before deciding on a punishment. If he hands out a punishment while he's overly upset, chances are, it will be worse than when he's calm. Some punishments are just downright unreasonable (for example- being grounded for a year, or a 1,000 swat spanking) so if your husband is handing out punishments like that, that is a whole different issue to address. Also, if he hands out ridiculously harsh punishments on a regular basis, that's also a different issue.

But, in general, if you feel your husband overreacted in terms of punishment, I would recommend you give him some time to calm down and reevaluate the situation once his emotions are a little more in check. The best way to do that is to have some sort of rule in place (ideally prior to you breaking a rule even occurs) that says something to the effect of he won't hand out any punishments while he's angry. If that means he has to wait an hour (or, another predetermined time frame) from when the offense occured (or when he found out about it) to decide your punishment, then so be it. Or, if it just means he needs to take a few minutes to think about it, fine. But, if it's a severe offense, and it's something that really got him fired up, he needs to not make any decisions while angry AND not hand out any punishments while angry because it's not fair to either of you.

Then, once he's all calm, if you still feel the punishment is too harsh, explain to him why but be prepared to have reasons.

Keep in mind...

When disagreeing with your punishment, I feel it's important to keep the following things in mind:

1) There's a chance that your punishment will still "stand". You need to be prepared for that. If that happens, attempt to continue to communicate your feelings afterwards, rather than continually push the issue before hand.

2) Communication is key. Ideally, it should always happen BEFORE the punishment takes place.

3) You need to have reasons and "because I don't like it" isn't a valid one, by the way (at least to 99% of the HoH's out there). Before you approach your spouse about disagreeing with your punishment, be prepared to back up WHY you disagree with it.

4) It's crucially important that, while talking to your husband about this, it does NOT come across as you just trying to avoid getting in trouble, or getting out of taking responsibility. You need to take extra caution to ensure that doesn't happen.

5) Part of DD is "break a rule, deal with the consequences" so to speak. So, if you "just don't feel like" getting spanked, and decide you're going to flat out agree with it just based on those reasons, you really need to reevaluate DD. No one wants to get spanked. But, don't break the rules, don't get in trouble. It's simple (although sometimes easier said than done, I definitely understand that).

6) If you find yourself disagreeing with your punishments often, you really need to sit down with your spouse (after you identitfy why that is that you're disagreeing a lot) and talk things out. Maybe it means changing the rules, setting new limits, etc. Whatever it is, COMMUNICATE about it. Communication is definitely key.

and finally..

7) Husbands- if your wives come to you and disagree with their punishments, hear them out. Whether you end up changing your mind in the end or not is your own decision, but at least hear them out. The last thing you want is your wife to be afraid to come to you because she's afraid how you'll react.




(Oh, and on a totally unrelated note, my absolutely GORGEOUS son turned 5 MONTHS OLD today!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, he can sit up completely, 100% by himself. Just thought you all would like to know, lol).

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Fearing a Spanking

I used to not fear spankings. I've never liked them (at all) but I didn't fear them. When I heard "you're getting a spanking", my immediate reaction was just "understandable. Let's do this". But the "let's do this"' line began to translate into "not taking DD seriously", and "not caring" very quickly. My nonchalant attitude about it quickly morphed into a "whatever" one. Despite the fact I definitely didn't want to be spanked, I had developed quite the habit of blocking it out, and immediately focusing on everything I needed to do once it was over, the weather, what I wanted to make for dinner, etc. When at a decision crossroads, instead of picking the decision that was the best, and wouldn't get me in trouble, the trouble aspect never crossed my mind because I figured "well, if I get in trouble, I'll be ok". Needless to say, this was a problem.

I didn't want to fear spankings. I wanted to be tough. I wanted to be invincible. I wanted to be the wife that just accepts the punishment and moves on without even looking back.

But then something changed. Then I realized that it's ok to fear spankings and that there is a way to fear the spanking without fearing your husband. There's a way to make this a healthy fear, and not a paralyzing one. I realized it's ok.

Truth be told, every spanking my husband has ever given me has hurt to some degree. This isn't about pain. Some of my most severe spankings, pain wise, haven't made me fear spanking and while they did change that specific behavior, they didn't change my behavior overall. What I mean by that is this- say I get spanked (pretty severely, at that) for texting while driving. The chances of me texting while driving again anytime in the near future are very slim, to none. But the chances of me making another mistake in the near future that could potentially earn me a spanking are very high. Why that is is just simply because I didn't fear it like I should have.

Then one day, something changed. I had done something wrong and a spanking was justified. As I was heading to our bedroom, I remember thinking "well this sucks, so let's just get this over with because I need to finish putting away the laundry, packing, and making my shopping list". It was like well, in the midst of everything else I need to do today, let's just add spanking onto it.

"This spanking is going to be a bit different, dear. Not because the offense is necessarily more serious than others, but because I think you've became immune to how we currently spank".

Different? Wtf does "different" mean? And "immune"? Give me a break. I can still FEEL them.

But, like every other spanking, I cooperated. Thankfully, "different" didnt mean some kind of whips and chains stuff, and "immune" just meant I was so used to how we spanked, the ritual, the severities, the "breaks", the entire process that I just began to block it out.

By the end of my "new spanking", the pain was about the same. But the feeling was different. I felt more obedient, I felt more loved, I felt more apologetic. I felt like I actually cared! Because I did actually care. I cared a lot that I got spanked that afternoon, and all the sudden, that spanking didn't just seem like another item to check off on the to do list for the day. My entire attitude changed.

Now, I fear spankings. When I hear the threat of "if it happens again, you'll be spanked" I immediately shape up and when I hear "you're getting spanked", I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. But, despite all the fear I have of being spanked, I dont fear my husband. And that's why I consider this a healthy fear. I fear the spankings enough to where I do everything I can to avoid them. I think about them before I make a decision. They have an impact on me. Yet, I don't fear my husband when he comes towards me. When he's mad, as long as the word spanking isn't anywhere in the sentence, I'm good. And when he talks to me, I'm able to listen without fear.

Fear in a domestic discipline marriage is not bad. Without fear of the punishment, very little stops you from committing the offense. If you look at it differently- if you don't care about jail, you think it's no big deal, and it has little to no effect on your life, what's stopping you from stealing that shirt at the mall? If you don't fear getting a traffic ticket, what's stopping you from going that 10 mph over the speed limit every day? If you don't fear getting burned, then why do you use oven mitts to get things out of the oven?

The bottom line is that if you don't fear spankings, you have a lesser deterrent to follow the rules. If you've became immune to spankings, they're slowly becoming ineffective.

Fearing punishments in a DD marriage is almost a good thing I've learned. As long as you know when this fear is healthy, and when it isn't.



Chels

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It's never too late.

Since this blog is a mix of things (from a journal, to giving advice, to everything in between) I want to post about something. This blog is actually dedicated to someone in particular, but still, I hope everyone gets something from it.

Dear J,

I'm an extremely easy person to talk to. If you don't take anything else away from this entry, please know this: honesty will get you further in life then anything else. There's never a moment where it's "too late" to be honest.

From the beginning when I was introduced to you, I thought you were cool. I didn't have a problem with you. Despite what you may think, I don't blame you for inquiring so much about DD so that hopefully, when you're in a relationship one day, you learn something from what you've asked me, and what you've been given about DD.

The real you that I got to know was a lot better then the 4 (at least, and that I know of) "fake" you's that I've experienced over the last few months. It is NOT too late to change. It's NOT too late to come to me and just admit that the lying, manipulative, backstabbing.. (I could go on and on) behavior you've shown towards me, and others, was wrong.

I won't judge you for it. I won't even ask any questions. I will help you "re-intergrate" into the networks of people you've lied to and deceived. I promise. Just PLEASE be honest and cut the "hi my name is so and so" crap. Please. Because not only can I not take it any more, but its not fair to me to make me sit here and pretend i have no idea what's going on.

I've went through a range of emotions about this. I've been sad that someone would deceive me like that. I've been pissed off that someone would completely insult my intelligence by thinking that all the false identities you assume aren't really you. Ive been hurt that I was lied to. I've been through them all, and more. But what I've taken from this is that forgiveness, no matter who it's from or what happened, is the strongest thing you can do.

J, I'm giving you a chance that I don't have to give you. I could "out" you to everyone you've been lying to. I'm choosing to help you and to forgive you. Please, give me that chance. Please just be honest with me. Please trust me that I won't judge you, I won't even ask any questions. Just be honest.

If you choose to totally ignore this, that's fine. However, in 4 day (on Sunday the 4th) if i haven't heard anything from you, it's going to show me that you have zero intent on ever changing this crap, apologizing, or taking any sort of step to make it right. At that time, you're kinda leaving me no choice but to delete, block, suspend or remove all your accounts that I can, as well as completely block the multiple IP addresses you use and take every single effort in the world to ensure you can never, ever do this again. Please don't make me do that. I'm reaching out to you, and I'm offering to help. I'm offering you a chance to make this right with me. It can stay between us.

You know how to reach me (email is probably best. Just click "contact me"). It's never too late to be honest. Please, let me help you.

Chelsea

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This blog may be directed towards one person, but it is written for everyone. Forgiveness is a powerful tool and honesty is a powerful trait. It can be hard to forgive someone (trust me, I'm aware) and it takes time. There are also circumstances when it can be hard to be honest and I understand that. But it's never too late to forgive someone, or be honest with someone.

This blog may not have any meaning whatsoever for some of you and that's fine. But I wanted to post it because it's my way of publicly reaching out to someone who really needs it. It's never too late.

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