Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Coming Out About DD At Playgroup

As many of you know, I'm a mother (seriously whenever I type, or say that, I get instantly happy). Our son is 14 months old and I'm not even kidding when I say that he is the most amazing person, in addition to my husband. I could go on and on about him, but I will save you guys all the "can she be done talking about her son now?" statements and get to the point of this.

Back when I was pregnant with our son I knew I wanted to find a playgroup not only for him, but for me to make "mommy friends", especially those with kids around the same age as our son. When we moved out to the east coast (when our son was just a few months old) that need became even more important. So, I searched around and found a playgroup that meets once a week and all the kids are really close to his age (only a few months difference, max). The moms are pretty cool too, and it's been a great way for me to make friends.

Back in Utah almost all our friends knew about DD, or practiced it themselves. When we moved out east, we had to make all new friends and since we've done that, very few know about DD. Not because we're necessarily shy about it (well, ok, maybe we I am a little bit) but because it isn't really a topic that ever comes up or the window of opportunity just isn't there. That is, until playgroup last week.

I was finally feeling up to going to playgroup. Since my recent hospitalization, and surgeries, I have been trying to ease back into our normal lives. I was excited to go to playgroup, and so was our son. So, we went. It was great to see all our friends again. While our son and his playgroup friends were running around digging up plastic dinosaur bones at the new dinosaur exhibit at a nearby children's museum, the moms and I sat around talking about random things, one of those being marriage.

The opportunity was definitely there. One of the moms was struggling a little with an incident in her marriage. Another was suggesting the perfect solution was to just "go to the bar with the other girls tonight, forget your husband for a few hours and just let loose". They then invited me to that not so fun event. Politely, I declined. The "what? why?" statements came flying. Sure, I could have used the "I really don't feel good, just got out of the hospital" excuse. But I decided to use this opportunity to "come out" to a group of 8 women who I've gotten to know over the past few months about domestic discipline.

Was I nervous? Totally. Was my heart beating 1,000 times a minute? Probably. But do I believe it was the right thing to do? Absolutely.

I started by just saying "honestly, I don't feel comfortable going to bars without my husband." Which, by the way, is totally true. Then, the conversation grew, and grew, and eventually we got on the topic of why it's a "guideline" that I "don't drink without my husband present". Since I literally only drink maybe once a year anyway this is more of just a respect thing that my husband and I have and not necessarily a rule, but nonetheless I told them about it.

I'll save ya'll the long, drawn out, conversational details, but let's just say that after 20-30 minutes I had a group of 8 women stunned. They'd never heard of domestic discipline before. They were shocked and blown away. But, as one of them put it "so now we know why Chelsea has such an awesome marriage". 

DD isn't the only reason I have a great marriage. But does it play a part? Absolutely. And I was happy others could see that. But then, once the initial shock wore off came the slew of questions. And, by slew, I mean like dozens upon dozens. Everything under the sun. The most common question was "Oh, is this like 50 Shades of Grey!?" Yeah. No. 

This playgroup had suddenly turned from a 1 hour social gathering into a almost 3 hour question and answer session. My nerves eased away once everyone "backed off" a little bit, but I felt like my heart was still racing by time it was over. 

I walked away from that playgroup feeling so relieved. I was still a little shocked, like "I can't even believe I just did that" feeling, but I was relieved that now, for future playgroups, I didn't have to hide anything. Sure, I might be the "talk of the playgroup" for like the next year (and I hate excessive amounts of attention, so trust me, that's really going to suck) but it will be worth it.  

Within the week or so following playgroup I feel like my phone was blowing up with text messages. More questions, texts like "I actually talked this over with my husband" and even some people agreeing to try it! I was stunned. Happy, but stunned. 

Playgroup in the future sure will be interesting. But, I'm well on the road to having all our friends here in our new state know about DD, just like in our previous state. :-)

To all my playgroup mommy friends who I'm sure will be reading this: thanks for your support, for your understanding, and to those of you who are giving it a try, know you have a whole DD community to back you up, support you, encourage you, and cheer you on. 

-Chelsea

28 comments:

  1. Wow Chelsea - that was awesome and had to be nervewracking! You and Clint will be great role models and help for any of your "playgroup mommy friends" who decide to incorporate DD in their marriage just as you are for everyone on the network.

    Welcome to any of the "playgroup mommy friends".

    I bet Clint was very proud of you Chelsea. I hope you're recovering well.
    Cat

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  2. Dear Chelsea:

    So glad to hear that you are well on your road to recovery and returning to normal (if there is such a thing!) life again with your husband and little guy.

    My husbband and I have been married 28 years and have practiced DD for all of them - and even before. DD was part of our lives before making love was! Except then, and until recently, we never even knew there was a name for it. We just decided on our own that he was to be the Head of our household and I was to accept that.

    There have been many spankings, much to my dismay, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

    Three years ago, unfortunately, my husband did something that hurt me very much. I withdrew from him totally, and built up a wall aroung me. I, for many reasons, stayed in the marriage but decided that he would never hurt me again. He would not touch me -in any way.

    Over the past three years, I have wavered. It was my decision to stay in this marriage and slowly, but surely, knew what had to be done to make it work.

    I recently had a long talk with my husband. I have been having a hard time with life with the problem of dealing with elderly parents and dealing with the deaths of two younger siblings. We decided to incorporate spankings and DD back into our lives.

    I never thought it would be possible, but DD has saved our marriage. Since the spankings have resumed, we have really fallen back into love with each other. Words cannot explain it. And I never thought it was possible. But I am in my mid 50s loving my husband like I never thought would be possible again.

    Thank you for your blog. I realize that I am not alone in this.. I always thought I was! Continued good health and happiness to you and your family!

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  3. Glad you are feeling better. Wow, you must have phrased it well.
    C

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  4. Hi Chelsea
    I have been lurking on your blog for a few months now and I really enjoy it. So glad you are feeling better. I give you so much credit for being honest with your playgroup. I live in a very progressive area of the country and my friends would think I was absolutely CRAZY!! I was too shy about all this to even comment on blogs until recently.

    Michele

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  5. I have always wondered why we keep our DD secret.
    But reading about you just talking about it in a rather random group made my heartbeat go up almost as high as yours.

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  6. Hi cheslea great to see you back here and that you are getting back to normaal - please be careful hovever, not to do too much too soon. It really does suck to be sick- I have just taken some sort of infection and I am on antiboitics so I also have to stay of college for a few days at least so I am begining to feel really panicky about getting behind but I just keep thinking my health is more important and so is my family so its just a day at a time. So please be careful with yourself and give yourself time don't be tempted to do too much too soon. You really amaze me, you are so brave the way you talk about things like DD. Also I understand the drink thing it seems to be everybodys answer to everything and yet in my profession I see just what it can do and how awful the abuses and excesses not just effect but also destroy people's lives. However in society people seem to regard it very strange and odd if someone is not out getting really drunk or not drinking to excess in some shape or fashion. My husband is really anti drink and I am really quite glad he is - so no problem for me to keep any rules about it Just great you are back and I wish you all the best me all missed you soo much.

    Jane

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  7. Wow, Chelsea! There should be more women like you who have the courage to share what they believe so other wives (and husbands) can also learn how to enrich their marriage. Awesome!

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  8. I am so proud of you Chelsea! I hope that your Playgroup mom's give it a try and find success in it like we have. My life and marriage is all that more wonderful because of DD. Thank you for taking the big leap of faith!
    Love you,
    Becky

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  9. Chelsea I'm impressed!Well done! Would you ever be willing to post WHAT you said or how you explained it? I can't even begin to come up with how I would try to explain DD to a random person......

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  10. Kudo's to you, Chelsea! That was incredibly brave of you to talk about DD to a group you didn't know that well! You must have done a very good job of explaining it with responses like that. How wonderful!

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  11. Bravo Chelsea! There is no way that would ever happen with us. In fact one of our rules is that we tell no one. Both of our families would freak, as would our friends. LOL I would be subjected to many interventions to save me.

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  12. Wow Chelsea, that was very brave of you. I bet it must have been nerve wracking! but what an amazing response you have had. Good on you!

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  13. Hi, I'm kind of a lurker, so you don't know me. (:

    I have been trying to find a way to open up to my play group too. It's terrifying. Especially when they start talking about their husbands. I'm so glad you were able to find support from them.

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  14. Wow. This blew my mind. You are very brave, and...I could never ever do that.

    I can imagine the questions though! Its kind of wonderful, that you can just share all of it, all the benefits and how it works to keep you close and connected.

    Did you tell them about your blog, network, etc? All of that?

    Good for you, and I think the friendships you make and keep now will be so "real" because they know who you truly are in the heart of your marriage.

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  15. I'm one of chelseas "playgroup mommy friends" and im new to her blog and to dd, but i just wanted to compliment her on being so open, honest, and awesome.

    We love you and we stand by you chelsea. You are such an inspiration to so many and thank you for introducing me to this marriage practice.

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    1. Jennifer, it is so nice to see this kind of support for Chelsea. I'm not sure if I understood your comment correctly. Have you and your husband decided to adopt the DD dynamic into your marriage or did you just mean you had never heard of DD? Either way, you could not ask for better mentors to answer your questions than Chelsea and Clint.

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    2. Welcome to the DD playground Jennifer!

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  16. So glad to hear you are getting well Chelsea! It is great you have a new group to open up to :)

    All the best,
    Anna

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  17. Chelsea, that was incredibly brave. I'm glad the reaction was so supportive. At times I think it might be easier to tall people who hadn't known me for years in my earlier incarnation-it would perhaps save me from at least some of the Interventions Blue Bird mentioned! But no matter what-it can never be easy. I hope the support continues, and there are no ramifications that are more than you can handle. Take care as you recover!

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  18. Wow, that took so much courage! Now you can be your full self with your friends, which is so important...

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  19. Wow is all I can say. I know I could never be so brave and tell anyone, family or friends. Even after 12 years of living a DD lifestyle we have never told a soul.

    I recently found your blog and love it. Thanks for sharing your life with us all.

    Victoria

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  20. Wow, this is lovely! Congratulations, not just on your bravery but for the support you got. I just came out to (one) vanilla friend and found out she wasn't so vanilla after all! It is amazing to get that support.

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  21. Hi Chelsea nice to 'meet' you. Your husbands blog is what started us on DD just four days ago. Oh my gosh, I cannot believe how much change has even come in those four days! We are communicating, hugging, spending time together, eating at the dinner table instead of TV. I have also read your pages too, and you have both been inspiration and directional in our decision to do this. He also suggested I keep a blogg which is really unusual for him to even suggest. Hope your recovery continues to go smoothly.

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  22. Chelsea, I've been reading a while but have never commented. First let me say that I'm glad you are feeling better and on the road to healing. Second I have to say that I think you are incredibly brave to share the truth of your lifestyle with others. Very few people know that I get spanked and I like it that way. The fact that you could overcome your natural embarrassment/fear of judgment to enlighten people on the benefits of DD is extremely selfless and I admire you. You are an amazing lady and I can understand why your husband adores you.

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  23. Jenn (sometimes posting as A-Non)October 21, 2012 at 11:00 AM

    I've never told anyone in real life. Not even my best friend who once told me that another mutual friend was into "that spanky stuff". I can't imagine who I could share this with.

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  24. You are one very brave and dedicated lady Chelsea.
    Perhaps because of people like you, DD will be the norm
    and we won't have to hide our lifestyle away anymore.

    Jack's Jill

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  25. Wow! I am impressed! I can't imagine telling my friends about TTWD! I think they'd fall over and have a heart attack on the spot! Lol! I don't know if I will ever be that brave... Good for you!

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